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Secretly Afraid Of Success...

Thursday, November 08, 2012

I feel like my blogs lately have been 50/50 lately in terms of "yay me" and "wtf are you doing?!"

I have been a roller coaster of emotions these past couple of weeks. I don't want to dive into those issues, there is some stuff going on with me, but it is certainly nothing I can't handle, it shouldn't be derailing me like it is.

I was able to maintain my weight of 214 this week, which considering some really TERRIBLE food choices this week, I was honestly quite relieved. To be honest, if I wasn't participating in the BLC 20 (shout out to the emoticon Sheriff's), I don't think I would have tried at all this week. In fact, I probably wouldn't even have faced the scale.

I had an over 3,000 calorie day a few days ago. I had accepted it, and I had moved on. I THOUGHT I got to the bottom of the issue and moved forward, but the over 3,000 calories I had today says otherwise! emoticon

I finally figured it out, I am afraid of success! I mean downright terrified.

I have been over 200 pounds since age 18, that I know for sure. I've always been overweight and I've always wanted to be successful in weight loss. Here I am 2 pounds away from 60 pounds lost, and I am still screwing myself over.

I have finally realized I am a huge self saboteur! It sounds so silly to think that something I have wanted for years, and finally seems in my reach could be so scary, but it is.

People are noticing my weight loss, big time. The reason I say this, is because no one at work knows I'm TRYING to lose weight, but yet they call keep commenting. I think it scares me, because if it is that noticeable that I've lost it, it will be that much more noticeable IF I find it. I know, I shouldn't even be toying with such ideas, but when you have done nothing but fail in past attempts, there is still that voice that says "who are you kidding, you'll always be the fat girl!"

I am so close to Onederland, and at first it was super exciting. Don't get me wrong it is still exciting, but it has also put a lot of pressure on me. Obviously, the pressure is all in my mind, but it is really making me feel like I gotta hurry up and get there, and the result has been me dragging my feet.

I have also used my weight as an excuse, an excuse not to go places, not to do things, not to go out on a date, and whenever something went wrong, it had to be because of my weight. "Oh I would have got that job if I wasn't so fat", "oh, that boy would totally be in love with me if I wasn't so fat", etc etc etc. What is going to happen if I can get to 180, or let alone 170. I guess I COULD change it to "that boy would love me if I wasn't so chubby". But I think the cold hard reality is hitting me that I will no longer be able to hide behind all this fat. I will no longer be able to blame my weight and will just have to accept that maybe I wasn't the best candidate for something, or that maybe that boy just doesn't like me and it has nothing to do with my weight, and that my friends is a very scary thought!

So tomorrow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and I move forward. Now that I know what some of these issues are, I will be paying more attention to them and trying to find ways to not be held back by them.

To anyone who read all of this, I heart you and I'm also sorry LOL, because this was very long and poorly constructed because I am just thinking out loud. But even if no one reads this, it was good to get it out there, because I need to be more aware of this, and try harder to find my ways around it. I refuse to give up, and I will keep fighting for my goals and beyond. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi, thanks for sharing and being so painfully honest. I know it is hard. I have been fat for over 15 years and I just don't see myself as the fit, skinny girl. I need to get over this. I've been below 200 twice now in 2 years and I sabotage myself and go right back up. It's like I'm scared to be below 200lbs. I currently weigh 225. Hugs to you and know that you will be better tomorrow. Hang in there!! --- Tonya emoticon
    2046 days ago
    We have all used our weight as excuse. Many many people are using food as comfort in life and getting out of your comfort zones can be a tricky and difficult thing to do.

    When I lost my weight (I was 19 the first time, then I regained it and I lost it now again - I hope for the last time) I was really sad because one of my friends who was always beautiful and thin continued to get all the attention from boys, although I was thin, too. For some hours (yeah, it was only hours, I get to my senses pretty soon) I thought I was a loser (in life, not weight) but then I decided that even if boys don't see me as a love interest, I really liked what I saw in the mirror. So even if nobody thought I was attractive, I thought so, and decided that this was enough. And to be honest, it was... Some weeks after there were so many options that I could actually decide whom I wanted to be with.

