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****how do you break thru a broken spirit????****

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

This is something that I have been struggling with for a couple of months now. As most of you know I began this weightloss journey with my little sister. When we started it was the end of May, it was beautiful outside and their was a lot of motivation that got us to our workouts. We made working out our job and we were losing weight consistently although my sister would lose a bunch of weight and then gain half of it back and ride that roller coaster. I am sure she gained and lost close to 70 lbs. As of Thanksgiving, she was officially 39 lbs down. However, two weeks prior to that she was down 44 lbs. We both have a goal of being down 50 by year end.

I don't know what the exact problem is and because I don't know what it is, I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to say or do to make the lightbulb go off in her head because I know her heart wants to lose weight and I know for certain, her health needs for her to lose that weight. I don't even enjoy my own successes because I see her struggling. Her eating is out of control and off schedule. Her and her husband eat late and eat a lot. Her workouts are little to none unless i work out with her. And when she works out alone, I know she is not pushing herself as hard as she is capable of going. Knowing she is only a handful of pounds from being 300 lbs again makes me sick. Not in an irritated way but in a this is my baby sister and I know she is hurting herself and there is nothing I can do about it kind of way. Derrell tells me that all I can do is be available and in the meantime I need to focus on my goals. I know she is an adault and that this is her issue, HOWEVER, I am the big sister and if I am capable of saving her from health issues, then I am going to do it. I just don't know how to break through a spirit that is already broken.
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  • LADYBUG546
    I think you continue to say I am heading to the gym or can always keep the door open to the offers...even though it can be frustrating. You can want the weight lose for her however she needs to want it bad for fiance tells me that all the time...I am the only one that can change my weight and he cane support me which he does. Sounds like your a huge support to your sister. Basically your sister needs to believe in herself and want it bad enough emoticon emoticon

    2019 days ago
    I wish there was a magical method to help the people you care about but there really isn't. I know how hard it can be to break away from a loved one who has bad habits. Its a really tough mental process. I kept trying to lose weight for years until I realized that there were alot of emotional reasons behind my weight gain that people couldn't understand.

    My family was poor so when there was food you stuffed yourself and some days you were hungry. I had to teach myself to stop doing that. The food wasn't going to disappear. I didn't need to eat an entire pie. I could always just go and buy another pie next week. . .

    I realized that pictures were my worse enemy and my best friend. I hated seeing photos of myself at my highest weight. I was ashamed of how heavy I was getting and embarrassed by my photos. But now I use them to remind me where I have been and where I am now. It is my main source of motivation to keep trying.

    Maybe seeing a few pictures would help your sister. Good luck. I hope that things work out for your sister. They say motivation is the easiest thing to lose but luckily you can find it again everyday!

    2019 days ago
    As others have said, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. You cant do it for hard as that is to accept. I have had the same struggle with my mom. Its very hard to come to that place where you just have to accept you cannot do it for them. As much as you would like to, you just cant. You can be there for her, give her advice when needed, and support her as much as you can, but pushing her will probably only make the problem worse. People lose the weight when THEY are ready, I know that from my own experience. As much as someone "wants" to lose weight, its all in a mind set and if shes not in the right one, she will continue to struggle.
    2019 days ago
    I believe your statement here is incorrect:
    "I know her heart wants to lose weight."

    I don't think her heart does. She may want to lose weight, she may want to be smaller, healthier, with less problems. But if her heart wanted it, then she would have the drive to really go for it.

    What you're looking for is how to help her motivate herself from the inside, and you simply can't give her that. She needs to have something click--you can't flip the switch for her.

    My mother of all people knows this. She's been trying to flip that switch in myself, my brother, and my father for years (particularly my father). I would blow her off, my brother would get offended/angry, and my father just hasn't had the energy. In my case, it was realizing how low in weight she was that got my butt into gear. When she was close to my weight, the chance that she might weigh less than me for the first time in my life startled me. I should be working like she's been working, and so I started up again with SparkPeople and real exercise/dieting (unlike the hall-@$$ attempt I'd been making before).

    My brother has started as well on his own. He's slowly been finding ways that work for him. He's not losing more than maybe three pounds per month, but it's working for him.

    My dad is retiring January 3rd, so we'll see how that goes. He'll have more free time, so less excuses to get started on his health.

