Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Week #3 weigh in had me down 4 pounds and another 1.5 inches around the belly. For me it never has been about the numbers. This is a mathematical equation, really. It is literally a road map to health where all the guess work is taken out of it. There is no thinking involved. I needed a system just like this to help me maintain diligence. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. As much as it isn’t about the numbers, it is nice to see a downward trend. I would much rather see that than a yo-yo. That is harder on the body than anything.
I have death reminding me that going backwards is not an option. I have two aging parents that will leave this Earth wondering if I am not far behind them. I have kids and a wife that need me around for the long haul. I have a great job in a career that has endless opportunity. I HAVE A LIFE worthy of me being in it. I deserve happiness and confidence. For the longest time, I thought that being a divorcee meant since I failed in my first marriage that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I have a 15-year old daughter who hates me and feels abandoned by me. Since I moved away 5 years ago, I have let the past dictate my future. I have used it as a crutch and an excuse to feed my addiction. I figured dying would allow me to start over. In a sense, I was giving myself permission to eat myself to early death and rid people of me and all of the failures associated with me. That was my reality. I had success dropping weight and would immediately go back to old habits always having this voice in my head telling me I didn’t deserve to be me. My identity of health and happiness was replaced with shame and obesity. I was a life of excuses. I needed a change, a reason to move forward. Every time I made progress, I was reminded how what I used to be was not worthy of my energy. Stop trying already, just enjoy the time you have.
Why is this time different? I guess it boils down to I don’t want to die anymore. I realize I cannot control all of the things in my life, but I can control what I create within my life. I realize I can control my health as opposed to kicking under the carpet and thinking that one day, a genie will come grant me a wish. I realize that be realistic is more proactive. I understand tomorrow may never come so I do the best I can to make today matter. I owe it to myself to move forward since I have spent too many years taking steps back. When I think about cheating, I think of about how many times I have let those I love down by making empty promises. I am tired of spinning my wheels. I am tired of being that disappointment. Every day I commit myself to this protocol knowing that every day that I do make that commitment is one step closer to where I want to be. I will get there. For the first time in a long time, I believe in all of my heart that the finish line exists, that I can see it. I want to live. I will get my life back. There isn’t a vice in the world that will change that.