Turning 35 and reflections on life

Friday, November 30, 2012

This is my first blog ever, and I am writing it because I'm feeling tired and emotional - I figure it's better to write it out than to stuff my face to keep my emotions from spilling out. I'm turning 35 tomorrow, 2012 is almost drawing to a close, and I'm so thankful that this year is over, because it was a tough one. So since it's my birthday, I figured that I'd end my 34th year on Earth with a Pity Party. emoticon

I've been overweight my entire life...I finally took charge of it in 2005/2006, because I was tired of being lonely. I met my husband in 2006, and after our wedding in 2008 my weight began to climb. What I've never confessed to anyone is that a large part of my weight gain comes directly from our attempts to start a family. Every month I would track my cycle, and being so sure that I was pregnant, I would "stop dieting" because it wasn't healthy for the "baby." Or, I would swear that I had pregnancy cravings, so I had to eat whatever junk I wanted at the moment. Of course, I would get my negative test 2 weeks later, and would then overeat as a means of comfort. Since then, we've been seeing specialists and I've gone through the medical ringer with surgeries, etc. Many of these attempts require me to curb my physical activity.

So where are we now? Roughly 60 lbs heavier than I was on my wedding day...going on 4 years trying to start our family, ending 2012 with 2 failed IVF attempts, as well as a failed Frozen Embryo Transfer. And...not losing weight.

**END PITY PARTY** emoticon

I've come to realize that part of my problem is that I am a planner...I had planned to be a mother by the age of 35; I had planned to not gain back the weight that I worked so hard to lose. Well life doesn't always go the way you planned, and there are a lot of things that I have no control over. Like my fertility - I can't control the outcome, but I can take steps to improve my physical health and my mental health, which has been broken over the years. More so, I can control my own actions when it comes to my physical health, and I need to stop making excuses, blaming my other the end of the day it's all on me.

So I'm giving myself a gift this year, on my 35th birthday - I'm giving "me" back to "me" because I've really missed her.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a great birthday gift! I hope 2013 is going well for you. Just know that you are not alone. I also feel like I've losed a part of myself with trying to get pregnant. All the procedures...being a slave to a cycle you can't seem to control. I'm with you, sister. Hang in there. No matter what happens, we will be stronger on the other side.
    1752 days ago
    I read your blog and think how much we are alike when it comes to reaching 35 and not being as healthy as we planned on being. I remember sitting here last year and saying how I wanted to be at goal when I hit 35, as if it was this big magical number.
    I love how you are going to take this year and focus on you, maybe in the long run this is what is in the cards for you and at the end you will be rewarded with that little joy. My prayers are with you!
    1970 days ago
    It's awesome that you are giving yourself as a wonderful birthday gift! You are so worth the effort! I understand how you feel though. I'm 43 years old and had 2 miscarriages! Life is so unpredictable that all we can do is just flow with it! So, keep flowing with it and know all good things will eventually work out!

    Happy Birthday & continue to make it a special year for yourself! emoticon
    2003 days ago
    Your blog made me cry because I'm turning 35 next summer and my goal is to be at my ideal weight by then because I'm tired of being overweight and tired all the time. I've done it and gained it back and done it and gained it back multiples times. This time I've adopted it as a lifestyle and I'm sticking with it, no matter what happens. You are an inspiration to me. Thanks.
    2004 days ago
    Your blog really hit home with me. I also struggled with infertility for a short time and know the heartbreak each month either by starting a cycle or getting a negative pregnancy test. I also am an emotional eater. I turn to food for comfort.... at least, I used to. I'm getting back on track now. You can do it and you will do it! Sometimes we take a few steps forward and one step back. Sometimes we take too many steps back and not enough steps forward. Keep pushing forward. The weight will come off. You will feel like 'you' again. emoticon emoticon
    2004 days ago
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