    So, stay true to yourself and I'm sure you are gonna make it! You deserve it; we all did and we all do because we have fought for every bite we haven't eaten.

    2047 days ago
    Stephanie, I read your whole blog. It was awesome, and so are you! Sometimes just putting your thoughts into words can help, and I hope that's the case for you. I'm glad that BLC20 and being on the Sheriffs is helping you and hope it continues to do so. Stay strong and hang in there! We're here for you!! emoticon
    2047 days ago
    I swear we're sisters! I could have written this myself! I have done the exact same thing in the past. I got down to 205 at one point last year then it went right back up to 209.....stayed there a min...the ended up steadily going up and up til i gained all of it back except about 3lbs! I think it is scary when all you've known is being overweight and like you said, being able to blame it when things don't go our way. I have thought that to myself more times than I can count. 'Oh he cheated on me cuz I'm fat', 'he couldn't commit cuz I'm fat'..'I shouldn't try out for that job cuz they're just gonna see I'm fat and think I don't care about myself'..blah blah blah. I understand this post SO much b/c it is me!! I pray you will be able to overcome these thoughts and move on toward adventures and exciting things in your life that you DESERVE just because! Not because you're overweight or not overweight. I pray we both can do this. Haven't we put ourselves through enough?? emoticon emoticon
    2047 days ago
    I'm so glad you are looking into this situation now. I'm not really facing these issues, but maybe that is because when the fat is gone, I will have my age to hide behind. I hope I won't use that as an excuse not to be all I can be. Thanks for the great blog. You know you hit a sore spot for many. Just look at the length of the comments.
    2047 days ago
    I feel the same way.. In fact.. It seems like every time I feel like I am doing REALLY good. I seem to start self sabotaging. It's like 'Oh I know I shouldn't have this.. but I'm going to anyways.' In fact.. since I am at 200 pounds this week hasn't gone very good eating wise. Thinking about it I think I am just subconsciously self sabotaging myself.. in which I will probably blogging something similar. It's frustrating because I want to succeed.. but I need to figure out how to keep going instead of ruining my success. It's definitely hard to succeed when you have so much going on with the self conscious thing as well. Even though my husband says otherwise.. I feel like he'd love me more if I was thinner/If I was thinner I could do this or that. It sucks. You are doing so well with losing weight.. so I hope today is a better day for you! You deserve this weightloss for yourself. I agree that it is a scary thought of using the weight as something to hide behind as for relationships, etc.. but as the quote on Juno says.. "Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ***. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." Edited the cuss word as I believe SP doesn't like that. I will say.. One of your best attributes (that I see because I don't personally know you) is your perseverance! You push on no matter what obstacles or set backs you have.
    emoticon emoticon
    2048 days ago
    Ah! What a great blog post! I love your honesty - and I completely get it!

    GRACEMCC45's post is almost exactly what I would've said if she hadn't done it first - with the addition of something CS Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind"

    It's okay to be terrified about what will happen. It's perfectly normal, even, to worry about who you will be under 200lbs. But the good news is, that you don't have to figure it out today or tomorrow. Thank God that we had our teenage decade to angst about who we were becoming before adulthood, and our 20s to figure out what that all meant. We didn't become who we are in a day or with a good "think"- only by believing that tomorrow will be worth leaving today for.

    I have one question for you Steph, What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Go for that thing. If that thing is being 170 pounds, by God, GO FOR IT.

    I'm so proud of you for being so in tune with yourself and your body. Now YOU can rise the victor over your body and strive for the goal set before you.

