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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I was about to title this something else until I noticed what the date was! Today is my one year Veganversary! Now there have been a handful of times where I had cheated and snuck a slice of the boys homemade, from scratch, hot out of the oven cheese pizza, but definitely no meat for a whole year! That is awesome and I am so proud of myself! It is something I had always wanted to do my whole life and never had faith enough in myself to even try. But look at me now! One year! Yay me!!!

Also one year ago today I weighed in at 205. Today I weighed in at 150. Down 55 pounds from a year ago. And yes it is quite a bit up from a little over a month ago, but today I am ok with that. That brings me to what I was going to title this thing... :)

Denial is Deadly.

Yesterday I had a Come to Jesus moment. (Not sure if I termed that right) I was thinking about how I have been becoming more and more b*tchy to my husband who is trying really hard lately to give me attention, etc. And well to probably everyone around me for that matter. I also was thinking about how I have been eating so much trying not to eat so much.. I know that doesn't make since. I starting thinking Why? Why am I so anxious and getting depressed and annoyed? For one thing, I know I was nervous about the doctor visit. Why? I don't know. I get that way. Then when the situation is over I wonder why I put so much stress into it for nothing. The visit was non eventful. He was a bit of an arse. He shook his head at me for going off the meds but what irked me was when we were talking about my leg and knee he said I needed to go to a sports medicine doctor about it and that while I'm there not to talk to that doctor about my auto-immune disease. Meaning, I shouldn't be waiting HIS time talking to HIM about my leg and knee. He's a rheumatologist! He deals with knees and joints and stuff like that all the time. That's why I talked to him about it. A**! But whatever. It's over and I think I'm over him! I think it's time I moved on and sot a new doctor. So there!, mean man. :P

Secondly, (so much for making a long story short emoticon ) I get depressed this time of year EVERY year. Some years worse than others. Apparently this is one of them. SO I was thinking, What did I do back in my thinner days to deal? I acknowledged it!! Woo hoo! Bright light bulb going off!! Ah Ha moment here!!! I went and got junk I normally wouldn't get like soda and chocolate and salt and vinegar chips and a really good cry movie and attacked them all with a vengeance!! Pouring out my tears and sorrow into the movie and letting it all out. Am I saying turning to food in a emotional crises is good? No. I don't think I am. But what I am saying is that for the past month I have been denying that I've been getting depressed and eating like crazy trying not to think about it. All good foods but still adding up and getting me no where but deeper into my hole of not knowing what was going on. SO, yesterday I embraced it. I have been bashing myself for eating way too much popcorn lately. Yesterday I acknowledged that I have been hurting and that it is ok to hurt. It is understandable that I have been hurting. I got an almond log when I was at Walmart and when I got home I popped fresh popcorn and I sat and made my friends birthday present while I ate my treat and came to terms with my situation and let it go. I feel so much lighter today! Not from the treat, I am definitely heavier with it :), but from the knowing that what has been happening with me.. Is the same I deal with every year and that I CAN deal with it. I CAN get through this. I did it before when I was younger before the steroids and the weight and I can do it now. I CAN DO THIS!!! And if I can except that maybe there may be a day that I need to let the guard down and be sad and hurt and watch a cry movie and eat junk then that's ok. I WILL lead a healthy life. I WILL eat a healthy well balanced vegan gluten free diet for majority of my days. I WILL exercise. I WILL live this life that I so want and need. BUT that doesn't mean I can't break down in more ways than one and just let go sometimes. It is so hard sometimes because you feel like you are giving up control by feeling hurt and sad when you are supposed to be happy. But I reminded myself yesterday that by letting it take you for one day, for one moment, and acknowledging it's presence instead of pushing it down.. that IS taking control. That is controlling the situation. By denying the existence of the depression, and sadness, and hurt is letting IT have control. Today I take control. Today I am free. Yes there is still hurt in there. But Now I say hello. I don't turn my head from it. I put my arm around it. I love it. I don't LOVE it. I love it. Love on it. To heal it. I know that every year I will be here dealing with this. It's ok. Next year may be less so. I will deal with it. This year I may have made it harder on myself with this new lifestyle, feeling like I always need to control every aspect to stay in line. Now I know. Now I remember. Now I am ok. I am good. I am human. I hurt. I can handle this. Don't run from it. Dive into it. Say hello to it. Hug it. Love it. Be it. Feel it. Then keep living. Keep moving forward. That's how you you can go back to smiling and being happy, by being kind to your sadness and hurt. You can do this. Be kind to you. ALL parts of you. Both the happy and the sad. Love you. All parts of you. It takes all parts to make the whole of you, not just the cheery happy go lucky parts. All of you is gorgeous and beautiful and strong and lovely. You are extraordinary.

