My darkest time yet (with some TMI)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Right now I am going through such a hard time, emotionally. I have never really been an emotional eater and 95% of the time always on track with my eating and working out. Very rarely do I get off track. I am happy to admit that, for sure. It look a long time for me to get there but I got there and now I am eating my way though junk and feeling horrible and pathetic.
I didn't know whether or not to post this or not but I know I can post anything here without being judged. I know I can post things here and and some will read and move on , some will read and comment - but frankly I am here tonight just to talk to myself and maybe help myself get through this.
In October, my husband and I found out that we were expecting! Our first try and we get a big ole positive! What an amazing feeling, something I wanted for so long finally happened and we are ready to start our family! Then something happened that totally changed everything. It was a Tuesday morning when I went to work, like usual, go pee, like usual but this time I had some blood. (Sorry for the TMI). I started to freak out and went to my moms office (I work for her) and started balling. She looked at my and said "your spotting". That entire time was miserable. Staring with that then going to the Dr for an early ultrasound, to telling me I am not as far along as I thought and nothing can be seen yet. Then onto Friday where I was having massive bleeding (sorry TMI) and cramping from hell and beyond. From everything I read I pretty much knew I was miscarrying and nothing I was experiencing was a normal sign of pregnancy. That Monday I went to the Dr and after 2 weeks of routine lab work it was confirmed that we had lost our baby.
I had no idea what to think, but all I knew was that I was ready for it to be over so we can move on and try again. That feeling was there for about 2 weeks. The past week or so things have been awful. I have been having horrible crying spells, not wanting to do anything, feeling sorry for myself and really being bad company for myself and anyone around me. I put on my happy face at work but break down when the day is over. I thought things were getting better but I was wrong. Maybe I was in shock in the beginning and just thought I was fine. Was I in denial that is had happened? I am a disaster and can't seem to get out of this rut.
My mom and bestfriend and some close sparkfriends tell me that it will take time to heal, emotionally but I don't know how much more I can take.
I have let myself go. This is not me. I am high energy , loving, energetic, outgoing, fun, active, healthy, organized and most of all happy. Now I am low on energy, blah, un-motivated, feeling totally unhealthy, the most unorganized person with no time management and just plain sad. It's awful.
So you might thing this is a too personal of a blog to write but I really needed to get this off my chest and onto something, and I hate writing on paper. I am hoping I can look back on this and grow from it and learn that God has a plan for me and it's not to have a pity party but to trust in him and he will provide strength. For about 2 weeks I didn't go to to Church because I was questioning a lot of things, but when I went back to Church on Sunday I realized that is where I needed to be in order to feel full again. H
I have hope that this blog will make me feel better and help me understand this isn't the end of the world and this too shall pass, like everything else.