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Frustrated at the WORLD! (Beware not a nice blog)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

For the past 3-4 weeks it feels like all I've been doing is crying. Being sick and going through treatment, then adding school and trying to get through assignments and tests, and just plain "living my life" is awful.

"I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare; I'm just a kid and I know that it's not fair" (THANK YOU SIMPLE PLAN). My life is f***ed up. I don't have a life anymore; hospital; treatments; injections. Though school is hell right now especially as I only have 2 weeks left of the semester. However, right now it is my own bright spot. I couldn't go swimming this summer; my horseback riding lessons are out, everything that gives me pleasure is out. FML

I'm crying as I write this; I just can't keep it in any longer. Thankfully all of my teachers at school are supportive and understanding as I miss class every 2nd week. That helps.

However, does anyone listen to me? Ask me what I want? NO! I can't stand my doctor; she doesn't seem to care instead just going and doing her job without an ounce of compassion. Sadly I'm back into that dark place I first inhabited back in 2005 after my gradma died; self injury. I hate myself for being back there. I thought once I left that place I'd never go back. But it's one thing that helps. The blood that comes forth; is the inner pain leaving.

Why me? After everything I've gone through in my life- being born premature and having epilesy as a child. multiple surgeries, bullying etc, why do I have to go through this too? What did I do to anger the universe?

*Sigh* I just had to get all that out there. Not exactly feeling better but at least it's out. Thanks for listening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I hope you felt better after writing this blog. I wish you all the best in your trials and tribulations and I'm sure these have enabled you to bethe adult person you are. Prayer is a great way too in saying that blogs like this are like a prayer at least that's the way I see it. Have faith that all is and will be well for you in now and in the future.
    1977 days ago
    I know what you feel I have been there myself so many times. I have gone through countless tests to find that they still didn't know what is wrong with me. I am going to tell you that self injury will not help matters any since you pile on guilt on top of what you are going through. I know it seems hard if you feel your doctor won't listen to you then switch is my advice. I switched providers and have been happy ever since. This year I had to see a doctor since I couldn't swallow with out difficulty. I had abdominal pain and didn't know why. I was like you frustrated but what helped me is the fact I am a Christian and I clung tightly to God through it all. Running-life if you need a listening ear I am ready and willing to let you sound off to me. I know you feel like nothing is going right well I have been there! Believe me on this I know all about it. Last year I didn't know why I was in pain in the same area and had to go to another surgeon completely just to find out that it was my gall bladder and I had a gall stone. By the way I am also a college student as well and I seen one doc so much I am tired of him and don't want to see him again ever but doubtful that I will get that big of a break there. Please spark mail me and I will be glad to listen.
    1999 days ago
    MaidaMontreal: FML = F*** my life lol
    1999 days ago
    What is FML?
    1999 days ago
    It's good that you are getting it out in a blog. I am sorry you have to go through this and that life has been tough on you. I hope that once the treatments are done you will be in better health and can move on from there. I do hope that 2013 will be a better and healthier year for you and I hope that we can meet in person some day.
    1999 days ago
  • OPTIMIST1948
    I can imagine with everythign that is going on FML is a very understandable reaction. But Self Harm is NOT a solution. You need to go to the campus clinic and either find a therapist or talk to your oncologist/bitch about your mental status and get some help thru that avenue. Considering everything that is going on, these feelings make sense, but that doesnt make them any easier. You need help - PROFESSIONAL help. We here in SP Cyberspace are always **ALWAYS** here for you -- but there are limits to what we can do other than listen and be shoulders.
    2000 days ago
    I get what you mean about your life right now. I too sometimes feel my life is now a disease and a treatment. Having to go to the General each day for radiation treatment, I basically don't do much else than get there, get the treatment and come back.
    Have you consider the help you can get at Cedar? From all the pamphlet I got it seams there are people there to help you.

    I haven't even asked the "why me?" question. Maybe because I don't want an answer. All I know is that we both will get thru this and be stronger because of it.

    Hang in there my friend! treatments are almost over for you!

    buzz me anytime you need to talk
    2000 days ago
    It does get better. Talking about it helps. emoticon
    2002 days ago
    You have been through a lot and I hope things get better. GET HELP if you need it and we're here for you.
    2003 days ago
    Feel free to vent anytime.

    2003 days ago
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