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And here's another example of how I've become a terrible person through all this weight loss....

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I struggle with exercise compulsion. A lot. And I still struggle with fear of food. A lot. It makes me kind of a terrible person sometimes.

Today's example: My husband's uncle is dying. He's had a lot of problems with tumors and cancer and so forth, and recently it's gotten to the point that there's nothing more they can do and his only option now is hospice care. No one seems to know how long he's got left.

Now, my husband has never been tremendously close with his extended family, but they're still family and I know he's still kind of sad to be losing his uncle. His parents called this evening to say that they're planning on visiting the uncle and his wife before Christmas. My husband would like to go with them. Obviously, I ought to go too, and I will - but my main thought upon hearing this was "Oh no, this is likely to be an all-day trip and I won't be able to exercise and I won't be in control of my food - it'll be restaurant foods all day long!" Then, when my husband said he wanted to go this Saturday, I panicked and started crying because this Saturday is also his office Christmas party, which had already been making me nervous because of the likely-to-be-unhealthy foods. We were planning on a long hike that morning to help me feel better about the party food. Now the trip to a neighboring state to visit the uncle would DEFINITELY mean lots of unhealthy scary food in one day and no chance to exercise!

I am awful. I freaked out and cried, not for his uncle, but because the idea of a day with no exercise and so much unanticipated unhealthy food just scares the bejesus out of me.

Thank god my husband is as understanding and patient as he is. I am really, truly blessed to have him. I made a final deathbed visit to a family member all about me instead and my obsession with exercise/nutrition. He would have been perfectly within his rights to yell at me and call me selfish...but instead he tried to comfort me and assured me that we could go for a run before leaving.

I'm thrilled to be healthier and fitter and all that now that I've lost weight...but sometimes I wonder if I also lost some part of me that makes me a kinder, more patient, and even a more fun-loving person too.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HDHAWK
    Part of making this a lifestyle change is learning how to handle those unplanned situations. You can always pack healthy snacks and make the best choices you can at restaurants. If you're at the hospital for a while you can walk the halls now and again to get a break and move around some. A missed workout or two won't ruin your whole plan. Your husband is a sweetie.
    2500 days ago
  • COLETTEISGREAT
    It's hard when we feel out of control. One of the best ways to add some control is to do some research on restaurants and have a go-to meal at each one. And there's nothing wrong with taking a 15 minute break from an event to go for a walk so settle your mind.

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    2500 days ago
  • CALIPIDGIOUS
    It's good you can see your behavior for what it is. Its even better your husband didn't tell you to go fry your ass. So, two good things there. I often find that skinny people that used to be fat remind me of reformed smokers, not always the most pleasant people to be around. You've discussed your obsession with working out numerous times, often with the caveat that if you didn't start to get better soon, you were heading to a professional to help with your obsession. Perhaps this situation should be a catalyst for you to recognize that it is not really fair to depend on your husband to drag you through these episodes and obsessions no matter what. While it is great that he was supportive of you in that moment, he should not have had to be. And the fact that you wrote that blog means that you are aware of what reaction you actually deserved. Hoping you get to the bottom of it all soon so that you can have some relief from what I can only imagine must be a crushing, all consuming drive to work out, work out, work out even when its what is now keeping you from accomplishing your most cherished goal. Best of luck to your husband in his visit this weekend.


    2501 days ago
  • MERETONI
    I can see why the change in plans would upset you, I felt that way sometimes as well. But I learned, and found out, that cheat days are a great thing. I would do it about once every week or two in the summer thanks to being at camp. Since camp has been over I haven't had much chances to have those cheat days but I got one last weekend and may get one this weekend too.

    Course, I don't go overboard with the food, but I also don't worry too much about tracking. I eat whatever I want but watch portions and if it is a dinner, I watch what I eat during the day...

    I found my body likes these cheat days. It's almost like a treat for my body and can almost be a reset for it. Of course eating well is the best for your body, but indulging once in a while can be a great thing for you.

    I say go have a relaxing Saturday. If you do restaurants just be aware.. eat chicken, wraps, salads (you know all this!! :)) and say to yourself, "one day not working out won't be a bad thing! In fact it will be a great thing!"

    I hope it works out for you, and I hope the best for your husband's uncle.
    2501 days ago
  • STRONGMOMMA2014
    I think you should give yourself credit for realizing that you have these extreme feelings. As much as you struggle, you can logically review it and put it in the right place. I don't think you are a bad person, or selfish. You are struggling with something so powerful and real. Your husband IS a keeper. I think my husband is amazing, but I know that he would NEVER be so understanding. He is supportive to a point. Best of luck working through this. I am sorry to hear about your husband's uncle. There is never a good time for things like this, but it is almost more painful during the holidays. I wish peace for his uncle and your family. I hope you find balance to get through the day.

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    2501 days ago
  • GIANTMICROBE
    Your husband is a keeper!
    2501 days ago
  • ESCHLETZ
    You can turn things around, so that you can feel like you're being more supportive for your husband and his family, and not letting your fear of restaurant food get in the way. Why don't you pack yourself some healthy travel foods? That way you know what you'll be eating and when you go into the restaurant you can just pick a salad or soup.
    I'm so glad your hubby is so supportive of you as you work through this stage of your journey too.
    2501 days ago
  • ROOSTER72
    Don't beat yourself up - feeling guilty will do nothing for your husband, or his uncle. It will just eat at you.
    Great that you recognise you have a problem - that is the first step.
    You can still make it up to your husband from now, and on the day. As my Dad likes to say "Suck it up, princess" (I know it is harsh, but sometimes you just gotta)
    2501 days ago
  • 62ANDWINNING
    B-A-L-A-N-C-E The compulsion will hurt YOU more than anyone else. Learn that everything can not be controlled. It will take practice.
    2501 days ago
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