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Face lift......

Saturday, December 15, 2012

It was one of those days....

Here in the Care Center - we "patients" are often interrupted during our sleeping hours. You would think that SLEEP would be the number 1 priority - considering the long, grueling hours that we spend in therapy each day.

But never-the-less, I was awakened at 2AM for vitals, at 5 AM for an INR blood test and then at 7:20 AM because I had my FIRST therapy session - within the next 10 minutes. Obviously, not every therapist knows that I "don't do mornings" very easily. LOL

In Occupation Therapy I had the choice of wearing weights on my arms and putting a puzzle together OR wearing weights and pedaling the bike for 15 minutes (I chose the latter). Then she wanted to see how I was progressing with standing up...something that I STILL struggle with.

She watched me proceed in "my style" and then showed me what I was doing to try to stand. She made suggestions, like: sitting on the edge of my wheel chair, trying to tuck my feet back as far as possible, positioning my nose to be above my toes, leaning forward and standing up - which should make it easier to grasp my walker. Unfortunately, I don't have the muscles in my knees or in my thighs to "pull this off".

Each time I tried, she would tweak this process just a bit more and tell me to TRY AGAIN. Each time I kept getting more frustrated, I have been here since November 8th and I don't feel like I've made ANY progress. I finally shouted out - I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!! And sat down in my chair, with tears streaming down my face and she asked why I was screaming? That it wasn't necessary to YELL to get my point across and my emotions broke loose and everything that I had been holding in, came pouring out!

Those raw emotions that we try to hide away to make people believe that we are stronger than we really are. Exposing our true selves to people we barely know, yet I know that they truly care about helping me regain my life back...feeling very vulnerable.

The morning continued in physical therapy and I warned her about my melt-downs in OT, to continue to push me - but tread softly. They don't let up, but they are sincere in acknowledging when you are "having a bad day".

This afternoon's physical therapy was back to the grueling resistance of working on building core muscles and strengthening the calf and thigh muscles. I push my therapist as well, as she needs to be my "resistance" at the back of my chair....so we are both getting a work-out!

I concentrated on standing, placing my feet back, leaning forward, grabbed onto the handles of my walker and stood up for ONE MINUTE and SEVEN SECONDS....it felt like FOREVER!

My goal to beat is TWO MINUTES and THIRTY-ONE SECONDS. Walking isn't even in the picture yet, although I did manage some steps prior to my illness before Thanksgiving.

So, although I had a better afternoon....I was still feeling down with all the events of the day.

Then Wayne walked in.....what a surprise, he usually doesn't come until Sunday!!! He brought me my king-sized pillow and mail.

I showed him my 'transferring skills' from the wheel chair to the bed (easier task when you have a bed with the capability of rising or lowering to stream-line the transfer). After I got into bed he looked at me and smiled. "WOW has your face ever thinned out".

Gotta tell you it was THE highlight of my day!!!!!

I took a step back tonight and checked to see where I had started and found out that I FINALLY broke through a problem area. Over the past I was able to lose about 40# and then I hit that yo-yo stage, which happens to many of us. I could never get past it and often wondered what I was really afraid of - was I scared to succeed?

Doesn't seem to matter anymore - I FINALLY broke past the 50 pound mark and with continued workouts in therapy, am hoping this 'new vision' will continue.

I know that I am my own worst enemy - often pushing myself beyond what I am capable of handling, unaware that I AM making progress - even when it doesn't feel like it. Patience is a VERY hard pill to swallow - not only with weight loss, but also with re-learning to stand and walk.

Hopefully I will be able to become more gentle with myself and look towards those smaller steps, learning to adapt, and keeping that vision, of eventually being able to head homeward, alive in my mind. Not losing faith in myself...

Melt-downs are bound to happen, they are like the speed bumps that occur frequently with our weight-loss goals. There are moments that we lose our grasp on that long-term vision...

But for now, it's time to brush myself off and to TRY, TRY, TRY....try again and NEVER give up!!!!!!!!!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Even with tears running, I just wanted to say meltdowns are ok. We all have them at one point or another no matter what is happening in our lives. I'm sure you are making great progress even if you don't see it all. So glad that Wayne noticed your weight loss!!! AWESOME!!!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers that each day gets a little easier for you and you reach the goals you are working so hard for...things many take for granted every day. I remember learning to walk again after my botched back surgery and my frustrations. My heart is with you all the way!!! I wish I were there to give you a big hug!!!
    I know that you are giving each day your very best and that is all you can do. Keep on keeping on!!!
    Blessings and hugs, my dear friend,

    emoticon emoticon
    2283 days ago
  • SAL1512
    It is okay to have a melt down every once and awhile! Those feelings need to be let out and do not be ashamed of that fact. You have been through a lot. You are tuff and the tuff get going!
    Sally emoticon
    2284 days ago
    Annie, I know that it's really hard to keep trying, but I also know that you can do it!! It won't happen overnight, but it will happen sooner than you think.

    2284 days ago
  • _KATHY
    How could you NOT have a melt down now and then. I think it is necessary. Your words are so emotionally honest. You have said what I've felt so many times. It looks like you are making progress and getting what you need. Day by day you are getting better. I'm proud of you :)
    2284 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2284 days ago
    Oh Annie, your blog made me smile and cry all at the same time! I'm so happy that you're making progress, and that you're losing weight into the bargain. I sure do understand how those melt downs can happen, and am only surprised it didn't happen sooner than it did---you're going through an awful lot right now--and have been for quite some time. You're my new hero in the way you manage to overcome all these obstacles in your way. I love your outlook too--melt down and all! It just shows that big heart in you, Annie dear. And when I read that you stood for ONE MINUTE AND SEVEN SECONDS, well, you should have just seen my big grin!!!!!

    AWESOME STUFF YOU DID ANNIE GIRL!!! WOooooooooooo HOoooooooooOO!!!!!

    What a great surprise that Wayne showed up when he did! Just when you needed him too! YAY Wayne, good man!!

    Keep fighting the good fight, Annie. I'm rooting and praying all the way!
    Love you-- Georgia
    2285 days ago
    Annie, You are doing so well. I can imagine how excited you were to be able to stand for just over a minute. I cried when I read it.
    Don't worry about the meltdowns. They happen to all of us. Sometimes I think it's nature's way of cleansing, other times I think that there must be a course in therapy school on how to push your patient over the cliff. Either way, it happens to all of us and while we may be embarrassed, it's probably part of the healing process.
    Keep on keeping on and know that there are a lot of people rooting for you.


    2285 days ago
    You are in my thoughts and prayers dear one. Keep on trying... you WILL succeed! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2285 days ago
    Oh Annie,
    Your blog brought me to tears this morning. You are working so hard to achieve what most of us take for granted each and every day. Thank you for waking me up!!!

    It's wonderful that Wayne noticed your weight loss....that put a smile on my face.

    I pray each day your journey gets a little easier for you.

    2285 days ago
    Good for you - it's tough keeping going when the results aren't always visible. I sometimes wish I could wave a magic wand and say 'Ok, I promise to stick to the sparkplan for the next two years, but in the mean time could I have the rewards NOW, so that I already know it's worth it?'
    2286 days ago
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