1,000-2,499 SparkPoints 1,024

Why I am ME

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

I've been writing my final paper for my sociology class, (on the handicapped and disabled in society, if anyone's interested) and I started thinking some very heavy thoughts that don't usually pop into my head. And the more I think about it, the more sleepless I feel, so I want to get it off my chest somehow.
My mom is a teacher, she's interested in exactly the same thing that I am: working with children and young adults. The other night she told us about the poster that were put up in the hallway of her school, of a student who had recently come out to his peers. I thought that was very brave of the student to put himself out there, and for the school to be so supportive of him, but the next thing out of my mother's mouth was: "If they can put up a picture of that, then why can't we put up pictures of Christ?"
That was one of those moment where I felt incredulous. My parents are Catholic, and very much so, they go to church, say grace, don't believe in evolution, the whole nine yards. I've struggled with the concept of God since I was a teenager, the idea that someone is controlling my fate, and watching over me. The only thing is, I've never felt a spiritual connection to anything, I've never had a revelation, or the "presence" of God, and, in all honesty, I hate going to Church. I've hated it since I was a kid, it was just two hours worth of bad singing and meaningless messages.
I think the thing that screwed me up the most was the fact that religion is all about the after life, I interpereted that as death. And it made me wonder, why would I want to spend so much time dwelling on what's going to happen to me after I die? I'm 18 years old, I've got so much life ahead of me, and yet my family expects me to pray to a God I don't know is there, speculating on my afterlife.
Now I identify as an Agnostic. I don't know if God is real, and I don't want to know, but there are some things that I can't explain, so I'm not going to be as bold as to say there's no God, but I'm not going to be as bold as to say there is. I want to spend my life focusing on my life, I want to live to each and every extent that I can.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 68ANNE
    You have a conundrum and have written your thoughts quite well.
    As for the other comment, I totally disagree. There are many people whose blogs are about prayer and there are many different religious teams here too. There is nothing wrong with a agnostic point. This is your blog and you are writing very appropriately about YOU.
    PS I am catholic and that doesn't matter at all
    2025 days ago
  • TIG123GER
    I don't really see how a person coming out and a picture of Christ have anything to do with each other. One is a social issue, particularly in today's society of persecution and bullying, and is relevant to the youth in the school to see the bravery that does exist in others. Religion is something totally different and then opens up to every other religion wanted fair play and then what about the people, like you, who don't subscribe to religion at all. I think that church and state need to stay apart, and frankly think that they are too often co-mingled when they shouldn't be. All I would say for you is to just keep an open mind - I believe in God but I often wonder if my efforts are misplaced so I totally understand the doubt you feel. I hope I'm right that He is out there but I am often lacking in the necessary faith to believe.
    2025 days ago
    God and I have at times been on again and off again. Searching and not being sure of the answers is pretty normal for adults just starting out. Going to church is only one part of a spiritual life, though. If you find joy in the beauty of nature, I'd encourage you to look for meaning there, or in the beauty of creative works like literature, music, or visual arts. For me, heaven is a state of mind I can occupy here and now through the love and joy of life itself.
    2025 days ago
    Interesting comment that your mother made. I guess she must feel persecuted as a Christian because of not being allowed to have religion in the school system. I suspect the gay issue just gave her an outlet to vent her frustration. I live in Canada so I am not sure how it works in the US but history shows why we need to separate church from state. Those people who want their children to have a different schooling from the public school send their children to a private school such as a Catholic run school.
    I know many people who have had poor experiences with churches and have written off "God". I encourage you to seek a Power greater than yourself. If you are the centre of your universe, there could be problems. If you hold something such as Good or the Universe or a raindrop to be greater than you, then you are not the most important thing in your world and are less likely to be selfish and self centred. This statement, of course, is my opinion which you can take or leave. It is just to give you something on which to think.
    Good luck on your journey.

    2026 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by MSMAEGHAN