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emotional grab bag

Sunday, November 25, 2012

this has been my longest streak of abstinence on an outpatient basis (meaning only seeing a therapist and not actually in some form of program) from purging. Today is day 35 I think.....maybe 28...not entirely sure. regardless I've never made it this far before and I'm getting close to having the longest streak ever since my relapse in 2010. longest I've ever made it was 42 days and 28 of that was in residential treatment.

today has been a really tough day. had a situation that happened over Thanksgiving that has stirred up some issues for me and I'm really struggling to keep it together. having a hard time with urges to purge and urges for other things. one of the main things that is keeping me from purging right now is that I don't want to "throw away" this abstinent streak and have to start over at day one again. Plus, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't allow myself to have purging as an option anymore and I'm really trying to hold to that. I mean heck, I didn't purge AT ALL on Thanksgiving!!! That's huge because it's first time I've done it in several years.

spent some extra time with my coach this afternoon because the urges were so intense. I didn't specify which urges but she told me to come on over and that she was just cleaning and listening to christmas music. So I went over and studied for my final that's on Tuesday and listened to Christmas music with her. We didn't really talk much about what's going on. I did ask her to check in on me later this evening and she did. When I told her the specifics of which urges I'm struggling with she suggested that I go to bed. Only problem is that I'm not tired at all and so i took my anxiety meds hoping that they would help me get to sleep. did this 2.5 hours ago and so far they haven't kicked in. oh well.

these are the feelings that are causing my urges.....I'm just an emotional grab bag!!!
anxiety, overwhelmed, fear, resentment, sadness, anger, and a few other words that are kinda repeats of the above. The first 3 are the dominant emotions and they are completely overwhelming and all encompassing.
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