My darkest time yet (with some TMI)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hi friends!

Right now I am going through such a hard time, emotionally. I have never really been an emotional eater and 95% of the time always on track with my eating and working out. Very rarely do I get off track. I am happy to admit that, for sure. It look a long time for me to get there but I got there and now I am eating my way though junk and feeling horrible and pathetic.

I didn't know whether or not to post this or not but I know I can post anything here without being judged. I know I can post things here and and some will read and move on , some will read and comment - but frankly I am here tonight just to talk to myself and maybe help myself get through this.

In October, my husband and I found out that we were expecting! Our first try and we get a big ole positive! What an amazing feeling, something I wanted for so long finally happened and we are ready to start our family! Then something happened that totally changed everything. It was a Tuesday morning when I went to work, like usual, go pee, like usual but this time I had some blood. (Sorry for the TMI). I started to freak out and went to my moms office (I work for her) and started balling. She looked at my and said "your spotting". That entire time was miserable. Staring with that then going to the Dr for an early ultrasound, to telling me I am not as far along as I thought and nothing can be seen yet. Then onto Friday where I was having massive bleeding (sorry TMI) and cramping from hell and beyond. From everything I read I pretty much knew I was miscarrying and nothing I was experiencing was a normal sign of pregnancy. That Monday I went to the Dr and after 2 weeks of routine lab work it was confirmed that we had lost our baby.

I had no idea what to think, but all I knew was that I was ready for it to be over so we can move on and try again. That feeling was there for about 2 weeks. The past week or so things have been awful. I have been having horrible crying spells, not wanting to do anything, feeling sorry for myself and really being bad company for myself and anyone around me. I put on my happy face at work but break down when the day is over. I thought things were getting better but I was wrong. Maybe I was in shock in the beginning and just thought I was fine. Was I in denial that is had happened? I am a disaster and can't seem to get out of this rut.

My mom and bestfriend and some close sparkfriends tell me that it will take time to heal, emotionally but I don't know how much more I can take.

I have let myself go. This is not me. I am high energy , loving, energetic, outgoing, fun, active, healthy, organized and most of all happy. Now I am low on energy, blah, un-motivated, feeling totally unhealthy, the most unorganized person with no time management and just plain sad. It's awful.

So you might thing this is a too personal of a blog to write but I really needed to get this off my chest and onto something, and I hate writing on paper. I am hoping I can look back on this and grow from it and learn that God has a plan for me and it's not to have a pity party but to trust in him and he will provide strength. For about 2 weeks I didn't go to to Church because I was questioning a lot of things, but when I went back to Church on Sunday I realized that is where I needed to be in order to feel full again. H

I have hope that this blog will make me feel better and help me understand this isn't the end of the world and this too shall pass, like everything else.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2428 days ago
    Manda, I am so sorry to hear about this. I know how excited you are to finally get to start your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon
    2428 days ago
    I am in the BLC as a Forest Green Pixie and I am sorry that I have never really met you, but it broke my heart to read about your pain. However, you are absolutely right to blog about this. No better place than SparkPeople to share your thoughts in a supportive, non-judgmental environment. Don't about TMI. It's your blog. Everyone else is free to read it or not.

    At least you and hubby have each other and you obviously have lots of friends and a supportive mom. I hope that better days lie ahead for you!!! emoticon
    2440 days ago
    emoticon I have not personally experienced the loss of a baby but I've had several friends who did so I know something of what you are going through. As others have said, your are exactly where you should be. Yes, you were in shock early on - just as any of us are when a loved one dies. Now you are grieving your loss - that is perfectly normal. This isn't something that you can recover from in a couple of weeks like the flu - this is the loss of your child! Just hang in there and it will be easier - time does heal. Sending prayers for healing!!
    2440 days ago
  • JD394471
    Hi Dear,
    I am so sorry.
    Life is so difficutl sometimes.

    Taake tiem to grieve. That is what you are doibng,anb if you need tocry, you just cry.
    that was a life you lost, no matter how early.

    Yoru hormones are also making you feel this way.

    I know how you feel. i had 3 miscarriages and ended u with no children,so know the sadness you are gointg through. Dr told me that whenyou miscarriage ina early pregnancy itis jsut natures way of takinhg care of it, and it is too hard to know what happened,but will just make for a better baby next time.
    and I am sure you will get pregnant again.

    Iwill pray for you and I am here for you. Email me if you want.

    I love you.

