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Working on the Struggle

Monday, November 19, 2012

Hard to lose and easy to gain.

Story of a good percentage of our lives!

So no, this isn't a pity party or a complaint blog. Well, I mean, I had the pity party (I set a timer for myself and let myself have x amount of time, then I move on) and I have the complaints. But this blog is more an exploratory what I need to do next based on the complaints.

I continue to struggle with some massive insecurity issues from years ago that were heavily revisited with the ex (along with a gain of new ones) and they just keep popping back up.

I have a tendency to "face" them for a short time, but don't really seem to be actually dealing with them in a way that has a lasting effect.

Upshot is? As arrogant as I can be, I'm really pretty insecure. I'm really good at putting on the confident face, but let's get real... I'm not. I have moments where I feel great and all, but generally speaking, I'm pretty insecure and I beat myself up. I have rarely, if ever, admitted to being overall insecure, so maybe that's a start. I have, on numerous occasions, admitted I'm terrible to myself. And I am. I set horribly high expectations that are literally impossible to meet. I'm not saying I shouldn't set limits high, but these are... Freaking Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Jesus, couldn't reach them type.

And I tend to take things kind of personally these days. Perfect example is last night. I was "with" a guy and we were chilling a bit post chitty chitty bang bang. He showed me a pic he'd posted on facebook (no, we aren't friends on there) and then showed me a post from a friend who has a boyfriend... He mentioned that this friend had wanted a good guy and managed to find one, even with insecurities. He mentioned that while she's a little heavyset, it's not like she's not a cool girl.

One that brought back memories of when the emotionally abusive ex called an ex of his a cow and she was skinnier than me, so hello direct correlation of I was too fat for him, so hi connecting insecurities. And two... Yeah, this chick, at least based on a few pictures, was taller and skinnier. And yea. I took that personally. I didn't say anything. This isn't "that" type of relationship. But it did make me feel like crap. And so I still struggle to not take things personally, because honestly, he probably didn't even think about who he might be talking to or how I might feel about that.

So I'm not sure what I need to do about all of these insecurities to be honest. I'm not sure if there are guiding questions I can answer through personal or on here blogging, or if I just write when I feel the need, or talk it out... Money is still just not really there for the therapy option, so this continues to be a I need to work through this on my own.

So I'm trying to think of options of what I can and am able to do to work on some of these issues, so I don't keep doing the fall back of horrible habits and continuous feeling bad about myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great advice and I am with them ! Insecurities with age, uhm, uhm clearing out throat...*lol* essentially for myself affirmation came with this way of thinking: " No I don't want this anymore" don't settle for anything. You deserve more and will get better. emoticon
    2032 days ago
    Ditto Pam. It takes years to get past those insecurities. And for me, it took a lot of being alone and learning exactly who I am and learning to appreciate the good things about myself. I had to make a conscious effort to stay away from people who tore me down, even if they didn't mean to. That included my own family for a while. Once I did that, I was able to at least not hate the things I didn't like about myself. And from that, gradually, comes a true change in outlook. If enough time passes, you kind of wake up one day and realize you just feel different, even if you didn't really notice the change. And then it becomes habit to block those comments that previously would have set you back. It isn't easy, but you already know that. Gotta just keep hanging in there. emoticon
    2033 days ago
    Keep on keeping on, sister. That's the only advice I have. As the years pass and you treat yourself well, the insecurities begin to fade away. Just stay away from abusive men. They can really set you back.

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    2035 days ago
    One of my favourte concepts I learned from Gestalt is the Zeigarnick effect. Things that are not closed, drain a lot of energy, just because they are open. Now I focus often to properly close, once I even made a list of "things to close".


    I wish you courage to close those things that you wish to close - so you are free for the future!
    2036 days ago
    Keep pushing on! You're a strong,smart, beautiful woman. Don't let insecurities have you missing out on the good parts of life. It's easier said than done, but very worth it. emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
  • BLOSSOM2344
    Talking things out with yourself is always a good idea!
    Spark does seem to have quite a few articles on self esteem if you type that into the search box, that's at least a place to start. Building up self esteem doesn't happen automatically with loosing weight, it's a whole separate kind of exercise routine. You have to change the way you talk to yourself, keep the voice inside on a positive spin, and remind yourself daily that you have value as a person. Once it becomes routine you will find yourself caring less and less what others think of how you look, and more about who YOU think you are on the inside! emoticon
    2037 days ago
  • MARTY728
    We all must learn to let go and not let the past dictate how we see the future. I know it is tough! However, it can be done. Any changes you do, doing it for you always seem to work best. That always seems to work best for me.

    I have probably shared with you before that I believe Mark Twain had it right when he said, "The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up".

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
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