I need some kindling for my Spark

Monday, December 17, 2012

I need some kindling for my Spark

My Spark, like many others, has come and go lately. I did so well when I was losing… and I did lose. I’ve lost almost or around 100# depending on just how fat I used to be (I honestly don’t know if I ever got to 300, but I know I was close).

So now after losing all of that, you’d think that I’d feel amazing. And most days I do. Other days though that sneaky inner fat girl voice likes to come out and tell me that I’m worthless or that I look horrible in that top, or that person over there is staring at you for a negative reason. Usually I just tell her to STFU, but sometimes she sneaks in.

Lately I can’t get her to shut up. I think it’s partly stress from nearing the end of my PhD, trying to find a job when all I hear about is everyone who is over-educated and unemployable, family pressures, and just the holiday season in general – but she’s gotten a lot louder.

On the 11th I had my brachioplasty revision. I had some stressful stuff happen in the month beforehand with my family and my grandmother, then I threw a party where I felt like NO ONE helped, and then I spent four days with my mother. I didn’t include this in my last blog, but my mom ended up getting mad at me for being ungrateful or whatever set her off this time – then she stopped talking to me, cleaned up, changed the sheets, packed up her truck, and just left in the middle of the evening. She can’t see well at night and her meds make her a dangerous driver after dark. Did that stop her? Could I change her mind? Nope. And she didn’t talk to me until today.

So add in surgery stress and pain and narcotic medication = my diet went off the deep end. Hardcore off the deep end. I’m still getting over the after effects of being on narcotic pain killers *if you know what I mean, so I know I’m carrying extra weight. The swelling isn’t so bad right now, so I don’t think I have a water weight gain. But regardless I am avoiding my scale until Friday at the earliest. I just don’t want to know what my week of depression and pain did.

Now I need my Spark. I’m still a little mopey and I fully admit that. I STILL feel like crap from the surgery. I still am finding excuses to eat junk. I usually start out my day saying I am going to eat the soup I have in the kitchen, or the chicken cesear salad I bought… and then I don’t. Then I eat toasted ravioli because that is St. Louis comfort food and follow it up with a bowl of slow churned ice cream. Which is perfect for me since I’m lactose intolerant :-/ -- cue still recovering from narcotics as my excuse – nothing is moving :-/

I went to see my plastic surgeon today because I’m starting to feel sick and my incisions still hurt. He said they’re fine. They’re better than fine. He offered me antibiotics but I declined. I just don’t want to become too resistant in case I actually need them. Until then I just need to quit b*tching and get some rest.

So why do I feel like crap? I’m trying to figure out if what I’m doing is making me feel bad… The short answer is YES. I am the reason I feel like crap. I’m eating crap, I feel like crap. Who’da thunk? Am I eating fried foods? Dairy? Caffeinated beverages? Not drinking enough water? Stuffing my face full of sugar? Answer = YES to all of the above. No wonder I feel like sh*t.

I had a great Spark going into my surgery week. Now I just need to recover. My short plan for this is to:
a) Get my diet in order. This means more freggies, more water, NO fried food period. Also, quit it with the sugar. I definitely notice a change in the way I feel after sugar (as I write this I’m rethinking the licorice I have with my diet cocoa right now)
b) Up my water intake. What happened to the person who drank 3L+ a day? She started drinking diet soda again and backslid into carbonated hell.
c) Stop it with the caffeine already! I was off caffeine for almost a year. Then… yea… I allowed it a little… then a little more… then I needed it more… and now waking up is like punching myself in the face with a brick. I used to be able to pop out of bed and wake up without a problem. Today I woke up with a headache, hit snooze six times, and then had no time for breakfast and ended up eating McDonalds. Not good. No Caffeine!
d) Start doing SOMETHING fitness related. My arms are not an excuse. I know I can’t use them for about a month or so now so I don’t stretch out my new scars… but I have abs, and legs, and glutes that can all get a workout and I can get moving. Anything is better than nothing right? I’m going to start with my stationary bike and watch some Netflix. It worked when I was 250#, so it will still work now.
e) Get back to Sparking. Last time I had my surgery I avoided Spark because I hated how inactive I had to be. But that was three months ago when I was doing 4-5 5ks a week on my treadmill plus strength training. Needless to say, I haven’t gotten back to that. I NEED to. Sparking seems to help.

So that’s it. I know I have a Spark in me somewhere. I just need to find some kindling – something small to get me going again.

And of course its Christmas time. Luckily for me I don’t have to move any furniture or help with the heavy duty cleaning of my parents house because of my arm surgery *this is awesome, I’m usually the slave labor out of all of my sisters. But my parents are having a massive Christmas party on the 23rd. They decided to move to Kentucky near the Lake and retire with a boat and some goats. *not joking! So this is their last Christmas (and mine) in the only house I have ever known them living in. They built it when my mom was pregnant – and now 28 years later are getting ready to move to the middle of no where Kentucky.