    2440 days ago
    You ARE AMAZING! First : your blog means there is no such thing as TMI!
    Next... You are going to encounter such a range of emotions, normal and expected! I hope your family, friends, spark family can help you just a little as you move forward. emoticon
    2440 days ago
  • 2009-2016
    You are not alone. You continue to be in my prayers and in my thoughts. Part of your mood may be due to hormones, that is your body adjusting. xo

    2442 days ago
  • DSCHMIDT1007
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss! I've helped my best friend through this more than once sadly. I can't say that you will ever totally be over the loss of a child, but know that there are brighter days ahead. Your family, friends & sparkfriends are here for you & are always rooting you on wishing the best!

    Try to smile & know that this is not end all of who you are!
    2442 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Mandy!! I had no idea and feel bad that I wasn't able to support you and encourage you in your darkest hours. I love you sweety. emoticon From everyone I've talked to who's gone through similar situations, it is something that takes a long time to heal and recover. I pray God helps you regain your spirit. You've always been an inspiration to others full of love and kindness. Lean on us whenever you need to
    2443 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, but more importantly i'm sorry i wasn't around to comfort you. You are in my thoughts and prayers Amanda.
    How ironic is it, that i've been re-watching 7th Heaven the final season where Lucy is dealing with the same thing. I know it's just a tv show, but the feelings you have normal. I'm happy to hear you are back in church. God is a healer. Sometimes we don't understand why things happen, but through the rough times i've endured, i've learnt just to trust him and draw closer to him. Our God is a loving God who will not inflict pain on us....remember that. I love you! Hang in there sweetie. Joy comes in the morning.
    2443 days ago
    You are in my thoughts. I know you will pull through and become even stronger than you are now. emoticon
    2443 days ago
    I don't have any great words of wisdom, but wanted to offer you my thoughts and prayers to you! Sparkpeople is a wonderful place to find the support we need no matter what we're going through!

    2443 days ago
    OMG Amanda...first off I'm so sorry for your lost and you did lose something..YOUR BABY... I know from when I first was drawn to you on the first BLC we signed up for andI came to your page and it said you were doing weightloss to have a healthy pregnancy...I went AWE being a mom myself I know the LOVE you give forth to your child...and it getting to know you I dont know if you remember but I told you you were going to be a GREAT MOM...and what you are doing now is a prime example of're grieving as well you should be and you and only you can process it..not your mom,not your DH,not your BF, not even your sparkfriends only YOU...So allow yourself to grieve...yell,scream,shout,cry,thro
    w things but dont DONT hold it in..that WOULD be unhealthy...I muself on several occasions had scares with our precious Princess Mia..I prayed and prayed and prayed and told myself God's on control of this and He knows best...and although I had continous complications with her God bestowed upon us our precious babygirl ...two months early but healthy and having no breathing complications when she arrived....God will grant you your will go thru all the ups and downs of pregnancy and will delivery a healthy baby..REMEMBER AMANDA YOU ARE GOING TO BE AN AWESOME are so full of life and are a great caring and loving person...pray,grieve and allow yourself to fully process your lost...there's no time table for this so dont think you have to bounce back so to speak in a month or two...I LOVE YA GIRL AND I'M SENDING YOU HUGS RIGHT NOW...PLEASE PLEASE SPARKMAIL IF YOU NEED TO TALK RANT OR RAVE...GOD'S GRACE AND PEACE WITH YOU MY FRIEND((((((((hugs)))))))))
    2443 days ago
  • SUCCESSN2018

    I've never experienced a miscarriage but I do understand all of the emotions your going through. The best peice of advice I can give you and to just do what your doing. I know that may sound crazy but its perfectly normal to feel the way you do and not want to do your normal every day things.

    No one will judge you for what you wrote. They are your feelings and no one should make you feel bad for what your feeling. Oh and if they do I'll kick their butt for you.

    Take all the time you need to cope and heal and when you feel you can get back to your normal routine, then do it.
    2444 days ago
    My dear sweet friend, my heart goes out to you! Remember, no matter what dark times you are going through, somewhere inside you is still that high energy , loving, energetic, outgoing, fun, active, healthy, organized and most of all happy person who loves to blog with emoticons all over the place!

    I'm glad you realize where you need to go for comfort and peace: God, the ultimate healer and lover of your soul. Remember: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psam 73:26. Trust in Him, and He will give you the desires of your heart. God has a plan for you, and I bet it includes children for you to love and laugh with.

    Hang in there, chickie! And always feel free to call, text, email, or blog. As the song goes, "You've got a friend"!
    2444 days ago
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