    2048 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon You have expressed very well how a lot of us feel. I have used my weight as a shield for years. It is something I have to face as I continue shrinking.
    2048 days ago
    I think there's something in the air. You're not alone, my dear.
    I have faith that we will overcome this. Big hugs for you!!
    2048 days ago
    Go you. You are very self aware. :)
    2048 days ago
    Gosh, please don't apologize for this blog, it's SO incredibly relateable. As others are saying, this is how everyone feels (which I didn't know until I read their comments!) and it's exactly, 100% how I feel. And the exact same reasons. "Oh, that person was rude to me because I'm fat." "Oh, that guy didn't hit on me because I'm fat" (What is really ridiculous about that one is that I have a boyfriend and in one specific instance I'm thinking about the guy KNEW I had a boyfriend yet I blamed him not hitting on me on the fat! WTH!?) "I get paid less because I'm fat, I have less clients because I'm fat, my clothes just look bad because I'm fat."

    Oh yeah, I have all those negative scripts too. I've only lost 20 pounds, and I hate to add that "only" onto it but NOBODY's noticed...which gives me the feeling that I should just give up! If nobody notices that I've lost weight, why the heck should I bother!?!?

    Because we (I) feel better about myself, to change those negative scripts, to be the person we (I) want to be, to do the things we (I) want to do! Pick one, pick any, pick all!!

    Thanks again, I actually feel like there's a little less weight on my chest from reading this.

    Have a great weekend!
    2048 days ago
    First off, yay for accountablility! I love that your BLC group is making you think about your choices. We can't always do it by ourselves so I'm glad you found something that helps you.

    Second, everything you said was so relatable! I haven't gotten as far as you have with my weight loss but I can understand it is difficult to put yourself completely out there. You could always blame your weight when you didn't necessarily get the things you wanted, even if it may be that you weren't the best candidate or you weren't the perfect match for something. On the other hand, it could have been your weight that held you back if you didn't always interview with the most confidence in yourself or if you were ever in a relationship and you felt like you didn't deserve love because you were over weight. Your weight could have mentally messed with you and maybe that's why things didn't work out. You will still need the confidence and you will still need to love yourself, no matter what your weight is.

    I think I may have just gotten off on another tangent that you didn't really bring up. Sorry!

    But yeah, to simplify it and to make it more relatable to your blog, everything you said makes sense. :)

    Third, don't worry about your blog being too long. This writing is therapeutic for you and you don't need to worry about anyone else. :)
    2048 days ago
    Don't apologize for the the blog! I LOVED it and have been patiently waiting for another one. I totally get what you are saying I'm right there, I use my weight as an excuse for EVERYTHING. every problem, every failure, every bad feeling or situation. And you know what Stephanie? I really think the past month or so you have pushed pushed pushed and now your at the last little bit and it is scary but I really think its time to SLOOOOOOOWWW it down. Get back to one day at a time, have some maintaining weeks, because for me personally the winter is the hardest and if your trying to do everything the same as your were it may just pull you back, so my advice is to slow it down and then amp it up again in spring or sooner if your super stable strong minded again for your final goal weight. And I REALLY feel like KAESEA78, i havent lost tons yet and its not a huge difference in pics yet but I am already hating the way my body is looking now, and I know I hated it more before but my mind is saying "oh no NOW you look WAY WORSE with your stomach hanging down lower and lower" This journey is ALL about our minds. We have to rewire EVERYTHING and change our self talk, body image, thought processes when dealing with stress, nervousness, anxiety just everything. ugh its insane. But we are all on the right path and will soon be getting our minds to follow our bodies progress :) You rule! dont feel pressured! If you slow down a bit I wont lie, it'll make me happier so I can catch up again! :) SERIOUSLY!
    2048 days ago
    Of *course* you are scared of success!! Welcome to being successful at weight loss!

    The excess weight we carry/carried becomes part of our self-identity. It's more than just physical. We have had to change our attitudes, adapt our personalities to prove that we too can be just as vibrant, attractive, and worthy as those who are normal weight.

    Hiding behind the fat becomes parading despite the fat. So what are you gonna do when it's gone? What will protect you from the outward judgment that others *do and will* pass on you?

