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Need Some Advice (sorry for length)

Monday, November 05, 2012

****As a side note, I did finally talk to my OBGYN's nurse today. The test showed mild abnormalities and this happens often. He may or may not do a biopsy based on what he sees. 8 out of 10 cases show few abnormal cells and he just plans a recheck in 6 months. For the other cases they will refer me to a specialist.****

So another odd thing happened to me last week. I ended up getting a friend request on Facebook from my 1st ex-husband, C.

C was the first boyfriend I had in college, and we were together a total of 6 years, but only married for about 2 of those. I switched schools to move in with him after he graduated, which is ironically how I wound up meeting B (though we were just friends then).

C and I lived together, got engaged, did the husband and wife thing even before we actually got married. A year and a half after we got married, we moved to Tennessee to be closer to my family. A few months later, I made the decision that we should get divorced.

Now, I won't lie. I did a lot of things wrong there. I basically stranded him in Tennessee with a mortgage and no close family or friends. It was a decision that came as a shock to everyone because there were no signs there was a problem, at least to the rest of the world and C. I also gave up my half of the house and started from scratch because more than anything, I just wanted out. I did break his heart and I have always felt terrible about that.

But the thing was, I should've never married him in the first place. I did the whole long relationship, engagement, marriage thing because I was young and naive and I just thought that was how things were done. That's what you did. You grew up, went to school, got married, had 2.5 kids with the white picket fence. Which is exactly what he wanted. So I assumed that's what I wanted too.

It wasn't until we tried to have kids (small blessing we didn't, really, thanks to the PCOS) that I really registered that whoa, this is not what I want right now. I was only 24 at the time, fresh out of college and taking on the "stay at home" wife role. Which he loved having me wait on him hand and foot. I was depressed, bored out of my mind, and he and I didn't have anything in common. I didn't love him. I liked him a lot, he was a great guy, but I just saw us more like roommates. How scary is it that I thought that was NORMAL for a marriage?

Regardless, I finally wised up, broke away and we got divorced. Lots of angry family, lots of tears, lots of stupidity on both our parts, but I have to say that honestly to this day it was still the best decision I could've made.

Now, yes, he was angry. I have had no contact with him since 2006. The only thing I knew was that he got married, is still living in Tennessee, and now has the 2 kids and the home he wanted. And I am truly thrilled that he was able to find what he was looking for.

So what is this about? Why send me a friend request after all these years?

My gut says to ignore it. I don't want to get involved in any drama of having an ex on my friends list and who knows what his wife thinks. I know this sounds really selfish too, but the idea of seeing him with his 20,000 photos of kids/wife/happy family is not going to help make me feel any better about my own life. I am very happy he is doing well, and I really didn't want that life, but I also don't need a harsh reminder of my bad choices since that time and the shambles that currently make up my life.

Now, to clear up a few things:
1) B has no problem with me adding him as a friend. He actually thinks I should.
2) We do have 1 mutual friend whom I rarely speak to. She's more friends with him than I am. Other than that, we have no other connection.

Can anyone argue a reason as to why I should friend him?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I would say not to do it because unknown to you he may still have feelings for you and you are only going over old ground if you 'friend' him again. Move on and leave the past in the past
    2006 days ago
    Man what a post. It's ironic how much your situation relates to my current one.

    Despite my divorce and all the feelings I had having my heart broken by my ex, I think it's possible to have a drama-free, amicable relationship with an ex-spouse. My father is friends with his ex-wife, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you never wanted the life he wanted/has and still don't, I don't think you should let that or the ghosts of your guilt bother you. If you're really happy for him and have no interest in what being friends with him will show you, then that's perfectly fine, too.

    However, if you're not comfortable with it, then you're not. Plain and simple. Most likely he is showing a sign that he has moved past whatever happened between you two and wants to demonstrate nothing but good feelings. It's up to you whether you're wanting to reciprocate or not.

    It's your decision and your decision alone. Of course it's always hard to decipher if something actually troubles you or if you're just troubled by probabilities that you're making up in your own head - I do that a lot myself.

    I say let the friend request sit unanswered for a bit and give the feelings time to settle. In time I'm sure an answer will become clear to you. And the great thing about Facebook is you can always friend/unfriend at a later date. It's not like your committing to something permanent or anything.
    2023 days ago
    Don't do it! You control your facebook, and if it's making you uncomfortable to have to think of the reasons behind the request or what the repercussions might be from reopening this door. Trust yourself. Send him a message if you would like to, but I would strongly recommend not accepting his request. At the very least you are not only protecting yourself, but also his relationship with his wife. If I were his wife, I would hate that he was your facebook friend.

    Be strong and listen to yourself. You have done some amazing things in your life, and you have earned the right to listen to the way you feel.
    2025 days ago
  • KELLY19770
    I would send him a message saying "Glad you are doing well, but I don't think we should be friends on Facebook because...." since your gut is telling you not to. I always listen to my gut feelings.
    2025 days ago
    I would not accept his friend request. If my ex did something like that I would just ignore it. As I say for my ex (we were together for 4 years), I hope he'll be happy and successful but I already have many friends. Being a friend with him would complicate my life and I don't really like complicated situations.

