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Where Am I and Where Am I Going

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Be Here Now? But where?
It feels good to be in my Sparkpage. I love the connection to you my friends and this community. I am wanting to have you and this as my place to come to -- more than a forum, this place and you have held me to my own goals and kept me company, kept me honest, kept me funny, kept me true.

I've been running away a lot - in my mind and scampering about with fears and illness and confusion over who I am and where I'm going. Some of it is midlife and menopause. Some of it is being smaller. Another friend here on Spark has written so eloquently about "Fat Me" and "Thin Me", and I realized in reading her blogs that there is a split in me there right now.

I lost big amounts of weight many times in my life. I wonder if the "fat me" / "thin me" identity crisis was not a big part of the "relapses". I think so. Granted, my relapses of the past were simply relapses. They were also flights away from the sexuality/attraction powers I thought I had wanted... but then could not handle. And so much more.

Today... 54... and my whole life is not in front of me. There is life in front of me... but a big part of it is behind. And a big part of it -- the lion's share of it -- was spent with the primary dialogue being Weight and worth.
Interestingly, WORTH / VALUE is up for me in big big ways. Because of my illness I went back to talk therapy -- to process better, to gain better skills and equilibrium 'coping with chronic illness'. The Fragility of the illness has intersected the Fragility of the unfamiliar smaller body. I look forward to building my strength back physically and seeing/experi.encing how that influences this dialogue.

FRAGILITY. SENSITIVITY. Similar. Related. But Distinct.
Worth/Value? Fat girl status was a low status for me. I bargained for status with talent and smarts. I was always looking for a safe place to niche. I have not not followed a passion. I have nurtured the passions of others. I have not aspired or acquired MATERIALLY for myself - my financial skills are oddly evolved on the one hand, and entirely RETARDED on the other.
Geneen Roth has written extensively on the link between FOOD and MONEY especially in eating disordered folks. It's good to know I'm not alone. Yet, I've been feeling down and confused and ashamed of what's undone, and afraid of what there is to be done.

Ashamed of what's undone.
Afraid of what needs to be done.

Hmmm. That may be a good simplification. Not entirely true. But close enough for the purpose of moving some of this energy, perhaps.

What Needs To Be Done?
The 15 lbs to goal wt is very LOW on the list, now. (How disarming that is in itself! For losing weight -- my whole life -- -- was TOP of that list).

What Needs to Be Done?

If I have these, they are remotified and distant from my consciousness.
In order to move forward with LOVE and ENERGY (and not fear)... I need to bring these up.
I NEED GOALS. I NEED AFFIRMATIONS. I NEED to break it down. I need to be willing to jettison the people places or things that do not fit with my next chapter. I cannot tether myself to stunted growth in order to protect a status quo. I don't know who is in jettison potential... but I feel that this is an element of what has been holding me back.

Still no good future work prospects.

Scared of upcoming new apartment search
*still on the emotional fence about staying in Chicago
*still wanting what I can't afford
*wishing joe to be more resourceful and strong in this process (And me too)
*scared of doing it wrong, of f'g up in some horrible way

Peter Pan? Puer? Potential?
Chrysallis or not? I'm coming out.

Coming Out
Coming Out
Coming Out

oh so slowly.

I want to celebrate this.
I will keep coming here in hopes of doing so.

With Love,
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Have you ever watched the birth of a butterfly when it breaks free ? Out of the chrysallis?? It's a beautiful process really. We hatched a few last year and it was amazing. Hope you are feeling better P. Sending love your way. xoxoxo T emoticon
    1945 days ago
    Wow, you are so insightful and your thoughts shared so eloquently. There is a definite divide that menopause gives, knowing that you are moving towards evening, that there are things you body can no longer do, is hard to deal with. Then there is the divide of fat vs. thin. And realizing that thin doesn't fix anything that has been bad in your life, other than weight related health issues. What emotional issues sent you there are waiting for you around the corner. Scary stuff, right? But the beautiful thing is that you can do this in your own way, at your own pace, in your own time. If you need to tread water and work on something else more important, you can. That is the beauty of Sparkpeople. You get to choose how, when, where and why. You've accomplished so much. How smart of you to know that you may have outgrown some of the people in your life who want to keep you mired in negativity. I made the tough choice to divest myself of a toxic step-parent and a sister who "drank her negative Kool-Aid" and though I keep in touch with my sister (it's now a Hallmark relationship or else our stepmother would pull her into tiny pieces for having any loyalty to me), I have no relationship with the stepmother who emotionally abused me for decades. And at first it felt weird, then empty, and then this beautiful peace. And with the help of a counselor, was able to quiet her cruel voice in my head and realized that I'm a very good person who sometimes makes mistakes, but I am so much of who I wish I was. I don't have the status or financial security I wish I could have at this stage in my life, but my husband found a job he really wanted after three plus years of unemployment and underemployment and I found a job I adore doing exactly what I wanted to do after a year of unemployment. All it took for us was to believe that at 58 (me) and 61 (him) that we still were vital human beings with a lot to offer. A tough road, but so worthwhile.

    We are here with you, understanding much of your pain, feeling your joy at your metamorphosis and routing for you all the way! Be good to yourself and celebrate your inner butterfly!
    1951 days ago
    Oh Paula... you capture so much of what I think everyone experiences, those with true ED, the back and forth... accomplishing and undoing... I so get you, and this blog, and I know that you will definitely emerge into the space that has been waiting for you. The work isn't the weight, not for those with trauma or ED, the work has nothing to do with the weight... and when the weight is gone, our problems/memories/trauma are still there waiting for us to acknowledge and make peace with. That's the trickest part. I love you.
    1951 days ago
    It's definitely a life phase (ie. emoticon the fat chick mental battle) that many go through and talking things (and writing) out is probably the best form of therapy. I like to say that sometimes "Life gets in the way of my best intentions" because it does...and noone can fault a person for that as long as we are trying and moving forward to better ourselves as best as we can.

    Hang tight, keep talking, keep tracking, keep blogging. Put yourself on Maintenance with your weightloss goals too...focus on just staying there. It can take the edge off of having to lose those last 15 pounds and it is good practice for when you do.

    We are all here to listen and cheer you on as you emerge!! We got your back Madame Butterfly!!
    1951 days ago
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