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another sleepless night

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

tonight at 6:38 pm the police knocked on my door said police search warrant...
The nightmare started. They were looking for Jason...my oldest, the one I have failed...They were here last week asking questions about stolen guns, guns stolen from his former father in law. Problem with that is he was here the entire day they came up missing, I should have known....it wasn't over but just beginning.
Jason just got out of jail for b/e & u/a use of credit card on 11/5/12. He had been in jail for 9 long months. The b/e and u/a were a result of drug addiction. Somewhere down the line he had become addicted. Seems I missed some signs, I wasn't completely blind because I saw some signs as early as 14-15. Tried to get his dad involved, but his dad being his dad, buried his head in the sand and pretended as long as he didn't see the problem it didn't exist. I dealt with it as best I could. Then his dad left in 06 and it was all on me then....Jason turned 18 on April 10 and dropped out of school that day, his senior year, he quit...If I ever had a doubt,I didn't after that day. Jason stole me blind. Stole from his brother, me, his sister, his dad, it didn't matter who it was, he took it. Then when I was diagnosed with cancer and they started me on some pain meds, they started coming up missing. I bought a lock box, it got broken, I locked them in my car, they came up missing, I hid them, they were found...I finally got to where I would leave them at work locked in my desk, he had no access, problem being at 2 am if I needed the I had to get up get dressed drive to work, drive back home...In Sept of 11 he was arrested, not on drug charges but on theft, which I am sure he was high when he took the things...and used the money to buy more. He was put in jail for almost a year. I was so excited for him to be out. Yes he had 10 long years of parole, but I knew it could be done. IF HE WANTED TO...thats where I went wrong...I wanted it, he didn't. He was good for a little while, then I started noticing he was going back to the old friends, old habits. Friday night I called the cops because he took my car to pick up his brother from school and never came home...his brother walked home...He showed up at 10 till 5...another sleepless night. I have had several of those with him you would think I would be used to them.
However, tonight was different. The entire PD showed up at my house, came in with guns drawn, and searched my house. He wasn't here. I was. His brother was. I had to be told that he left my house with a gun (which I don't own) went and put the gun in someone's mouth and threatened to pull the trigger, then robbed the man. I got so sick at my stomach. Here I am not 3 weeks out from surgery, stressed to the max, wanting to throw up...I had a major meltdown. I called his dad and said I was sending my youngest out there until he was in custody. (this alone is a nightmare because of the custody battle) His dad didn't ask questions, because he has written him off. He is no longer his child...he doesn't deal well with public humiliation...like any of us do.... Tyler is safe. Hopefully Tyler is asleep. Me, I don't feel safe and I am not asleep. The police did not find the gun, but they did find ammo for 3 different handguns...(don't have any of those either) So after being here for 3 hours, searching my house, my attic, my office, my shed, my ditch, they left and said call us when he comes home..... REALLY????? And it isn't that I have a problem turning him in, I don't, he is wrong and I won't stand behind that, but I can't very well call them and say he is here come on, with him here...I have seen a look in his eyes that scares me and tells me he can hurt someone. If he has a gun, I wouldn't put it past him to use it (one reason I sent his brother away)
When he was first born I had several sleepless nights, when he was a teenager I had several sleepless nights, when his dad left us I had several sleepless nights, when he dropped out of school his senior year I had several sleepless nights, when he was arrested I had several sleepless nights, now I am back to sleepless nights. I just remember the feeling I had the first night he was home...FINALLY I could sleep, my children were both under my roof, and everything was ok....That feeling is long gone. But right here at the Holidays...it really doesn't make it easy. I was so looking forward to Christmas. Having all my kids, my grandkids, now there will be one missing, and most likely his daughter as well. And that is what I don't understand, she is so worth the effort to change...she is a beautiful almost 4 year old, smart, oh she is smart. She deserves better, so much better. How many more sleepless nights will I have this go round...I am sure more than I can count....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am with Celeste'...parents can't make their kids choose the good and the right and the just way of life. You do your part to give them the tools to live as a responsible adult, but then it is in their court from then on...THEY must make the choices and live with the results.

    I am deeply saddened for you that you are going through such misery. Celeste', is right in saying, also, that there are other children who still need you. Your son won't change until he wants to, and until then, you would do well to get therapy for yourself to help you cope, and protect yourself physically, even if that means locking your son out of your house. People on drugs or loaded with alcohol cannot function with a clear head and do not think about others. They are a terrible danger to those they love just by proximity. You don't want to be the innocent bystander killed by or because of your son. Hope you find relief soon...and better health fast.
    1956 days ago
    I came to your SparkPage to thank you for praying for me during my time of grief, and when I saw your status and this blog title, I read it. Here you are going through so much and YOU'RE praying for ME! So, thank you for praying, and now I will pray for you.

    Oh Father, I just lift up this precious child of yours to You. I ask you to give her the rest she needs, the rest in You. I ask You to protect her physical body. I ask You to protect Tyler as well. And I ask You to intervene in the life of Jason. Father, You are a God of miracles, and I ask for nothing less here. Bring all things to resolution for Your glory! In the name of Jesus, Amen!
    1956 days ago
  • MRE1956
    1956 days ago
    A few years ago, my friend who's son gave her endless troubles, despite doing the very best she could for both her kids. Divorce/death etc do stunt their maturing, but it isn't necessary the parents fault. If it is, we have to fess up and get them help, but if it isn't, then we accept that some kids go wrong. Anyway my friend called her minister to help her and this was his answer and it lived with me ever since as good advice "a) the bible gives parents advice on raising kids, but it gives kids plenty of advice on how to be obedient children and grow into mature adults. b) God who is perfect in everything, had a third of his spirit sons go bad and become demons who followed his other son Satan." We are not perfect, so it can happen to us too.
    I can sympathize with you though not fully, not having been there. But I hope that you survive this, because he is only 1 or many children who still need you. Hopefully he will grow up and mature sometime. Heck judge Mathis did....right there in jail. Hope your son eventually finds the right path to follow. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    1956 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    I agree that you need to get help for yourself. There are more in the family and it cannot be ruined because of his choices. And they are his choices, not yours!

    He had his chance, you gave him a home when he got out and he messed up. NOT YOUR FAULT!

    I hope you have someone to talk to to get you through this. You will get through it!
    1956 days ago
    I am sorry for your situation. I can only imagine the difficult times you have experienced and still will experience. Yet, I have children that I feel have not lived up to the way I wanted for them to be.

    I have a friend that has been where you are. I hear her tell of some of the same experiences and she tells me that the best thing she ever did was counseling for herself. She learned how to not blame herself for her son's mistakes and while she still loves him, at least has a hand in helping her grandchildren grow up while he is in jail.

    I pray you may get the help you need to stay safe during this time of trial with your son.
    1956 days ago
    I really admire your honesty, I don't think you have failed Jason, you sound like a wonderful mother and grandmother who did the best she could. Being a parent is hard!!! Kids don't come with an instruction manual and no one knows what cards they are going to get. We make the best choices we can at the time, its all luck how it turns out really.

    Stay strong, you sound like an incredible woman and I wish you and your family all the best xxx
    1956 days ago
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