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I got to sleep in!!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

For the 1st Saturday in 9 long months I got to sleep in this morning!! I had forgotten to shut my window last night so there was a slight chill in my room even tho my oxygen concentrator was putting off heat...I rolled over and realized I had slept till 7:30!!! I haven't slept that late of a Saturday in 9 months!!!

I used to have to get up earlier on Saturday than I did M-F to get up make a 45 minute drive, see my son for 15 minutes behind a glass and only talk to him over a phone, then drive 45 min back home. His visits were scheduled for 7 am. It was so good to to know that when I rolled over and saw the clock I knew I wasn't gonna miss seeing him today, he was sound asleep and safe in the next room.

For people that have never had to experience a child in jail...& I hope you never do, it is a God awful experience. You worry every single minute they are there. You never know what is happening to them. You don't know if they are being beat by other inmates, and when I say beat, it is with bars of soap in a laundry bag so they won't show bruises, you worry when yours takes a shower if he will be ok, you worry if he is eating, you worry if he is in a cell with someone that has killed, mine was...you worry about how you are going to afford to go see him, then how you are going to afford to put money on his books so he can have what he needs for the week...because you can't bring him shampoo, soap, towels, toothpaste, razors, toilet paper, they have to order it and if you don't put money on their books they do with out... And the worry is never ending. You know when they have someone in the cell that has killed before that person has nothing to lose if they kill again...

I knew I was getting sicker and finally had to tell mine I was sick, but I withheld a lot of the information from him because he had to worry about staying safe and staying away from people that would hurt him just because of who he was and because he was white...When I had to tell him I had been put of 02 I saw him cry. Broke my heart. I told him a couple of weeks later about the cpap...but I waited till the day he came home to be able to tell him they will take my spleen out when they do the band. I didn't want him to worry....In 9 months I went every saturday without fail...I got there 1 time and they told me I couldn't see him, I left in tears. Those 15 minutes kept me going. His father never once went to see him. Never put any money of his books, hasn't called him since he has been out. I couldn't do that. I couldn't disown my child because yes what he did was wrong, but I felt he was paying for it in ways we would never understand and he will be paying for it for the rest of his life. He won't be able to get a good job, he is on probatation for 10 years has fines to pay totaling thousands of dollars, and then there is always the the threat of going back if he messes up. He hasn't seen his daughter in almost a year...he has paid....

But for this morning I was just grateful I got to sleep in....I knew he was safe, I knew he was home....
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