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I brought my sexy back!

Monday, November 19, 2012

It was late Saturday night and just hours before I had been sitting on the couch ready to fall asleep, watching a movie in my sweatpants. My sister invited me over to watch the fight and I figured why the heck not. On the way home from her house, a good friend of mine asked me to meet him at a bar near my house. We've been good friends since high school and still see each other frequently. We never, ever have a bad time, even if it's just us two. Still wearing sweatpants, hair all crazy, I rushed home to change. I spent a total of 10 minutes getting ready but when I looked in the mirror I felt great. I looked great. I was glowing. I just felt happier than I had in a long time.

The best part was that I wasn't even worried about seeing my ex with cheater girl. It was not too long ago that I wouldn't even go out near my home because I was terrified to see him. For the first time since we broke-up, I didn't really care. I knew it wouldn't bother me anymore. I didn't even look for her truck in the parking lot when I got to the bar. When I saw my friend, he was so happy to see me. I could feel men looking at me as a I walked by. It made me nervous at first because for the past six months, I've done everything to hide from and be invisible to the opposite sex. But I just relaxed and let it all happen. I felt at peace, at ease and 100 percent comfortable in my own skin. This made me immensely happy because I felt like all the hard work I have been doing inside myself was finally shining through. And all of sudden I just felt sexy. I felt desirable. I felt like a woman again. That must have come across because two men asked for my phone number Saturday night. lol.

I had totally lost touch with that part of myself in my past relationship. First, because I gained weight. Second, because my ex made comments about my looks, saying men would only ever want me for sex and never a relationship because I'm sexy and not the girl next door. (He of course cast himself in the role of the one nice guy who was seeing past that and taking me seriously.) He often implied I was a slut too because I have a lot of male friends and a less than virgin past. His first thing to say when we fought was "Why don't you just go (bleep) someone else. That's probably what you are going to do anyway." I never cheated on him. Ever. I was faithful in every sense of the word. I didn't even flirt with other men.

After he cheated, I just really shut that part of myself down. Just stuffed her away and tried to be plain so I could be taken seriously. But, as many of you are probably saying in your head right now, that was stupid. She would not die and refused to be forgotten. She wanted out because she is me. That's who I am. I can't help it. I've always been a woman comfortable with that part of herself. I've always felt like as a woman I could be smart, fun, loyal, loving AND sexy. That they are all important for a healthy and happy life. I see now that my ex was projecting his own insecurities onto me.

I just feel like something has shifted in me. I don't know how or why or even when. All I know is the past few weeks I've noticed I'm no longer angry and hating the world. I've stopped fantasizing about a bus running over my ex and my money problems now seem manageable. Maybe it was finally seeing my ex with cheater girl, forcing me to face my worst fear. Maybe it was reaching rock bottom and coming up with a plan to claw my way back up. Maybe it was giving myself permission to quit this journey and realizing I didn't want or need to do that.

All I know is that not one time since the break up and the three months before that have I felt sexy or even attractive. I haven't had many positive thoughts about myself overall. I mean people have told me I'm great and how losing weight was a big deal or I'm a good mom or I did a great job at work. It wasn't that I thought all these people were lying, I just didn't believe it meant I was worth anything because frankly I felt like nothing. Cheating will do that to a person no matter how much self esteem you had at the start.

And now here I am feeling better than I ever have in my life. I'm pretty sure I never would have turned this corner if I hadn't committed myself to living a healthier life. I'm finally seeing the benefits and it's not just physical. It's internal. Somehow those hours of exercise train not only your body, but your mind. I'm so thankful for this turn of events. So relieved. You guys have all been a big part of that. Thanks for cheering me on and hopefully sticking around as I continue along.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can relate to this so much! I have always felt sexy and now I don't. I look forward to feeling how you feel NOW. I'm so glad you allowed that part of yourself to come out again. Congrats!
    2310 days ago
    So happy for you Laney!! You have turned the corner- I just felt it would happen since you seemed so determined and wasn't giving up. Yes, your ex was projecting his own insecurities onto you in my opinion. Glad he is finally not affecting you and out of your life. You don't deserve that! It's too bad he made you feel that way-don't worry you were only feeling hurt and that is a human reaction.
    Proud that you have kept active with us here at SP! Reading this helps us feel inspired knowing you are succeeding and even if you have bad days, we will still be here for you. Because it isn't easy, but when you feel great like that (and exercise does play a big role in that) it is all worth it!! You are looking great-keep it up!! Mr. Right is just around the corner! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2313 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/24/2012 1:00:07 AM
    Yep, it's all in how you perceive yourself. You sound really good and it's obviously starting to show. I'm glad you realize that all of the stuff your ex said to you was all about his insecurities and had nothing to do with you. Feeling sexy and looking sexy doesn't mean that you are slutty or sleazy! I think you look fantastic! Being sexy is about more than what you look like. Your inner beauty is shining through and that is sexy! You feel good about yourself and it's apparent! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2315 days ago
    I am so happy to hear all the positive things that are coming from you! A few blogs ago you were not doing so well (which is understandable), but you have had a huge break through! You look amazing and your attitude is so positive and uplifting! You are finding you again and that is an awesome thing! Great Blog and keep up this awesomeness!
    2316 days ago
    Most things do not work until "You" decide to believe in them. I have the same problem. It takes a new mindset and attitude adjustment about yourself. You self-esteem took a shot with the break-up . You have had time to re-adjust and focus on your feelings. It is more than simple weight loss,yeah,like that is a simple thing. It is just one part of the thing that will make you feel better about yourself.
    You need to really look at who you are .Are you a bad person? A cheating lying deceiving person? A person who cannot make commitments and stick to them? If there are good qualities and you answer yes to them,then you have your answer and need to change how you think about yourself.
    So bring sexy back and keep it there. It is okay. It is not slutty or sleazy. It is a feeling of complete confidence in your sexuality.Simple.' Nice guy" looking past your WHAT! Like he is doing you a favor? Lucky you did not set his pants on fire with him in them.

    By the way,love the new pic. I don't think sexy has left you at all.
    2316 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/20/2012 6:12:03 PM
    The biggest, most important changes ARE the ones that happen inside. I'm so glad you are seeing the results of all that "internal" work!!!
    2316 days ago
    Fantastic blog! I'm so happy for you that you've found yourself again. There are a gazillion men out there, and the right one will find you soon enough.
    2317 days ago
    Awesome blog, that's the best thing you can do for yourself!! Get out there and be the sexy girl you know you are with no guilt!! You deserve to be happy!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2317 days ago
    You go, Grrl!
    2317 days ago
    Yeay!!! so happy to hear this... you are so much more than that douche ever gave you credit for

    we must go be sexy together somewhere soon :)

    2317 days ago
    It's soo good to hear that you are feeling better about yourself!! It is an amazing feeling when you now only know you look great but you feel amazing as well. :)
    2317 days ago
    SO happy for you that you feel you've "turned the corner" and the best is yet to come! emoticon
    2317 days ago
    Isn't it great when you begin to reap the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle -- it truly does pervade your whole life! Glad you brought your sexy back!
    2317 days ago
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