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My cheeks are rosy

Thursday, November 29, 2012

But that's just because of the wind burn from last night. I had kind of a dumb run yesterday. It was quite pleasant (for winter) during lunch and then turned nasty sometime in the afternoon. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until I was about a kilometer into my run after work and freezing my butt off. I almost turned around early, but I stuck it out and warmed up around the 3k mark (which is, conveniently, the half-way point). Of course, 'warmed up' is relative, since I was apparently a popsicle when I got home. Nick wrapped me up in the duvet like a burrito and broke out the heating pads. -20 windchill is no joke, so I've over packed for tonight's short trip around the block.

Anyway, the depression from the last few weeks is starting to lift, and it feels good. It really helped to be able to identify it this time around. It still exists, but if you can look it in the face and know where the feelings are coming from, it makes it less of a beast. I still have some very mild anxiety symptoms clinging on, which is its own brand of fun. They're like little gnats... I'll start to feel that doom feeling in my chest, like I've done something very, very wrong and it's all going to come crashing in on me. Because it's not too bad right now, all I have to do is chase the gnat until I identify what it's attached itself to, and then swat the little bastard.

The problem with these gnats is that they like to spread out quietly to everything. So, anxiety about election results last week turned into that doom feeling in the gut about anything related to the city or politics (and eventually just a vague, uneasy feeling that's not attached to anything). It was subtle, and as soon as I identified it and reminded myself that there was nothing worth being anxious about, it disappeared. I was nervous about a Christmas present choice, so doom gut was trying to attach itself to anything related to the holiday. And so on. I've been swatting the gnats as they pop up, and so far the only one left is related to my yearly review tomorrow. At least that's something worth being slightly nervous about (I'm sure it'll be fine).

Anyway, gnats aside, I'm in a much better state of mind this week. I took a personal day last friday to just chill (no holiday here, but since we have American offices, it was pretty quiet). Nick and I went to the zoo and spent some quality time watching the red pandas enjoy the snow. I'd been beating myself up for skipping workouts, so on Sunday I went for a fun run - no pressure, no making up the kilometers I missed by being lazy, just getting out and enjoying the sun. I went 12k down my favourite route and even skipped the Starbucks treat I'd promised myself on the way home. I made it just in time to watch my football team run out of steam after a great run and lose the Grey Cup (That's like the Superbowl for the CFL). Ah well.

That run seemed to break through some sort of barrier, because I finally feel like I'm back on my normal fitness track. While I was down, I was still getting 3-4 runs in per week, but they were a struggle. This week I've hit every planned workout easily, and they've felt good.

It's weird... it's a little like returning from an injury. I remember trying to go out when my calf muscle was healing and wondering if running would ever feel normal again. It did, but when you're in the middle of something that's not right, it can be hard to imagine it being right again. The depression had almost the same effect, where I was struggling to run and wondering if I would ever enjoy it again, or if it was time to move onto a new hobby. I've enjoyed it this week, windchill and all, and that's a huge relief.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, once I get my review over with and swat that last gnat. Tomorrow is pay day and my last official student loan payment. We're going out for breakfast on Sunday (I've been craving French toast and fruit like crazy), and then setting up the tree. It'll be a quiet Christmas this year, with Nick working retail, but it's kind of nice to do it that way.

Oh, and more good news - my apartment manager approved the paint chips I gave her! They're a neutral grey, so no easter egg colours (as much as I love strong colour, it's not an appropriate choice for a rental), but I was a little concerned because the one colour is on the dark side. We have a ton of windows in the apartment and the current colour is this awful, dirty looking mushroom soup beige. The medium grey with white trim will work with the finishes I can't change, and will be a nice contrast. My brain hates it when things are visually unbalanced, and right now all the big expanses of colour in my apartment are the same value (if you took a picture in B&W, everything would come out the same shade of grey). Beige walls, beige blinds, beige carpet, beige linoleum, cream coloured couch. There are some darker furniture pieces and some splashes of colour in toss cushions and art, but it's still not balanced yet.

Most of our furniture is a dark black-brown, so the soft medium grey with purple/blue undertones will bridge the whole thing. This will be an interesting exercise for me. Blue isn't my favourite colour (I've been a green person since I could identify colours) so I haven't really worked with it in my personal space before. When Nick and I moved in together, it was his mostly blue and black household with my apple green/chocolate/red/orange household (Don't worry, it worked). What we're developing is kind of a base of blues, softer greens and chocolates with some of my apple greens in there as accents. It's not a usual colour combo (the bright green throws a wrench in things, but it also makes it interesting), so it's hard to find the right pieces, but it's slowly developing. This is what I miss about my old window dressing job - it was fun to give myself a bit of a design puzzle and work it out. I'm glad I can do that a bit in my home now, even if I can't go all the way. What I'd really love is some warm, darker wood on the floor to warm up the cooler colours with natural materials, but that'll have to wait until we own a home. For now, being able to paint is a huge step forward.

But that's enough design geeking out for now. I still have to wait until the new year, and I'm not allowed to go shopping until I reach my savings goal for this project. Still, it's good incentive to get busy (and it'll be something to keep me occupied that doesn't involve food).
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I love the analogy about the gnats - because I get those anxiety feelings, and thinking about them as gnats that I can address one by one and swat away will be very helpful.
    I am so glad that you feel you are on the way up again - keep looking after yourself.
    1970 days ago
    I'm glad you hear you have the anxiety/depression under control and are back in the groove with your runs. I used to live in Michigan and suffered yearly from depression in the winter. Now that I'm further south and the sun shines almost all the time it's cleared up.

    Your paint choice sounds awesome; it should add some balance to all that beige!!

    Have fun this weekend!
    1970 days ago
  • EWL978 have an awful lot on your plate, don't you?? No wonder the bugs are out to get you! emoticon

    Good luck with the review and keep on keeping on!! emoticon
    1970 days ago
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