missing...

Never in my lifetime did I imagine I would lose so much in such a short amount of time. I lost my husband, father, best friend, a child that I had been around as much as his own parents, a job all in just a few short months of each other...in some cases only weeks and days....

Out of all that I lost, I miss my dad the most. Then Cheryl, then Justin...somehow I don't miss the ex... I can't help but believe that Dad, Cheryl and Justin would be so proud of the changes I am making. It isn't easy. After several days of just liquid, I am wanting food, but can hear all 3 of them....what doesn't kill ya will make ya stronger....for 2 of them they always said it.

The holidays are coming up....I HATE the holidays....I used to love them, but now not so much. As a single mom, it is tough to scrape up enough to get the teens what they want...the grandkids are getting older and I can't make them happy with just colors and coloring books any longer...I am missing the good ol days when I could buy for everyone and everyone got exactly what they wanted. I am missing the days that we all got together and had days of fun. We would play games, eat, play more games, watch a movie, eat, sneak off to put Santa together, come back go drive around and look at all the lights, end up at the house putting out reindeer food at Christmas... Now it is missing. The kids are too grown to want to play games, and they aren't all there anyways...they are pulled in so many directions. I try not to demand my time, I know they have inlaws and their dad, so if they want to stop by, I am there, but if not...I miss the illusion of Santa. I miss the shopping, I miss the anticapation, I miss the times we had... Now with that being said, I don't miss the ex, I do miss the extra money he provided, I do miss us being a family, but I know I can have my time w/the kids, but it is just different....something is missing....maybe what is missing is that they are grown now. They have families of their own, kids of their own...my youngest is 16 & thinks he is grown....thinks I can magically make a truck appear for Christmas....gonna disappoint him big this year!! He will be lucky to get much at all...I will have surgery on the 29th and my boss told me yesterday she isn't going to pay me while I am off...even tho I am eligable for extended sick...I guess I should just be grateful for a job in this economy. And my town and state is going down quick....

I miss the papermill that used to be here, I miss the people that left with it. I miss the defense plants that have closed and the people they took with them, I miss my kids being little, I miss my Dad, I miss Justin & today I miss Cheryl, it is her birthday....I really do miss them...I know each is with me in some sort of way, but today it seems like each of them are far, far away....