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Friday, November 30, 2012

I've been around, but not terribly vocal on the site of late.
I do want to share some things with you guys.
Bummer event:
My bike got stolen.
Saddest face. I am in the process of trying to figure out what bike to buy next. Since I don't have a car this is a bummer of a time. It's a big, tricky decision that I have a hard time making.

I've been continuing to work out, but really only twice a week, at the ST class. I like it, and I feel like I've been maintiaining pretty well considering the fact that I've been having a lot of fun activities and distractions the last bit.

Also, I've been on the pill form of birth control for the first time, and I'm now at the end of my second month. I honestly have noticed some changes (~2 lbs higher than i was, but that's totally in my normal range of acceptable weight, and I can't totally know it was the pill, considering what I mentioned earlier.) My fear about it making me feel more dramatic or have my moods change haven't really been true, as far as I can tell.

(TMI, my breasts are larger, I think this must be from water retention changes. Anybody have any experience they can share about if this passes with a couple cycles?)

Anyone who has been tuned into my saga for a lil' bit knows I have had my fair share of dating mis haps, and I've shared them here. I've been single for three years. I would say the last two I've been trying to find someone to have a happy, healthy relationship with. It's been rough.

A little over three months ago I met someone, a friend of a friend. I was drawn to him, almost literally, right away. He's sweet, nerdy, funny, cute, hot.... He was also a about a month out of a seven year relationship ( he just turned 27).

So, a pretty big deal. He told me something I had heard oodles of times before: "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now", but, for once, he had a legitimate reason. I knew the timing was really bad, but I felt that he really was over his ex, and it was kind of the timing we had. I decided to just see what happened.

We've had a wonderful last three months. Some things have happened, and we were really there for each other.

The thing I noticed was, even though he stayed true to what he said about not being ready, he was never remote or limiting in terms of his actions or behavior toward me. We hung out all the time, and he was so sweet. Honestly, the best dating I've ever experienced.
The whole time this was scary for me, as well. I FELT happy and comfortable, but what was going to happen? I had the opposite of reason to believe he would ever want to be with me entirely.

We had talks about this periodically the whole time. We were both very honest about how we were feeling, and continued to decide to keep seeing each other, see how it went.

On Thanksgiving night he came over. I didn't mean to bring this up again, or to give him an ultimatum, but the truth was things between us had been growing and changing to the point that something had to give. It was just in the room with us, needing to be addressed.

I really didn't want to, because I really believed to really bring it to a head would be the same as us deciding to end.

But, it felt unavoidable.

I told him how when I met him I knew we had a special thing, but I never would have believed it would be as special as it has turned out to be.

He told me all the same things, about how he just can't be in a relationship again so soon after his whole huge relationship. That he cares so deeply for me, etc, etc. It was very sweet and I was not at all angry, or surprised, but I basically said, at this point, I know there is nothing more I can show or give you that will make you feel differently.

I was okay until I started thinking of the episode of star trek that we had both been looking forward to seeing since we started to watch TNG together, and how it was only a few away, and that we weren't going to get to see it now. This really was about all the potential and things I wanted to share with him and just weren't going to happen now. I cried and he was supportive.

We talked and talked, and he became introspective. He started asking himself, what was it he was really scared of? We really had been being a couple for some time, and he knew it was going to be nothing like his last relationship. He knew all that logically, so where was his fear coming from? It turned into almost a peer counseling session, where he named irrational fears he had based on his parents relationship, and things about his dysfunctional last relationship.

It was like, once he gave a name to those hidden, deepest demons, the lost their power. I though that we were just talking out things for him, to help him process, and that, of course, nothing I could say would change his desires regarding me.

Instead, he said, so why don't we be a couple?

I WANTED to say, YES! and you said it, so you can't take it back!!

Instead, I said, we've just had a REALLY emotional time, and a lot of breakthroughs for you, how about we talk tomorrow and see how you are feeling then.

The next day, it has still stuck. He said he really wanted to be in a relationship with me.

I have a boyfriend!!!!
For the first time in three years! And the second time in my life, really.

Honestly, I know having a boyfriend is NOT what is important in life, lol. But, seriously, I have wanted companionship and a person to be sweet with for a long time. That's all. And the fact that I felt like I kept getting the message back, over and over, that I was awesome at first but never "enough", was hard.

Also, it's freaking NICE, isn't it?? He looks at me and in his eyes I see an amazing me. Honestly, around him I have always felt incredibly myself, but more importantly, like the most awesome version of me. I am funny, beautiful, sexy as hell, smart, outgoing, sweet. All true things, but its kind of an amazing gift to find someone who I can be that way with, and he SEE's it.

Sometimes the way he looks at me and shakes his head, I feel like he is marveling at me.

I don't think I've ever felt more appreciated, and it's a true appreciation, not just based on one or two shallow things. I feel like he really knows me and reality hasn't shaken his impression from "AWESOME".


I have no idea what will happen now. For a while there I kept feeling like he was going to snap out of it and bail. A part of me is scared that still will happen. I'm working hard to keep that insecurity that's coming just from me in check. Its not real, I don't need to give it power.

I don't think a relationship has to last for X time to be a success. What matters to me is that, right now, I'm really happy, and we will see what this experience will be like. He and I will figure it out, together.

And I'm really, really happy about that.

Here are some cute pictures of me and my boyfriend I'm going to share, because, yes, I FRACKING HAVE ONE and I CAN!! :D

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