250-499 SparkPoints 449

Day 21

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Week #3 weigh in had me down 4 pounds and another 1.5 inches around the belly. For me it never has been about the numbers. This is a mathematical equation, really. It is literally a road map to health where all the guess work is taken out of it. There is no thinking involved. I needed a system just like this to help me maintain diligence. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. As much as it isn’t about the numbers, it is nice to see a downward trend. I would much rather see that than a yo-yo. That is harder on the body than anything.

I have death reminding me that going backwards is not an option. I have two aging parents that will leave this Earth wondering if I am not far behind them. I have kids and a wife that need me around for the long haul. I have a great job in a career that has endless opportunity. I HAVE A LIFE worthy of me being in it. I deserve happiness and confidence. For the longest time, I thought that being a divorcee meant since I failed in my first marriage that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I have a 15-year old daughter who hates me and feels abandoned by me. Since I moved away 5 years ago, I have let the past dictate my future. I have used it as a crutch and an excuse to feed my addiction. I figured dying would allow me to start over. In a sense, I was giving myself permission to eat myself to early death and rid people of me and all of the failures associated with me. That was my reality. I had success dropping weight and would immediately go back to old habits always having this voice in my head telling me I didn’t deserve to be me. My identity of health and happiness was replaced with shame and obesity. I was a life of excuses. I needed a change, a reason to move forward. Every time I made progress, I was reminded how what I used to be was not worthy of my energy. Stop trying already, just enjoy the time you have.

Why is this time different? I guess it boils down to I don’t want to die anymore. I realize I cannot control all of the things in my life, but I can control what I create within my life. I realize I can control my health as opposed to kicking under the carpet and thinking that one day, a genie will come grant me a wish. I realize that be realistic is more proactive. I understand tomorrow may never come so I do the best I can to make today matter. I owe it to myself to move forward since I have spent too many years taking steps back. When I think about cheating, I think of about how many times I have let those I love down by making empty promises. I am tired of spinning my wheels. I am tired of being that disappointment. Every day I commit myself to this protocol knowing that every day that I do make that commitment is one step closer to where I want to be. I will get there. For the first time in a long time, I believe in all of my heart that the finish line exists, that I can see it. I want to live. I will get my life back. There isn’t a vice in the world that will change that.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Be the First to Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.