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Day 269: You Can Not Hide!!

Friday, November 09, 2012

I think I've been hiding from you, from me, from the issue at hand. I am up just about 10 pounds. I don't want to deal with it. I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm lazy. I'm wiped out. My knee hurts. My shin splint hurts. I haven't exercised. I have been eating way too much. I haven't been drinking enough water. I have been ignoring the issues. I have been surfing along on this depression tidal wave and letting it win. Some days are so hard. So days aren't as hard but those days sometimes I feel like I'm riding the ignorance wave. "Let's ignore all the issues and they'll all go away." I really want everything to be ok. I really want to be happy with everything in my life. I really want to feel energized again. I really want to get my appetite under control. I really want my knee and leg to stop hurting. I really miss Zumba. I really miss working on becoming a runner. I really miss feeling pumped up and good about myself. I feel so guilty about feeling so torn up about my issues sometimes. I feel like there are SO many people out there that have so many bigger issues. I feel like I need to grow up and mature and just deal with the cards I've been dealt. I mean, maybe it is just me having my moment of sadness I go through. My family is WONDERFUL. I have a nice home and great kids and a great husband. I have issues. I have issues I can't discuss here with certain parts of this great scenario. It's not always so great but in ways that most people would probably just say, "Really?" "That's all you have to complain about?" "Just suck it up and be thankful for what you have." And this is exactly what I plan on doing for the time being. I need to find a happy place in the midst of it all though. I can't ride the Poor Me wave forever. I Need to break free and find my happy place again. I need to be ok within me, within my space, within my home, within my family, within my world. This is the world that is around me RIGHT NOW. I need to grow within that world and feel comfortable here. I need to not fear it. I may not be able to pick and choose every aspect of my world right now. I may not be able to change certain things about my world that bother me but I need to learn to be ok with them for now. To know that it is the best thing for the whole, because my world is not the only world that matters. There are other worlds that intersect with mine and they matter, they matter a great deal. For all of us to grow, and for all of us to be ok, and for all of us to be happy.. I need to be happy and to be ok. I need to learn to meld into this person I want to be without having to have the perfect world around me. I do not have to wait for the stars to align for me to be happy. I do not have to wait for every single aspect in my life to be what I want it to be for me to work on me. I have to work on me now or it will never happen. There will always be something that isn't what it should be. There will always be something that needs to be dealt with. There will always be someone who will hurt your feelings. There will always be some task that needs to be done. There will always be something standing in the way. The key is to walk around it. Work around it. Encase it in everything you are.. because you are beautiful and you are worth it. You are not meant to be left behind. You are not meant to be forgotten. You are not meant to be stuck in a corner waiting for the moment that may never come. You are meant to soar. You are meant for good. You are meant for great things. But first you must take that first necessary step. First you must have faith. First you must be strong. First you have to believe. First you must be willing. You can do this. You can be happy. You can be strong. You can make great things happen. You can make a great life for yourself and those around you. You can be filled with joy. You can help fill the world with joy. You can do so many things as long as you are willing. What can't you do? There is nothing you can't do as long as you are willing to try. Please try. Please stand up for yourself and for your happiness. Please work hard to find out who you are. Please never stop. Please keep fighting. Fight for you because you are worthy. You matter.
You were not put here to sit idly in your fears and frustrations. You were put here to live THIS life with everything that YOU are to the best of your ability. Try. Try hard. Fight. Live. Be happy. Be who you are and be who you were meant to be. Never give up. Never ever ever give up. You can do this. You will do this. Today is a new day. Today is your day. Today is your fresh start. Today everything will be ok.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, some powerful stuff Sara. Sometimes it helps to just get all this off your chest and start fresh. You are a rockstar and you can do this! emoticon emoticon
    2046 days ago
  • NOE1234
    Thanks for sharing! Being vulnerable is such a brave thing to do...good for you! I've been wanting to read a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown which deals with the subjest of being stong in your vulnerability. You might like it too! You're on the right track. Like what was said above give yourself some breathing room and take the pressure off yourself. Here's a link to a TED talk Brene Brown gave a couple years ago. You might like it :-) Peace!
    2047 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/9/2012 3:30:59 PM
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    2047 days ago
    I've been where you are. Life gets tough. Just like you said - you are worth it. You can choose to see things in a positive light even when they aren't that positive.

    I've been reading your blogs for a while, and to be honest, I find that when you have a tough day, it seems like you really come down hard on yourself. I think that maybe why things (weight loss-wise) aren't working. My suggestion is to take a little break. Be free for some time. Take a step back to allow yourself to heal emotionally and physically. Once you feel ready to come back, then start slow. Make some small goals to work towards. Most importantly, when a slip up happens, relax and do better next time.

    I've taken breaks like these several times since I re-committed in June. Mine usually last for about a week. Once I felt ready, I came back ready to push forward. I felt refreshed. I felt determined. This journey is tough, and it takes a lot out of us, so if you choose to take a break, don't think of it as failure but as a breather. I will support you in whatever decision you choose though. I'm here if you need ANYTHING! emoticon
    2047 days ago
    I can really relate to this. Sometimes depression hits and then the blues beget even more blues. I am sending positive thoughts your way, and want to tell you 1) it takes a lot of self awareness to admit what you're going through and articulate it as well as you do; 2) even in the face of your slump, your determination to not give up is absolutely inspiring; and 3) you are a powerhouse!
    2047 days ago
    I don't think you have to apologize for having a tough time. Sure, other people have a worse lot in life. But, this is YOUR life and your issues are real. Don't diminish your pain just because it could be worse.
    2047 days ago
    Maybe you should give yourself a little break and just stabilize at this weight for a couple of weeks and not worry about losing or working out. Your body is hurting so you need to rest it. When you are ready, you can start up again. Although there are those emoticons "keep on pushing" etc. sometimes we do need to take a step back. You have lost a lot of weight and are fit really right now. So, take some time out to enjoy those accomplishments. You have a right to feel what you feel whether others have more on their plate or not. Your feelings are valid for you. Sometimes, well we are just sad and have to feel it, let it out and then get ready to feel better. You are right every day is a new day, and a new opportunity. One day soon you will wake up and just feel better and energized again. It will happen. emoticon

    Thank you for being honest and sharing your feelings with us. I am certain that there are many sparkers who are identifying with how you feel and it helps to know others are going through things too.
    2047 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/9/2012 10:10:25 AM
    This post really resonates with me. I've got lots of wonderful things happening in my life but I often get hung up on the not so wonderful things. The best thing we can do is to focus the majority of our efforts on appreciating the good things and slowly, slowly work to change the bad things that are within our control. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You can do this! WE can do this!
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    2047 days ago
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