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Highly Illogical

Friday, December 07, 2012

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true. " - Mr. Spock

For some perverse reason I FEEL BETTER TODAY.
Why Perverse?

Guilt. I had a semi-binge last night.
I ignore all advice and positive thinking and wallowed in my feeling of self pity.
I watched a period drama, drank wine, ate snacks and huddled under blankets.

The strange thing, is having been naughty, I feel better that it’s over. I knew it was coming, did nothing to stop and feel relieved that it is out of my system. I think that I also feel better that it was not as bad as I feared. I did not go tearing through the kitchen eating everything in sight. Instead I made myself a plate of treats, ate that, got a little more, refilled the wine glass, had a little more. At some point I stopped. I didn’t eat myself sick. There was a lot of calorie damage but not incalculable. It’s made worse by the fact that my back is still recovering and I can’t just go on a burn run tonight.
I am however, feeling well enough to try a mild workout. I just need to remember to listen to my body and if my back starts hurting stop of slow down.

So I do have this Guilt, and yet my attitude is much better today.

Been feeling this week like all I was doing was going through the motions. Several times I almost didn’t other coming on SparkPeople.
I feel like a hypocrite when I spend time here, singing the song but not doing the dance (putting no Real effort into real life.)
I need to remind myself that I need to be here. If I let myself stop then I won’t care anymore, I won’t be accountable, and I will go back to where I was before. AGAIN.
Even when I slip I still need to answer for it.

So I am under no delusion that this difficult period if over yet, that I am back on track. However I am doing my best right now to keep the path in sight. If my efforts are not 100%, well, at least they are better than 0%
After a couple of comments,

I feel I need to clarify here.
I feel better in Spite of the Guilt not Because of it.
The guilt is not weighing me down as much as it sometimes does. That I find to be a good thing because it indicates to me that I am forming better emotional habits.

Maybe some of why I feel better is because I am taking away positive lessons from my failures, and my failures are getting less severe than they used to be.

Sorry if my blogging is confusing. Sometimes I am sorting out my thoughts as I type/write and do not always edit for clarity of meaning.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CARMEN327
    Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break. Sounds like you had a reasonable treat. You deserve it.
    1958 days ago
    I love this post! I think this is what I mean by "non-scale victory". Sometimes things get in the way of changing our bodies the way we want to, but you're making this huge epic change happen right now - you are changing your mind, your heart, your attitude. THAT IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WAISTLINE!

    So yeah, there's still more room to change, but what a huge epic moment to finally stop beating yourself up (or at least not beat yourself up as much) for something!! And of course, I agree with the comment that what you did wasn't that bad anyway, but my opinion on that isn't nearly as awesome as the fact that YOU are thinking that way too!

    Another, slightly less epic win: Using Spock as a guide for a post. My nerd self saw the post title and already heard it in Nemoy's voice in my head. :)
    1963 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/7/2012 5:22:53 PM
  • STODD251
    I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. It sounds like you kept things relatively under control and believe me I understand the desire to cuddle up on the couch, watch a movie and eat some snacks... In fact, that's exactly what I did last night and I do not feel guilty at all. Sparkpeople is all about lifestyle change. To really change your life, you need to make changes that you can live with. For me, saying I will never again sit on the couch watching some sappy Christmas movie and eating snacky foods would be preposterous. I know it would be a lie because I don't want to give that up and I honestly don't think you have to... The problem is when you let that become a lifestyle. If every night, you come home and sit on the couch and eat, then you will have a problem. However if you go out and live an active life most days and you eat generally healthy, you will be healthy for the most part and you will appreciate those occasional splurges even more. Good job keeping things in perspective. Make the best choices you can today, even if working out is not an option, maybe you can make an effort to make healthy food choices. emoticon emoticon
    1964 days ago
    Have edited the entry. The guilt it's self is not making me feel better. It's just that I feel better anyway.

    1964 days ago
    i feel any negative energy turned inwardly such as guilt - does not help. i would change my inner dialogue - which i have worked on for many years. by being a positive influence to myself, learning lessons instead of feeling badly, helps me a lot more than sitting steeped in self loathing.
    every energy or karma level you put out takes something from you- whether it then gives you something positive back is key.
    it is like going on a shopping binge - you bring home a lot of STUFF (even if you can afford it financially) but the let down afterwards DRAINS you and the let down is horrible. that is why so many people hide the items with the tags on and never wear them or use them.
    it has taken me many years of reading and searching and learning - and only recently have i recognized the voids in my life that i was and STILL AM trying to fill.
    if you can start to gradually just forgive your missteps- but learn a positive out of what you did - you will start eliminate things like 'guilt feelings' and replace them with - 'ok i learned a lesson to apply and i am moving on!' all the best BB
    1964 days ago

    IF guilt helps you to feel better, by all means hold and keep close to you.

    Near anything that helps you to feel better and to do better ought be more than OK.

    Best of wishes to you with and on your journey.

    Happy Holidays to you and yours!
    1964 days ago
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