So now with this giant party, I know I’m going to see a lot of people whom I haven’t seen in a few months to a few years. So there’s going to be a lot of *you look amazing, or *holy crap! Right now I don’t feel like I deserve it, but I just need to remind myself this may have been the seventh time I have fallen down on my journey, but I’m going to get up again for the eighth time and keep moving. Plus TJ is meeting my entire family *eep and possibly spending Christmas with us… and then I’m meeting TJs mom… so there’s that whole ball of stress induced anxiety. I just know that this is a temporary feeling… I need to get my endorphins back and to do that I need some exercise. So for now, I’m going to stop blogging – two massive ones in one day (!) and put the roast in the oven for dinner. Then shimmy back here to my office for some Sons of Anarchy on Netflix and my stationary bike. Combined those should be enough to make me feel like I’m moving in the right direction a little closer to a Spark and less of an ember.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You had a lot on your plate, don't beat yourself up. You've come so far, I have not doubt you'll get back on track.
    1952 days ago
    I know you can do it. You've come such a long way and have that determination and strength in you that you need to move forward. It sounds like you have a terrific plan to bring your spark back out. Let that spark take over and take you to new heights! Also....enjoy and really take in the compliments you'll be receiving. We can be too hard on ourselves. You worked hard and deserve every compliment you receive. I think it would also be great if you woke up and complimented yourself before doing anything else each morning. It adds up and builds you up and it's motivating. You're going to get back on track and do better than ever! I'm sure of it! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1952 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/18/2012 3:05:59 PM
    You can do it. You've been through a lot lately, but you'll come out on top, I know it! Happy Holidays!
    1952 days ago
    I think you have a great plan. Doing exactly what you need to do!! Identify a few things to change, without it being a totally overwhelming amount of pressure. You can do it!! Have some good veggies today, you'll start to feel better ASAP.
    1953 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    You can do it, we are all with you!!! You are about to earn your pHd, you've come so far with your healthy lifestyle, you have a great guy, you CAN do this!!! As for your mom (do we have the same mom!?!?) and the jerks from the party, you can only control your own actions, and accept the actions of others with serenity. Don't let it get to you!! emoticon emoticon
    1953 days ago
  • LEB0401
    I can tell that blogging is very therapeutic for you. You sort things out, make plans, create goals. You've already got a plan of action for getting your system back in check, so I know you'll be reporting how much better you're feeling in your next blog.

    Wishing you a speedy recovery!
    1953 days ago
    You just made something click in my head. The eating crap and feeling like crap.... I feel like total crap lately - guess how I've been eating for the last month??!! You can pull yourself up out of this. You already have a plan!! Good luck with the family introductions, that's a big deal!! It will go great, I'm sure.

    While you're getting yourself back on track, just try to remind yourself of how awesome you are and how far you've come. emoticon
    1953 days ago
    You have made amazing changes in your body and your life and your health.
    And you have been an amazing inspiration to me! I wanted to dress like you and wear your amazing shoes, but I knew it wouldn't work because of my weight. So when you pulled out the wildcard-- and told me about all of the weight you had lost-- I was SO IMPRESSED!

    You are a bright beacon of hope.

    You can get through this slump!

    You have so much to be happy about-- everything will look brighter in a few weeks. Stay the course!!

    And Feel Better Soon.
    1953 days ago
    Are you in my mind right now? I mean seriously! You just blogged basically the same thing I was about to do. I've done the same thing. I let the inner Fat Girl creep back up on me. My diet is the worse. On the weekends I indulge like it's the last day on earth. I went months without Diet Coke and then started back and it doesn't taste good, so why do I drink it? My mind is so stupid. I told Cory that I did nothing but eat crap this year and my body can tell. I was so good in 2011. I felt great and then I started eating like I wanted to again telling myself that I deserve it and guess what? I haven't dropped 1 pound this year and I feel awful. But I'm not broken yet and neither are you! I have an appointment with a PLastic Surgeon Wednesday about skin reduction. I'm so incredibly frightened, but I feel like I need this! I have a feeling that this coming year will be a wonderful change for both of us! Feel Better!
    1953 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon You are sparked!! NOW STOP STRESSING. Every thing will be OK. You have had a lot to deal with lately, grad party, surgery and your mom and now Christmas coming like next week. Please slow down and give your body time to rest and heal. I'm not saying to eat ravioli or churned ice cream or a pot of coffee or a half liter of pop. You know what you need to do nutritionally and you know what you can do physically without causing damage to your surgical scars. Just set back and let others do for awhile. Oh and I hope the get together with TJ and your family and the you meeting his family will go OK. I'm sure it will. Remember to give yourself a pep talk After all you know your best points. emoticon Merry Christmas.
    1953 days ago
    Spark spark spark..... I send them to you with love... you can do it, you can get back onboard. Just be nice to yourself and take baby steps for a while.... emoticon you are emoticon
    1953 days ago
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