Today is hard.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Eight years ago today, I lost one of my best friends. He was killed in a horrible car accident. He died because he wrapped himself around the 13 year old girl sitting next to him. Tim didn't always make the best choices. Actually, he tended to make the worst choices possible. That's why he was where he was when he died. But he had such a big heart and he was so loyal, even when the person wasn't as loyal to him. He always had a hard time saying no.
I wonder, perhaps more than I should after eight years, where he would be if he had lived. See he was trying to do the right thing for himself and his kids. He was trying to start over. He wanted a divorce from someone who brought him down. Someone that pushed him into selling drugs instead of having a real job because that meant she always had access to them. He was supposed to start back at his old job on Monday. Instead we had his viewing. He wanted to get his life together to fight for custody of his daughter. Instead, he missed seeing her first birthday by 13 days. In my head, he accomplishes his goals and he meets someone that deserves him. He goes on to have the life that he should have had. And he is still here. Able to see me happy with my husband. Able to see my girls.
But the reality is he is gone. It's a harsh reality that I face every November 19th. It" the one day of the year when all the good memories of Tim are overshadowed by the bad. Even after all this time I can still remember that night perfectly. I worked second shift at kohl's warehouse. I had an off feeling all day. I knew something was wrong somewhere. When I got off, one of the girls from our trailer park was picking up her mom. Lamanda wouldn't look at me when she usually waved. Even in the dark I could tell she was pale. On the short drive home I was really uneasy. I pulled into the park and didn't see my car. I was driving my mom's and my boyfriend (Tim's brother James) had mine. Waiting on the steps was our friend Chad and our neighbor Tiffany. The look on Chad's face. I knew something was wrong. My immediate thought was James. They made me come inside and sit down. Chad assured me James was ok. Then he choked out Tim...car accident...Sarah he..he...he's gone. Then Chad broke down. For a sliver of a moment I was relieved. James was ok. But then his words hit me. It was Tim. I went numb. I was numb for the next week. I remember holding James when he woke up in the middle of the night crying. I held their sister's hand when she camped out in our living room until the funeral. I hugged his widow and put out of my mind how much I hated her. I got everyone anything they needed. But I was on autopilot. When I came to, I was different. I was angry. I put on a smile and dealt with the day to day. But my soul was angry. It was a long time before I let that anger go. When I did it was replaced by sadness. I still feel that. They say that time heals all wounds. It doesn't. It changes the wounds so the aren't as fresh. So they are easier to bare. But some wounds will never heal. Not really.