    Whatever you decide to do, don't let it affect you... You are a different person now and you should focus on your goal to change your life. Try to evaluate if accepting his friend request is a step forward or a step backwards for your mental health and your peace emoticon

    2025 days ago
    What I think was very meaningful are your own words:

    "My gut says to ignore it. I don't want to get involved in any drama of having an ex on my friends list and who knows what his wife thinks. I know this sounds really selfish too, but the idea of seeing him with his 20,000 photos of kids/wife/happy family is not going to help make me feel any better about my own life. I am very happy he is doing well, and I really didn't want that life, but I also don't need a harsh reminder of my bad choices since that time and the shambles that currently make up my life."

    I don't think you are selfish; I completely understand about not being reminded about choices made when you were younger. The most I might do is a personal message and I would probably tell him exactly what you said above.
    2025 days ago
    You have to go with your gut! Think about what you want, not what you should do. The very fact that you wrote this blog makes me think you don't want to accept his friend request. Then don't! You could send him a message like others suggested. Otherwise, if you ignore it, he doesn't get a message saying you declined it. You could also suggest if he wants to talk, to give you his e-mail address and you can talk that way. On FB you can also customize what people can see, so if you do add him, you can make certain things so that he can't see them. But do what YOU want.
    2025 days ago
    I don't get the whole facebook thing. It seems to me like it's one big game to get as many people as possible to freind so life looks super interesting. People that I knwo that do use it say that it's really good for keeping in touch with people you don't hear from often. I say "Those people can call me if they want to talk to me!"

    I'd say, if you are interested in having some sort of freindship, then why not? Talk to him first. I'm not sure about what all the social implications are of publicly freinding people on facebook, though, so I guess I don't have any good advice for that particular issue! lol
    2025 days ago
    If you really don't want to have his updates on your facebook, or even just access to them [as you can keep him from showing up on your news feed], I'd send him a nice message saying that you're glad he seems to not be mad, you're happy that he has a new wife and family now, but you honestly don't want the close contact that facebook can provide. If he wants to stay in contact, however [and you want to too], that's another story and you can give him your email address or something. But facebook does give you more of someone's life than just email.
    2025 days ago
    How about "nice hearing from you, bye." Remember that you don't have to be friends with everyone who wants to be your friend. And do you really want your ex in all your business that you post to your friends?

    My mother's ex husband has contacted her. She married his when she was 18 to get out of the house. Then they divorced when she moved to Hawaii with him as he was in the Navy. She met my father during her divorce over there. So good things come from bad things. But, he reached out to her and she told him she was happy he was doing well, accepted to apology and told him that she just had too much to do with her life to keep up contact with him.

    It's all up to you and how you feel. If you feel guilty, then definitely do NOT friend him. Just say hi in passing and let that be it. His wife is probably not as understanding as your B.

    Of course, that's just my opinion. But a can of worms is a can of worms.
    2025 days ago
  • LINDA7668
    I would tell him the same the you said here. You were young, naive, and didn't really know what you wanted. You are happy for him for the life that he now has and you are happy with your life now. Tell him that you're not sure that reconnecting would benefit either of you. Wish him the best and let it drop.

    Personally, if things are going the way you want with B, I wouldn't risk it. Although he says he's OK with it, it could become an issue in the future. Is C worth it?

    Good luck!
    2025 days ago
    I would stay away from that drama if I were you! It has to be your decision though.
    2025 days ago
    If you want to add him, do it. If you have nothing to say, don't. Be true to yourself and what is in your best interests. I am no help. lol Sorry. Big Hugs!
    2025 days ago
    Honestly? Facebook is dumb. I love it, it keeps me connected, but you're not even seeing him in real life. Sure, friend him. Why not? And if he tries to start online drama, unfriend him.

    But if you're uncomfortable with the idea, then don't. But you sound like you've got your s*** together and your not going to get super emotional about it.
    2025 days ago
    No. Nope. No way. There really is no reason. Now, he may be friending you because enough time has passed and he genuinely wants to catch up with you and be friends again...but with all of that under the bridge? I just don't see an upside for either of you. The only problem is that since he did reach out, if you don't accept his request he'll think you're still bitter or some such and it might make him feel bad. But you're not responsible for his feelings. You could reach out with a fb message and say that you're not comfortable friending him at this time but you appreciate the gesture of reaching out and you would appreciate it if he would not respond. But you can't make him not respond either.

    I think this exact situation is what the "Ignore" button is for.
    2025 days ago
    You just have to ask yourself: Who benefits? From either decision?

    Don't get too into playing the "what if" game with yourself.

    Adding him as a friend on FB isn't giving him your address and a key to the house. It's pretty easily reversible, if you decide to add him and then decide to remove him later, it's a pretty quick fix.

    I would send him a PM asking what prompted this, see if there's something specific he wants. Maybe he's been in therapy for a bit and has unpacked some stuff and wants to tell you he's forgiven you. Maybe he's found God. Maybe he wants to do one last yelling session and get some closure. Whatever it is, maybe it will benefit you too. Then decide. His response will certainly give you some confirmation if your gut is correct or if you're being alarmist.

    There are some potentially good reasons for adding him, as long as it doesn't add chaos to your life. Sounds like closure or confirmation that you did the right thing regardless would help you finish this.
    2025 days ago
  • MISSB8604
    What would YOU get out of speaking with him again??? How would being his friend help or harm you??? Yes, it is strange, but FB is like that. The most random people ask to be your friend even though you haven't talked to them in years.

    Give it some time and truly think it over. People are often apart of your past for a reason....

    Let us know how it goes.
    2025 days ago
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