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smaller size !?!?!?!

Monday, November 12, 2012

i needed to do some shopping for winter clothes. i've been having difficulty keeping my pants up, but i just blamed it on my "funnel" shape. i found out i needed a smaller size of jeans. i am beyond shocked--i don't think i've been in a size 10 since 1982 or 1983. i am shocked for a few reasons....first i never thought i'd fit into that size again. second because when i was a size 26, i thought a 14 would be grand, and lastly because even seeing myself in a size 10, i still am very unhappy with the reflection in the mirror. it's all further proof that this battle will likely rage in my head...probably for the rest of my life. but i will continue to learn and grow, get healthier, and find new ways to think about, and talk to, myself.
my weight hasn't really changed since june...i've been bouncing up and down in the 167-174 range, which puts me hanging out on the cusp of the overweight/obese dividing line. that number, and designation make me feel really fat. i know there are a few factors i have to keep in mind...i have always been structurally dense, i am very large-busted, and i am now pretty muscular. since my weight didn't change, i was surprised to learn my size had. as a teen/young adult, i was anorexic. all of my adult life, i've been overweight-obese. as i've been dropping weight, i have teetered on the edge of anorexia.
i've still got a ways to go! a number on a clothing tag or a scale isn't going to make anything magically different. i will always have to be careful about what i think, what i eat, and what i do.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2322 days ago
    Amazing! Keep up the good work. Maybe since you know you have the eating disorder issues, you need to concentrate on healthy and not the numbers? Is it possible you look fabulous and you just can't see it? Because size 10 is bound to look fabulous! Try to be kind to yourself.
    2322 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    You ARE doing great! Love yourself even if what you see in the mirror isn't what you think should be there. You are making wonderful progress if you're jeans are getting smaller. So many factors like you said contribute to the shape of our bodies. Keep moving forward and don't let the anorexia get hold of you again. Love you! HUGS!
    2322 days ago
    Oh wow, a size 10! You are doing so well, especially as you also have to cope with anorexia issues. Before I joined SP my dream was to not have to obsess about food. Before I quit drinking I obsessed all the time about alcohol and after I quit it was such a relief to not have drinking on my mind 24/7, so I wanted that same relief when it came to food. But now I can see that food addiction is different and I will always have to be vigilant.
    2323 days ago
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