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Cont... From My Marriage Or Divorce Blog

Friday, November 23, 2012

This will not make any sense to you if you have not read the original blog at:

I held off posting a update for a few reasons. 1. I was waiting until we had another therapy appt (which we did & I will share how that went).
2. My Dr thought I had a heart attack, so I had to get tests done & I was a tad busy dealing with that ;)
3. I really did not want to infringe on anyone with all this negative stuff right before Thanksgiving.

So we had the team meeting, the heart tests are done & Turkey day is over, so I will now cont....

Team meeting - went very bad! But not the way I feared it would. I was worried he would get super upset & maybe not return and/or he would turn home life into an even more battle ground. None of those things happened.
Instead the team explained to me that this was all a part of his mental health & picks issues. They went on to say (despite my mouth hanging wide open) that I needed to be have patience's. They told me that he will go in cycles of doing better then going back, doing worse then a little better, then going back and so on. Actually gave me paperwork with circles on to show me the process. He sat there all smug! I kept trying to explain that this was all incorrect as he had not been honest with them, but then I was told I needed to stop denying what was really happening and give him room.
GRRRRRRRR!!!!! I gave them the example of him cooking a meal for himself, not offering me 1 bite, eating it in front of me while I was in the same room doing HIS chores, having already put in a 12 hr day and still had many more hrs to go. I gave them the example of - how he will not pick up after himself, and how he won't give me the time I NEED to take my PC classes & do my computer work. It always came back to his issues. So now he feels TOTALLY justified in ALL that he does - does not do.
SO that idea did not go well :(

Heart Attack - I thought I had the flue. Sweating, chills, throwing up etc. I got this horrible jaw pain that I assume was due to throwing up. Like maybe I dislocated my jaw or something. I put ice packs on it & it still remained. When I seen my Dr my BP was like 160/120 so he thought I had a HA. I don't have the official results back (I did the tests on Weds) but am assuming I am good. They said my Dr would call me Mon or Tuesday unless their Dr seen something really serious. Then she would call me that day. I did not get any calls. But they did say that I at least need to go on BP meds (great!).

Ok so here is where I am - I'm not leaving him. I'm just not. So I need to find ways to not get so upset so often. I am sure that is what is behind the BP issue. I never had high BP - I was always like 100/70.
Plus I don't want to live my life angry. I am hurt, I am lonely but I can handle those emotions and know different ways to deal with them.
It's the anger that is getting to me.

Today was a very busy day as it is for most women in this country on Thanksgiving Day ;) It was a extra challenging day for me as of my spine injury & the pain this type of work brings. Every single room I went into today (while working on the food prep) greeted me with a mess made by him. Time & time again - all day long. He laid in bed when he was not messing things up. So all day I was upset.
I can not keep going like this! This is how it goes every day!

Side note* I don't think I shared this before. I do believe that he does things on purpose so I get mad. He gets me mad, I yell, then he plays victim. He ADORES being a victim!! Seriously.

I do keep my mouth shut at least 95% of the time but so as not to fuel it. But inside I am quite upset.

So the advice, tips etc., I am seeking are ways to not get upset.

I am DONE trying to "change" him, get him to see things differently, get him to view me differently.

It is time to move forward!!

So with all due respect, I ask that you please please please don't offer ideas of how to deal with him.

I am a spiritually person, and I pray, I pray & I pray lol I believe in thinking positively, (I know these blogs don't show it right now) I believe in being grateful.

I burn sage (it makes me feel better to take a action to clean out negative energy). I open windows & doors to let in fresh air as much as possible. I listen to my ipod with upbeat music (just a FYI - that drives him nuts! I am not allowed to play my music loud so I got a ipod. But when he sees me with the ear buds in he finds a million things he has to tell me NOW every few minutes). I read uplifting, inspiring and such articles.

But every time I walk into a room & find he left dirty dishes lay there for me I lose all that I gained! Every time I struggle to get in the door with a load of grocery or stuff & he lays on the couch and won't get up to help, etc etc I lose all that I gained :(

So I really need ideas on how to stop having a knee jerk reaction of being angry.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DS9KIE
    you deserve emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1975 days ago
    DD was married to a passive agressive moocher for years. What a frustration.

    She is an artist and found solace in doing her hobby sometimes.
    1977 days ago
    I struggle similarly to remember that I need to change ME - and he is not on my "to fix" list. Not saying our husbands are the same - they're not at all, but I do a lot of trying to get him to see things my way, etc. etc.

    So, if as time goes on you are able to come up with ways in which you will work on you and not him, I'll be very interested in learning from you.

    In the meantime, emoticon and I hope your health improves and all goes well in your world.
    1977 days ago
    Sending you emoticon
    1978 days ago
    emoticon Hope you are doing well today! Concentrate on you, it's the only thing you can change. Have a great day! emoticon
    1978 days ago
    I'm still with you! Am amazed that you are surviving. I was a psych nurse for over 25 years and saw the same manipulation from 'pitiful' patients who knew Exactly how to push buttons and use their 'illness' as a way to torment everyone around them. I'm sorry you're going through this...hang in there!
    1978 days ago
    Girl - I am sending you BIG hugs! WHAT a time you had :-(

    Using aromatherapy can help a lot with relaxation - lavender oil is good. Try some in a bath, or put a drop on a hanky and sniff it now and again. Put a drop on your pillow for a more peaceful sleep. Make up a massage oil by mixing a total of eight drops of lavender, neroli and/or ylang/ylang oil into ONE tablespoon of sweet almond or grapeseed oil.

    Have Herbal Teas on hand - Chamomile, valerian, lime flower or lemon balm are all good, BUT CHECK WITH YOUR DR FIRST because you have medical conditions and possibly more that could mean they aren't safe.

    Meditation, Yoga and Prayer are all good as is learning good breathing exercises.

    Obviously one of the main stress-management strategies is learning to accept that you can only change or control your own behavior, and hopefully resisting negative thinking comes into that, too.

    Listen to your OWN needs.

    When you realize that you have handled a situation particularly well, acknowledge it and give yourself a big pat on the back for a job well done!

    Accept that you will make mistakes, and it isn't a biggie if you do.

    And finally, give yourself permission to take some YOU time.

    BIG hugs,
    Kris xxx
    1979 days ago
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