    Those are scary questions!! It's 100% normal and OKAY to be scared, Stephanie.

    You are doing fantastic. Focus on your positives. You will still be you when you've gone and shrunk. Still funny, charismatic, realistic and poignant. Still fantastic at your job, a loving granddaughter and a princess. You think Cinderella wasn't peeing in her pants when she got transformed from a maid to the belle of the ball?

    *Side story* Where I work, there are some, hmmmm... shady, somewhat inappropriate male clients that at times prey on the younger, more attractive female nurses. I never *ever* had to face the problem of being leered at. The first time it happened in my weight loss, I was scared sh*tless. How did this come to be!?

    2048 days ago
    THAT WAS emoticon BLOG!!!
    2049 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    I am EXACTLY like you...every time I drop some weight I freak out in a happy good way but then self sabotage. I'm not "rewarding" myself with food, I just feel uncomfortable mentally. The layer of fat is like a shield. It's an excuse for failure, that way it isn't me that failed, its my fat body. People at work have been commenting on my weight loss too, but it embarrasses me. Why?!?! This whole ordeal is not only hard physically when you push yourself in workouts, but even more hard mentally and emotionally. I'm so glad I'm not alone...neither are you!!! emoticon
    2049 days ago
    It is very scary to no longer be able to blame your fat for things not going how you hoped. Hope you work through it:) emoticon I hope you won't let the fear keep you from reaching your goals emoticon
    2049 days ago
  • SONIA260
    You are NOT alone....I struggle with these very feelings every day....we will learn to survive without the fat excuse though, in time :)
    2049 days ago
    emoticon This is a scary thing we are doing- completely changing our lives. First of all, you are to be celebrated for your achievement so far! But second, you are nearing a major milestone. The fear of what that means can hold you back or it can set you free. Only you can choose which route to take, but we will all be there for you!

    I think a lot of us hide behind that shield of fat, and use it as an excuse, like you mentioned. It takes a lot of courage to get rid of that! I have no doubt you can do it!

    And, if my little challenge to "race" to ONEderland put any undue pressure on you, I am SO sorry! I did that for purely selfish reasons, just looking for a teammate at about my weight that my ultra-competitive self could "fight" against. I should have thought about the rammifications of that challenge. emoticon

    Hang in there!
    2049 days ago
    No one likes change but it happens anyway. You can choose how to change or be swept up willynilly by events.

    emoticon on losing 60 lbs.

    2049 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/8/2012 9:13:50 AM
  • PATRICIA4472
    I read the whole blog, too - and think you have great insight into yourself, and I applaud you. Shine a light on it, and you can deal with it. You go, girl! I'm on another team in BLC20 and it's been a way to keep me accountable, too. So proud of you!! emoticon
    2049 days ago
    I think that you clearly and most elegantly gave words to your thoughts. Change is scary for all the reasons you described and then some. I definitely am my worst enemy. That is a big reason why I stopped eating desserts, candy, etc. I know from decades long of practice that I can't just eat one cookie or one handful of potato chips. Why did I ever think that this time would be different? You can do this my dear.
    2049 days ago
    I read the whole thing, and I think you have great insight into how you are feeling. I think you are being very brave and facing your fears. I know you will be able to conquer this and move forward. But you have to love yourself. You have to do this for you. So you can be healthy, so you can be fit. There will always be challenges in life. You are powerful and will be able to meet them! . I hope you are able to put the overeating behind you and forget what other people think, and love yourself.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2049 days ago
  • KAESEA78
    Oh man how I feel you. I think I have actually blogged something similar. I am also so afraid of still hating the way I look when I do get to goal. Like, from all the skin and such. I feel like if I put in all the work and still don't like my body then I will just go right back. Then I will feel even more horrible and so on and so forth...that is a horrible outlook but it is how I feel sometimes. Being fat has ruined my brain, for real. I know it sounds silly, but truly it has reeked havoc.
    2049 days ago
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