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Looking Better= Feeling worse

Thursday, November 08, 2012

This is more on the serious side of my weight journey.
Everybody knows me as the happiest person around. I am the man that anyone, young, old, male, female could turn to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to.
My smile is almost always full force :D and usually have a joke, or some stupid perverted comment for most things that will brighten someones day.
This is, well, WAS me. I am describing myself when I was 5'9 and 305 lbs in April of 2011. Life was grand! Everything I had was more than good enough for me, all the way down to my body. I wore, and by wore I mean stretched out a 4xl shirt and wore 44x30 pants around my hip, and not my waist. I wore XL boxers which still squeezed me a bit. Goodwill and big and tall were where I shopped, as I was growing too big to guarantee walmart would have my size anymore.

I decided to embark on a life changing journey, physically was the intention. I never had a clue about the emotional roller coaster that was in store...

Today I type this to you sitting in a pair of 32x32 pants and a medium button up shirt, wearing size small boxers at 175 lbs. I am a completely different person than I was 1 1/2 years ago. My smile is rare, my friends don't come around much or talk to me a whole lot, and I just don't have the positive outlook I used to.
One may think, well losing weight shouldn't do that to you! Look at everything that's happened. I got married 2 1/2 years to the love of my life while I was huge. My personality was great! Since then I've lost a bunch of weight, gotten a much better job, a nicer car, and have 2 kids. This should be the recipe for the american dream..right?

Upon research I believe I have developed an eating disorder from my bodybuilding stint. It's called Orthorexia, meaning I'm obsessed with eating the perfect amount, of healthy foods only. I plan my meals weeks in advance to hit the perfect calories, carbs, fats and proteins for my muscle gain or fat loss needs.
Since losing my weight I have become rude, arrogant, impatient and almost anything else negative that one could really imagine. My wife and family have noticed that with every passing day I become more aggressive on my stance of opinions, and correcting others in what they do nutritionally wrong unless it's doing my own research to better myself.
I seen to start arguments for no reason other than to start them, I have lost my sex drive and generally feel like I fail at life, because how you treat others IS life, not what you have or do.

I just don;t know what to do anymore. Look on my Facebook at my fat to not fat pictures and see how happy I was, see that smile. Then see me smaller. I'm unhappy, unsatisfied. I look back and wonder if I should say screw it and gain it back. I don't have the money for a counselor or anything similar, but mcdonalds sure does have a dollar menu.

I appreciate all who respond to this whether its here on sparkpeople, or you add me on facebook and comment away. Thanks in advance for all the support.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know this is late but if you haven't seen your regular dr and are still feeling this way it might be good to go in for a full physical. With such a dramatic weightloss over the course of a year or more it is very probable that hormones and other numbers are out of whack. It could be a vitamin thing now that you don't have all the body fat storing those fat soluble vitamins. Or is could be a testosterone issue due to the weightloss. As someone who has a spouse with depression and battles my own from time to time, I really hope that you find your smile again as your body sorts itself out to the new normal.
    1915 days ago
  • ANEWME1313
    I stumbled across your blog and wanted to offer a smile and some encouragement. Life is truly a rollercoaster, with it's ups and downs. As I reflect on my life, I know there were times I went through depression or disassociation.. or whatever term one wants to put on it, not during an obvious time of stress, but when everything appeared as if it should be great. Sometimes I wondered if it wasn't hormonal or just taking the people and my life in general for granted. You've gone through some MAJOR changes and it may be that your body is struggling with the physical changes in ways that cannot be seen, and instead are felt. I feel you have taken the first step through the writing of this blog. You are seeing and acknowledging the change in your personality, what you don't like, and what you wish you felt. Maybe you need to pursue it as you did your weight loss goals. Address your "problem" areas, for example list 1) I want to curb my advice to others to when they ask for it, then decide how you will deal with it when it happens, for example, I will bite my tongue, think the thoughts, take a deep breath, and let it go. As you know from your weight loss success, small steps make a huge difference over time. You are mentally very strong to accomplish what you have thus far. You are strong enough to overcome this and be the person you want to be inside as well as outside.

    PS you have such a nice smile.. I hope you find it again.
    1980 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/19/2012 6:45:46 AM
    You've gone through a life changing process and you are NOT the person you used to be.

    You sound very angry. The heart of most anger is sadness. I've been there myself. I got mad at myself for all the years I wasted being fat. I got mad at my mother for the way she raised me. Mad at my children from preventing me from doing the things I wanted to.

    I became obsessed with exercise and diet so I wouldn't get fat again. It was all consuming. This replaced what eating had done for me in the past-made me focus on something other than my feelings.

    It took alot of therapy for me to lose my anger. I had used food for a long time to hide feelings of shame, fear, sadness and anger.

    I can only share what worked for me. emoticon

    I congratulate you on your weight loss!

    1990 days ago
    Thanks for the advice! :D Will try all suggestions out here and there, see if it starts to help some
    1990 days ago
    I don't know much about Orthorexia. Do you think this is the main cause for your unhappiness? I don't think you need to become unhealthy to become happy though. Maybe you can just ease up and worry about being perfect a little less, and just wing it by what you've already learned to be a healthy diet or exercise amount. I know that after a year on the paleo diet I became very mean at dessert places or even Disneyland because I couldn't have churros or cake; so now I just do the diet more in moderation and I'm back to being nicer. I think you can still be happy as well as healthy! Maybe some meditation or reflecting daily on how many blessings you have like your family or car etc, or smiling in the mirror at yourself might help. Anyway, hope you feel better and hope you can resolve happiness and good health!
    1990 days ago
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