As Good as it Gets?

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I don't do a very good Jack Nicholson impression. If I did, I would use this skill to make money. Here's a picture to get my point across. Rawr... sort of.

I haven't been this small since high school- lowest weight of 205 in the 10th grade... size 14/16, M-L tops. Currently a size 16-18, size L tops mostly. There's about a 40 lbs difference, but I didn't have the hips or the chest in high school that I have now, but I digress.

I'm in a very strange place. Some days I'm very happy with my progress, and some days it feels like such a holding pattern. I have gained and lost these same 50 lbs almost 3 times at this point. I feel like 240 is the golden number- if I can get below it, I'll be on my way to Onederland.

Those around me say nice things, most of the time. I have encouragment from most angles. The most distorted thing in the equation is how I see myself.

Cameras are jerks. On occasion, I look super tiny with cheekbones and slimmed arms. Other angles catch me with a double chin and back fat, and it upsets me. I chopped all my hair off, and my face IS smaller. But, as I've said for many years as people compliment my jawline- I CAN'T WEAR PANTS ON MY FACE!

I set long term goals and short term goals over the past year. In terms of losses and gains, it's been a pretty standard year for me. The vows and last straws and blogs and pining for change left me with a slightly better body than I began with in 2012. I haven't run in weeks, so my 5-8 mile endurance streak has fizzled out. I plan on picking that up again post-haste. The stress of the past semester broke me hard. 20 hours+ in scrubs at a time + transition to night shift + never seeing my stupid/wonderful husband = trouble in paradise on all fronts. I'm working on my time management, making myself a priority in the spring, and no longer being a doormat. I have to learn to say NO. I'm a people pleaser- big girls often are. If I say no, they'll think I'm fatter. Totally illogical. Whatevs. Get with it brain.

I did not run my half marathon. I damaged my feet, had multiple legit setbacks. Goals and dreams do not have deadlines. 2013 is a new year with different goals, priorities, and schedules. I will make it so.

I transition back to day shift in February. I have an appreciation for the NORMALCY dayshift offers- I'll take its hectic nature as a tradeoff.

I've gained and lost a lot this year. I feel like I've mature more than any other year. I've finally accepted that this is a journey and I don't have to wear a burlap sack until I'm a size 12. I discovered Torrid and other plus-size stores. I purhcased my first peacoat, pair of boots, a pushup bra, and (several) pair(s) of skinny jeans. I'm learning to love my body at all sizes AND to buy clothes that FLATTER rather than disguise- clothes that do not fit me (either TOO big or TOO small, do me no favors in the hawtness department). This is foreign to me, as I didn't feel like I was worth it before. I was worth it at 300 lbs. I'm worth it in the mid 240s (whereifeeliwillremainforevera
ndeverohno) and I'll be worth it at 199 and beyond- and that's been the biggest takeaway from this year.

So is this as good as it gets? Probably not.
Might it take me another year (or more) to get where I need to go? Maybe.
Am I okay with that? asl;fjka;sldfjkalsdfjkalskdfja
sl.... Sort of.

I'm no longer a before, I'm not yet an after... the work in progress part is pretty darn hard in between.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I agree with much that has been said already. Stay positive and focus on victories.
    1981 days ago
    I think the most positive thing you have done is accept yourself as you are right now and also have goals for the future. You have had a lot of stressful times this year so perhaps the ability to maintain is more of a accomplishment than you even recognize. I suspect you are about to make it over the bubble and have a lot of hard earned success in the coming year.
    1982 days ago
    I sympathize with losing the same few pounds over and over again. I can only be proud of myself losing 40 lbs the first few times after that it needs to stay lost or I'm not claiming the credit.

    Great blog! I wish you luck on kicking this holding pattern. I've lived in a size 18/20 for what seems like f-o-r-e-v-e-r and it's past time for a move on. Hopefully, we are all well on our way to Onederland together!
    1982 days ago
  • CRAZY_KAT_1984
    Great blog! Its important to focus on your victories. I must say I admire all the work involved in nursing emoticon
    Next year will be better: you have already decided!
    1982 days ago
    You're armed with a plan, and that's better than a lot of people out there! Congratulations on your success and even your "holding pattern". You ARE worth it. To borrow a phrase from one of my Sparkfriends, "Onward and downward!"
    1982 days ago
    Well, you made a poorly woman laugh so you can add that to your list of achievements!
    Sounds like you've had a hectic time, but hopefully things can straighten out a little when you go back onto day shift : )
    1982 days ago
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