p.s. I will share the history of this. Hopefully tomorrow, but if not, soon. HAVE A GOOD DAY! :)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your post caught my eye because I started my vegan journey this yea r on12-12 so it feels like we have the same vegan birthday. Also, I am not at my best this time of year and it is work to change and not be swallowed by sadness, especially I light of recent events. But then I remember that even a smile can ease suffering.good luck with your goals's not just that you can... You Are!
    2016 days ago
    Happy Veganversary! emoticon
    2020 days ago
    I loved one of the things you said. You said you will eat a vegan and gluten free life a MAJORITY of your days. I stress out so much, that I will not eat clean every single day of my life. That is a really unhealthy way to look at things. NO one can be perfect except Jesus Christ our Lord, and he even got mad once. So he was 100 percent blemish free.

    As for your doc, well, I think that is RIDICULOUS. Of course you are suppose to talk to your various doctors about ALL your medical concerns. That is how there can be drug overdoses (what if you go to your sports med doc and he doesn't know what meds you are on because you don't talk to him about your auto immune disease and he prescribes you some med that counteracts with your auto immune disease..that could be deadly)!!! Also your knee problem might be caused by your auto-immune problem. How are you to know, you are not a doctor. Yea, sounds like you need a new doc.

    Yay for being vegan for a year. Part of me really wants to try it, but..but..but..:) Yea. :) I love cheese and fishes so much. I might have to at least try it for a week though.

    2020 days ago
    Congrats on the Vegaversary! When I was thin, I was vegetarian for quite a while and it was much easier to keep my weight where it should be.
    On the seasonal depression [me too] in the daytime turn on all the lights in your house. Bright ones of every kind--fluorescent, incandescent, whatever--to get the full spectrum. It helps.
    We can do this!
    2020 days ago
    Happy anniversary! emoticon
    2020 days ago
  • CARA_FIT37
    Happy Vegananniversary! You are really a strong person to make such a big change. Good for you! We all have our ups and downs and trust me you will head back on the up swing!

    I do the same thing...stress, stress, stress! And about the littlest things too! I will say I have gotten better. I try to step back and assess the situation and decide if its really worth all that brain power.

    And for heaven sake find a new doctor! He sounds like a mean old man! You need someone who looks at you like a person and is caring!

    Anyways until next time :D Have a good day!
    2020 days ago
    Happy Veganversary! That's a huge milestone!!
    It takes courage to acknowledge the difficult stuff in life and you're on
    the right path for sure. I've been struggling with a couple of things myself
    and I recently realized that the key for me is to sit with those feelings
    instead of hiding from them. Let's take back control! We can do this! emoticon emoticon
    2020 days ago
    I love your bible verse! Thanks for sharing such an insightful entry today. The sentence that resonates with me is the one about it takes all parts of you to make you who you are. We are beautiful, strong and lovely! We are extraordinary!! emoticon
    2020 days ago
    Congratulations on all of the wonderful changes in the last year. You have made a lot of progress toward a much healthier life. Keep up the great work!

    Seeing a sports medicine guy isn't such a bad idea for the knee. They typically prescribe physical therapy before anything else and it helps to strengthen what is week. I went to a doctor for my knee problems and it turns out it wasn't my knee at all. I had weak hamstrings. Once I started doing the exercises and built up strength in my hamstrings and did proper stretches no more knee pain. Just a thought!

    I'm glad your appointment went well. Good luck seeking out a new doctor. You should definitely find one that makes you comfortable, listens to you and doesn't cause so much anxiety.
    2020 days ago
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