As with the best of us, and as with any addiction, we are always able to fall off the wagon, and yep. I fell hard. Not at first, I thought I would take a week off when my sister had her baby. I was just so excited. It wasn't even my kid, it was just the thought that someone I would have never thought to bear a child, had one, and I knew I wanted to give her all the proud krystl knowledge I had available. How the heck that turned into a 2.5 month offing IDK, but it started there- ALWAYS WITH GOOD INTENTION" is the saying =)
So I refused to stick to a exercise plan and track my food! I honestly could only count that as part of my food addiction that took over. Because trust me, I feel it bad. OH DO I!
This is where I seriously have to step in. I let my higher self tell me to go on SP. Dont do anything, don't clean the house... go on Sparkpeople!... and I listened, and I feel damn good just logging in. Logging in writing the beginning blog is what I dreaded the most. I have to come to the conclusion that I am back in the same predicament I was in when I started SP. Im ready to come clean to the people who may have looked up to my efforts before. I FELL OFF THE WAGON. It was getting a bit bumpy for a while anyhow. I wasn't eating breakfast until late and them damn MONSTER energy drinks my b/f would come home with... well, I think they poisoned my brain.
I am deathly scared to weigh myself, I will leave myself a note to do that in the morning ... and just suck it in and take this one day at a time.
I am very angry at my b/f. I swear its like he wants me to fail. He wins either way. He is insecure about himself and this relationship, so when i was losing weight I dont think he had prepared to mentally - me being happy without being codependant... meaning I was finding happiness not depending on him or the food he stuffs in my face.... and I was a strong person... and of course the fact he always thinks I am going to cheat on him. Hello! I have been with you for over 8 years, get a grip dude. I dont know how much longer I can handle that baggage.
For now I have to get back to the beginning, bare basics. Start over, which means putting my foot down about the freaking junk food in this house HE brings in. The horrible eating habits, the disrespect in general I let slide. Do you know how bad I want to swear right now as I vent? HA
Of course The holidays are upon us, and I will of course have the family here for our Christmas dinner. So far that is understandable, but I must express how much I have missed all of you.
I am not going to be perfect in the beginning, but I am going to be conscious of my actions. The only fast food I want to ever eat would be subway. Wish me luck tomorrow with my weigh-in and how well I handle it. Right now it's time that I tell my family and make this clear that I was off my healthy ways for 2 months and its time to get back on track.
If anything- I PROVED THAT ITS NOT GOING TO CHANGE UNLESS I DO IT. I CAN'T RELY ON ANYONE ELSE. ONLY LITTLE OLE ME IS MAKING A HUGE POWERFUL CHANGE AGAIN. Against all the odds here.
More than likely I will be changing a few things around on my profile, putting things up to date, getting them back to the starting line, but anyone who took the time out to read this, I thank You. I would be on a path to killing myself if it werent for Sparkpeople, and the great vibes I get coming here from all of you and your journeys.
Have a great week.