The Voices Within
Thursday, November 15, 2012
This venture into intuitive eating for me has been a heck of an emotional one. It has hit me one thing right after the other. It seems that just as soon as I come to terms and acknowledge one issue, I am on to the next.
Admitting fully my issues with exercise was a hard one for me because of various reasons. That was a hard blog for me to write. I put myself out there and opened up the door for criticism (because lets be honest, there is a LOT of open criticism on intuitive eating)
I think what is so different for me this time is I am working to FULLY embrace it, not just work the steps, but live the steps. Make them such an entrenched part of my being that I won't have to consciously work them, it will just be a part of who and what I am.
I have spent so much time wrapped up in myself, I am a little disgusted with myself. All the time, energy, obsession I have put into thinking, always thinking, about how and what I was going to do to reach that magical number on the scale. I am embarrassed. Ashamed, in a way. Sad. Very, very sad.
I have never felt remorse for the way I've treated myself in the past. Never. In my mind, all of the negative thoughts I have had have been warranted. Necessary. After all, just accepting things, doesn't bring results, right? I was seeking perfection. That is it, pure and simple. I had to see that number on the scale. I have spent this last year and a half (almost) being pissed at myself. Embarrassed. Ashamed. For what? 10 stupid pounds. I have let a number determine my self worth. It has guided my moods quite frequently. To the point that it was literally affecting every part of my life. My husband, over the last few months, has been quite vocal about his concern for me. It has shown up in my kids, they notice that Mom isn't happy. I ask again, for what? 10 pounds. Really?
I am to that point that I am starting to see a bit of a glimmer of that remorse for myself. I have been pretty ugly to myself. The internal dialogue that I have with myself routinely is horrible. Never in a million years would I ever, EVER treat another human being that way. Saying things like that. I know, I know it goes back to us all being our own worst critics, I get that part and I think that is something that is naturally there to a degree, but I think with me it has gotten so extreme, I have a hard time seeing much good. I think I hit a bit of a depression there for awhile (I am climbing out, thank goodness) but it is a dark path for me. I am starting to not only see, but truly feel how important it is that I find that voice inside that can say, yup, I am pretty okay. I think it lies down there with my intuitive voice. As that voice speaks up louder and louder, I think my inner dialogue will also improve. Self acceptance is something that I am making a priority to work on daily. Shifting the negative thoughts over to positive ones. It isn't easy, but nothing worth it ever is.
There are always debates on the issue of diets. There are various view points on what works. But like anything, what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. The same goes with intuitive eating. I have had comments close to sympathy for not being able to "stick" with a diet. I guess more than anything, I want people to understand what intuitive eating is. It is NOT just another program. It is a common sense approach to eating. Intuition is something that we're all innately born with. I see it in my children and the way that they eat. I marveled at my baby when he was still nursing. He would eat when he was hungry and as soon as he was full, he would stop. We all came into this world eating this way. We bury it as we get older. Sometimes it gets buried for us from well intentioned adults who remind us about the starving children across the world, we unlearn it from dieting, we learn to silence those cues because we think we know better. At least this was the case for me (I am not trying to speak for anyone....). Intuitive eating is a way to relearn a positive relationship with food. Brownies and a bright, fresh, tossed salad are on the same plane (bear with me for a minute). Not in the same realm nutritionally, but mentally. We all know what happens as soon as we're told not to eat a certain thing, we crave the hell out of it. We crave it then tend to binge on it. There is such disordered thinking in our society when it comes to food. In such a health obsessed society, there is such a rampant obesity problem. What gives? I don't have the answers, I have my opinions (which I won't bore you all with...) but I think the process of rebuilding the satisfaction factor with foods is an inherently important one so we can make decisions that are nutritionally sound, but they are done so from inner cues, not because another person/diet/etc says so. So there on that same plane is the brownie and the salad. I know that I can have that brownie anytime I want it, but a lot of times I will choose the salad. I can go on and on and on about the benefits of intuitive eating, but I won't. Just please don't bash it. It is an amazing way to live, especially for those of us who have struggled with disordered eating, a poor relationship with exercise and self loathing.
For me, intuitive eating is more than a good way to eat, it is an open door to reclaim myself. Feel better about the temple that houses me. Feel happy, even if I don't fit the standards of what society deems as "right" Be happy with the fact that I am fit and healthier now at almost 40 than I was in my 20's. Happy to be on the path of self discovery and finding myself and learning more about myself along the way. Happy to just be happy.