Saturday, December 15, 2012
It was one of those days....
Here in the Care Center - we "patients" are often interrupted during our sleeping hours. You would think that SLEEP would be the number 1 priority - considering the long, grueling hours that we spend in therapy each day.
But never-the-less, I was awakened at 2AM for vitals, at 5 AM for an INR blood test and then at 7:20 AM because I had my FIRST therapy session - within the next 10 minutes. Obviously, not every therapist knows that I "don't do mornings" very easily. LOL
In Occupation Therapy I had the choice of wearing weights on my arms and putting a puzzle together OR wearing weights and pedaling the bike for 15 minutes (I chose the latter). Then she wanted to see how I was progressing with standing up...something that I STILL struggle with.
She watched me proceed in "my style" and then showed me what I was doing to try to stand. She made suggestions, like: sitting on the edge of my wheel chair, trying to tuck my feet back as far as possible, positioning my nose to be above my toes, leaning forward and standing up - which should make it easier to grasp my walker. Unfortunately, I don't have the muscles in my knees or in my thighs to "pull this off".
Each time I tried, she would tweak this process just a bit more and tell me to TRY AGAIN. Each time I kept getting more frustrated, I have been here since November 8th and I don't feel like I've made ANY progress. I finally shouted out - I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! And sat down in my chair, with tears streaming down my face and she asked why I was screaming? That it wasn't necessary to YELL to get my point across and my emotions broke loose and everything that I had been holding in, came pouring out!
Those raw emotions that we try to hide away to make people believe that we are stronger than we really are. Exposing our true selves to people we barely know, yet I know that they truly care about helping me regain my life back...feeling very vulnerable.
The morning continued in physical therapy and I warned her about my melt-downs in OT, to continue to push me - but tread softly. They don't let up, but they are sincere in acknowledging when you are "having a bad day".
This afternoon's physical therapy was back to the grueling resistance of working on building core muscles and strengthening the calf and thigh muscles. I push my therapist as well, as she needs to be my "resistance" at the back of my chair....so we are both getting a work-out!
I concentrated on standing, placing my feet back, leaning forward, grabbed onto the handles of my walker and stood up for ONE MINUTE and SEVEN SECONDS....it felt like FOREVER!
My goal to beat is TWO MINUTES and THIRTY-ONE SECONDS. Walking isn't even in the picture yet, although I did manage some steps prior to my illness before Thanksgiving.
So, although I had a better afternoon....I was still feeling down with all the events of the day.
Then Wayne walked in.....what a surprise, he usually doesn't come until Sunday!!! He brought me my king-sized pillow and mail.
I showed him my 'transferring skills' from the wheel chair to the bed (easier task when you have a bed with the capability of rising or lowering to stream-line the transfer). After I got into bed he looked at me and smiled. "WOW has your face ever thinned out".
Gotta tell you it was THE highlight of my day!!!!!
I took a step back tonight and checked to see where I had started and found out that I FINALLY broke through a problem area. Over the past I was able to lose about 40# and then I hit that yo-yo stage, which happens to many of us. I could never get past it and often wondered what I was really afraid of - was I scared to succeed?
Doesn't seem to matter anymore - I FINALLY broke past the 50 pound mark and with continued workouts in therapy, am hoping this 'new vision' will continue.
I know that I am my own worst enemy - often pushing myself beyond what I am capable of handling, unaware that I AM making progress - even when it doesn't feel like it. Patience is a VERY hard pill to swallow - not only with weight loss, but also with re-learning to stand and walk.
Hopefully I will be able to become more gentle with myself and look towards those smaller steps, learning to adapt, and keeping that vision, of eventually being able to head homeward, alive in my mind. Not losing faith in myself...
Melt-downs are bound to happen, they are like the speed bumps that occur frequently with our weight-loss goals. There are moments that we lose our grasp on that long-term vision...
But for now, it's time to brush myself off and to TRY, TRY, TRY....try again and NEVER give up!!!!!!!!!