And here's another example of how I've become a terrible person through all this weight loss....
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I struggle with exercise compulsion. A lot. And I still struggle with fear of food. A lot. It makes me kind of a terrible person sometimes.
Today's example: My husband's uncle is dying. He's had a lot of problems with tumors and cancer and so forth, and recently it's gotten to the point that there's nothing more they can do and his only option now is hospice care. No one seems to know how long he's got left.
Now, my husband has never been tremendously close with his extended family, but they're still family and I know he's still kind of sad to be losing his uncle. His parents called this evening to say that they're planning on visiting the uncle and his wife before Christmas. My husband would like to go with them. Obviously, I ought to go too, and I will - but my main thought upon hearing this was "Oh no, this is likely to be an all-day trip and I won't be able to exercise and I won't be in control of my food - it'll be restaurant foods all day long!" Then, when my husband said he wanted to go this Saturday, I panicked and started crying because this Saturday is also his office Christmas party, which had already been making me nervous because of the likely-to-be-unhealthy foods. We were planning on a long hike that morning to help me feel better about the party food. Now the trip to a neighboring state to visit the uncle would DEFINITELY mean lots of unhealthy scary food in one day and no chance to exercise!
I am awful. I freaked out and cried, not for his uncle, but because the idea of a day with no exercise and so much unanticipated unhealthy food just scares the bejesus out of me.
Thank god my husband is as understanding and patient as he is. I am really, truly blessed to have him. I made a final deathbed visit to a family member all about me instead and my obsession with exercise/nutrition. He would have been perfectly within his rights to yell at me and call me selfish...but instead he tried to comfort me and assured me that we could go for a run before leaving.
I'm thrilled to be healthier and fitter and all that now that I've lost weight...but sometimes I wonder if I also lost some part of me that makes me a kinder, more patient, and even a more fun-loving person too.