    My mom eventually stopped trying so hard. I mean, she kept better food in the house and hid any sweets from my father because of his health, but she stopped suggesting to everyone how much better they'd feel if they ate better or worked out more.

    It was up to us to get started, just like it's up to your sister. I know it's scary because she is really suffering from her current lifestyle, but she needs to decide for HERSELF to pack a healthy snack to avoid overeating late at night, to prepare healthier foods for her major meals, to stop binging, to minimize sweets, to work out as hard as possible with or without you. She needs to snap herself, you can't give that to her.

    So, to answer your question--you don't break through a broken spirit. The spirit has to put its pieces back together.

    Be supportive. Be encouraging. Offer advice and suggestions when asked, but don't overdo it. Push her when she wants you to (like during your workouts), but don't push without her explicit permission.

    Because when she IS truly ready, she'll come to you. Yet no one can decide when that is but her.
    2019 days ago
    Is it possible to spend some time talking about goals and plan on helping her create a motivational poster? What are her goals?? Have you guys talked about this, she isn't as motivated as you are(which is easy, because you ROCK in the motivated dept) This sometimes can help open the door to discussion about how she feels about her progress. She's struggling to make the connection to "Sacrificing what she wants for the future, for what she wants now"

    Only she will be able to make the ultimate decision. Food is an addiction. It's tough to come to the ultimate conclusion that we can't eat what we used to...and that moderation is key.

    As for exercise... Just planning some exercise with her, will help keep her moving.

    You can't do it for her though Nik....she has to decide to do it for herself- and she will (or wont) but also at her own pace & goal structure.

    Just give her the love that she needs. Tell her how important she is to you...not about her health, or her lack of motivation. But that you love her unconditionally. You leading by example & finding self fulfillment, happiness and security may be just enough to get her motivated.
    2019 days ago
    In agreement with everyone here. I have the same issues with my mom, and I just know wishing, hoping and wanting her won't do it; she ultimately has to want it enough for herself to make the change.On The Biggest Loser, Bob Harper revealed that one of his biggest heartaches is that here he is one of the best trainer's in the world and he can't help his sister lose weight. He has tried everything and she is still very overweight. Just some food for thought.

    Keep being a strong, supportive example of fitness, and hopefully it will trigger a change in her emoticon
    2019 days ago
  • DALID414
    I have the same problem with my little sis (about working out) she's doing Weight Watchers and says she doesn't want to workout because it 'earns' her points for more food (huh?).
    I hate to say it, but they need to have their own ah-ha moment to see things for themselves. We can't be the pushy, nagging, big sisters (it gets old and annoying to both parties). Focus your time and energy on yourself. Maybe once you hit your goal something will click for her (like she could have done it with you).
    2019 days ago
    I feel your pain, my older sister had the stomach surgery to force her to eat smaller meals over a year ago and has gained all her weight back plus some. It's hard to be working on your own goals when you see them struggling but keep up that great work! You're hard work and motivation shows them that they too can get the same results. Being sisters is a strong bond, keep at her and even if it's only a few pounds here and there she will get there with your motivational proof :)
    2019 days ago
  • EUEK098
    Keep being the good example that you are, keep offering all the support and help with nutrition and workouts. You can take a horse to the stream, but you can't force it to drink. I would suggest an intervention, but am not a big fan of that, give words of wisdom and try your best.
    She has to do it for herself, all you can do is be there, and support her when needed.
    2020 days ago
  • PURPLE180
    You are an AWESOME sister. Sometimes it just takes us a while to get it together and to become fully committed. Everyone has that mark they hit and they have their wake up moment. She is very lucky to have you and your support. Does her husband agree with her new healthy lifestyle? Does he motivate her? Maybe you can talk to him and try to encourage him to encourage her.
    2020 days ago
  • SPERRIN2012
    Keep plugging away and try to keep your numbers in the range you need them to be to lose weight. Sounds like the exercise piece isn'ta problem so the food must be causing the delay in being as fit as you and your sister are looking to become. Consistency is the key. Believe me when I say that I started in late April and am still only down 30lbs. I know that my exercise hasn't been as intense as I'd like but with my knee healing up there's no more excuses. emoticon
    2020 days ago
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