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Day 274 Challenging disordered eating - Growing my own resilience.

Friday, November 16, 2012

My mother, when young, was an anorexic sufferer, and while recovered from the eating behaviour that almost killed her, never really addressed the psychological stuff around food/body etc.

Acknowledging this isn't playing the blame-game; it's setting the stage for my entrance into life and how I learned to cope with its ups and downs.

Food. It was my survival, but it became a tool not for fuel but for comfort, for defence, for managing the world around me. I understand now that I never really knew it any other way.

My earlier memories with food aren't ones of gorging myself (they came later) but of the incredibly tortuous anxiety that I won't get enough. That I won't survive if I don't get enough...

I became a binge-eater and later on a bulemic, and probably from my tweens ate over 4 times my daily caloric needs, on a GOOD day. Fortunately I was also very active, so although 'overweight' for my age/size, I wasn't in the obese range til my late teens.

That's all the history lesson you are getting for now. What I wanted to emphasise is that I never learned or practised healthy mental/social skills of managing emotions and thoughts, or of life situations.

So I learned to trust - not myself, but FOOD to cope with these things. Now food is a destructive element in my life. I need to change that around. This is not a matter of will-powered big-rules dieting. And it's not about weight loss. Like weight gain, weight loss is a consequence of my thoughts and behaviours not just around food, but of all life's ups and downs.

This is where for me, the journey to a healthy eating habit really begins. Managing life and practising resilience. Learning to trust myself that I can survive life through skills that don't involve a skillet.

Learning to trust myself.

Learning new skills.

Growing resilience.

Being true to myself and respecting myself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    "Like weight gain, weight loss is a consequence of my thoughts and behaviours not just around food, but of all life's ups and downs."--SUNPANTHER

    Hey mama! Just posted your quote on my status because it completely resonates with me!

    Thanks so much for being completely transparent, while finding grace and strength to share your weaknesses with us! No turning back now! XOXO emoticon
    2001 days ago
    ☺-:¦:-☺ SPARK 'n SHINE ☺-:¦:-☺ It is amazing how SPARK provides such an outlet for us to share our most deepest thoughts/worries/philosophies regarding our weight loss journey. You have confronted some haunting issues. Face them and keep moving onward to your goals! I believe in you---my LEMON friend!
    2009 days ago
    Yes, somehow we have ingrained into us the"scarcity mentality" rather than the one of "abundance". Comparison are rampant in our society. I am prettier, better, smarter, etc. than someone else. We try to build ourselves up at the expense of another person. The God of Life is one of abundance. There is always enough for everyone. I wish everyone "enough" of whatever it is that you need today.
    2009 days ago
    Wishing you strength. You are amazing, and brave.
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    2011 days ago
  • SHOES17
    A very brave Blog. You have definitely help inspire my next blog. However, please know you inspire me everyday. I have learned so much from you. I never understood how people in different parts of the world celebrate and experience seasons at different times. I have to ask about Christmas and Thanksgiving. Do you like celebrate them during the summer? It would certainly help me understand how Santa travel works. Although I believe that in order to believe in Santa one simply has to have faith and believe in the importance of giving and receiving. I definitely have to research this more! It is sort of like this tv commercial that focus of things we learn in life. The theme is the more you know. The Disney Channel here also has a series called "Pass the Plate" I love it because it talks about food around the world!
    emoticon You are not alone. We all could learn more about how food is impacted my emotions.
    2011 days ago
    even though I have not suffered what you have had, I have always used food for a emotional crutch. We do need to trust ourselves, to learn to love ourselves.
    emoticon emoticon
    2012 days ago
    Wow! That is amazing. My daughter struggles with bulimia and anxiety. It's a very difficult road! I wish you much success!

    2012 days ago
    Beautifully written. From an early age, I too always feared I wouldn't have enough, which ultimately led to binge eating. I don't know why, because I always did have enough.
    2012 days ago
  • MIRAGE727
    Very strong! Wishing you best in focus & strength!
    2012 days ago
  • DALID414
    2012 days ago
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