Christmas Blues

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

The holidays are generally pretty difficult for me emotionally. When I was 19, the day before New Years, I came home from work to an ambulance in the driveway. My dad had been feeling kinda rotten, post-kidney transplant (August), and had been in the hospital over Christmas. We'd had ambulances come for him before--it was REALLY difficult for either (or both) of us (mom and I) to get him into a car--he was a lot bigger than both of us. Mom followed in her car and told me to just stay at home....she'd call and let me know what was up. A while later, she called and told me to come down to the hospital but not to rush. There was nothing odd in her voice, so I figured it wasn't anything huge...just a complication from the transplant or something. It was something huge. He'd died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Blood clot in his lung caused cardiac arrest.

Needless to say, I don't quite enjoy the holidays the way I did when I was younger. It's been 20 years, but it doesn't get a lot easier. I'm *really* good at compartmentalizing, doing what needs to get done for others' sake, going through motions for the sake of tradition.

We have a radio station that plays Christmas music 24 hours a day, seven days a week from midnight on Thanksgiving. I have never made it through more than a few bars of ANY song without sobbing until this year. Makes it VERY difficult to sob and drive at the same time, for the record. This year though, I got through two whole songs without sobbing. I'm either getting better at compartmentalizing my feelings or growing numb to it all over time.

Brad and I very rarely get to spend holidays together. I have my mother to take care of, and he has his family to deal with. We are both only children, so holidays apart are just part of the deal until we get married and the war over who we spend the holidays with begins. The way things work right now is that I walk to my mother's house, have breakfast with her, do something for a lunch/early dinner, and then walk home. At some point later in the afternoon Brad comes to my house so we can do our Christmas gift trading in 20 minutes and then he goes back to his family.

We did the same this year...and here is the crux of why I am rather blue tonight.

1. I bought him a very expensive pair of slippers...the pair he said he liked and replace a pair he has totally worn out. I bought them online because I can't ever GET to a store to purchase anything. I saved...and finally ordered them the week we would get out of school and had them delivered there--anything delivered to my house gets stolen.

Last weekend we were forced into dinner with friends--we'd said no, we couldn't make it (he would be up the hill and I had a school party to go to), but they showed up at his shop, where he wasn't, and harrassed his mother, who was just closing up, telling her that he was supposed to meet them for dinner and they'd just WAIT for him at the shop to come down the hill--surely he was coming, right? She called him, he was livid, he called me and I had to leave MY staff holiday dinner to collect these people and take them to dinner while he trekked down the hill a full DAY before he'd planned. So while we were at dinner, the topic of Christmas gifts came up, and Brad mentions that he is 99.99999% sure his mom bought him these slippers for Christmas.

This will give you an idea of what happened next:

Brad's FB Status from that evening after he got home:

"That moment when you casually mention a gift you need and are 99.9999% sure your mom got for you in a conversation about nothing much, and your beautiful perfect thoughtful brilliant girlfriend's face just drops and you go 'oh crap, you stupid idiot.' If anyone needs me I will be apologizing to my girlfriend til sometime in March."

I almost cried at dinner. He is REALLY hard to shop for. He owns a business that also happens to be his I can't buy him fly fishing gear...or shirts....or bags...or anything from any company he likes because he is a dealer for ALL of them. This makes things more difficult so I have to listen VERY carefully when he says he needs/wants something to be sure that it is something he CAN'T get for himself through a dealer spiff...

So the gift I worked SO hard to find, saved so long to buy, his mother also bought him. The EXACT same pair. Down to the store from which they were purchased. Because of timing, and funding, there was literally nothing else I could get him--no money to buy something new while I waited for a refund, and nowhere for me to get him something else in the 2 days that I had to find something. *sigh*

2. He bought me a Patagonia jacket. The one I have been ogling since the new catalog came out. (See, his owning this business is frustrating as all get out for me yet very good at the same time--he can get things for ME using his dealer spiff benefits.) It is the right color, the right style, the right EVERYTHING. And I love it.

But I am too fat to wear it.

It's about 4 inches too small at the hips. If I pull it up to zip, I can zip it, and then pull it back down but sitting down with it zipped is out. The whole zipper will burst. It fits BEAUTIFULLY everywhere else.

Because of the manner by which it was obtained (through the manufacturer directly, using a dealer spiff) I can't exchange it for a larger size. I can't return it. I can't let him know it doesn't fit.

The place at which it doesn't fit is the ONE PLACE on my entire body that refuses to lose anything. Not one inch.


3. And today I broke the gift he gave me for my birthday accidentally. I tweaked it just wrong and it broke...and because it's electronic, it's not fixable. So I have to replace it...which is a whole new nightmare.... *sigh*

I could cry.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    But now he can have slippers that won't wear out as fast because he can trade off with them---or he should make his mom exchange hers. Sorry the holidays are so hard----but it is understandable---hope things get better.
    2001 days ago
    2002 days ago
  • KATYDID412
    I can relate to your holiday sadness, having lost both my parents and much loved aunts and uncles when I was young. I always say, once Thanksgiving is over, I wish I could fast forward to January 2. So know there are others out here feeling similarly.

    As for your holiday stress with your boyfriend and the gifts, I'm so sorry. He sounds like a great guy, though -- and you're fortunate in that.

    Sending hugs your way.
    2002 days ago
    I am so sorry you had a rough day. It is so frustrating when things don't work out how you planned ,especially after putting so much thought and effort into it. emoticon Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    2002 days ago
  • KATIEG999
    I am so sorry. I identify with painful holidays - my parents died shortly after the holiday season when I was almost 19, and that type of grief resonates with a person year after year. I am really sorry for your loss, and for how it has made the holidays difficult for you.

    And for this years! That is really stressful. It sounds really discouraging. I trust next year will be a happier holiday season for you - but this year sounds really hard. I am sending you hugs.

    I think that sometimes holidays are great, and sometimes they are something we just need to get through, knowing it will be better when they are over.

    2002 days ago
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