Think about it

Monday, November 05, 2012

I recently had some things happen in my life. I am not ready to share them here, but it was significant, life altering, and has had such a cascading effect on my life that it's unbelievable. Anyway, as a result of that I've been asked to look at my situation try to think of reasons why things went down the way they did. I think I figured it out

I'm disgusted with myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel. I hate how hard things that were once going so smoothly have become insurmountable. I hate how I give into binge eating. I hate how the gym that was once something I wouldn't NEVER miss, has become an after thought. I have spending 2.5 hours a day at a place to ruin it later that night by poor decisions. I hate that my foot makes running unbearable. I hate how weak I've become, and now don't even have the minimized size to justify the loss. To put it simply, I'm pretty sure I hate myself.

I didn't think I had it in me to be honest. I didn't think my personal appearance mattered that much. I'm married, I've got a lot going for me. I never thought how I looked in a mirror would affect my every day. But I've gotten to the point where I'm disgusted to be in my own skin. I hate going to my closet and bypassing 50% of my new wardrobe bc they fit too tight, if at all. Its oppressive. Its daunting. It's choking, and its a cloud that I cannot seem to shake.

I'm not looking for a response to this, I just wanted to capture this feeling while I had it, and this is where the thoughts landed.

I cant go and lift b/c I pulled my lat, which puts me further behind in what is now a win-less battle. I can't run because of the plantar BS that I have going on, which puts me farther behind yet again. It's just so dang frustrating. This is the time of year where its the hardest to stay on track anyway, and I'm trying to melt a hill of snow with a match.

I have no inspirational ending, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I will keep swimming, its all I can do, but I think its just an exercise in futility.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know you don't want your hand held and I understand that. BUT, I can at least tell you that I completely understand. We've all hit that low. Take care of yourself mentally. The rest will fall in line. It's okay to feel what you're feeling but it's possible to turn these feelings into an opportunity to get better, to change things.

    You've got this. Keep at it.
    2056 days ago
    i am so sorry you are at this point, and i hope the next blog shows a different emotional swing.

    we all have times when we fall into despair. i think it is a natural part of the human condition. the main thing is to pull yourself out, and to do something about the causes. you may need to change the types of workouts that you do, but there is always something. check out pilates videos online - pilates was originally designed for people who were bedridden, and the range of exercises is huge. do exercises that isolate your muscles to avoid injury.

    and most importantly, be kind to yourself. you are special and the only one of YOU out there. just take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.
    emoticon emoticon
    2056 days ago
    I'm sorry you are going through so much. However, things will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, but they will. Your injuries will heal. You'll get back to running and lifting. Your body just needs time. Right now, you have to be the strongest you've ever been. You have to do the best you can. If you give up now, then all that time you devoted to lifting, running, and changing your life will be a waste. You're too good for that. You deserve to be healthy. My suggestion - start with a positive mindset. "This too shall pass." It's a temporary situation. Next, find other exercises you can do - Yoga, walking, upper or lower body exercises. SP has seated exercises you can do. Watch what you eat. Just because you are healing doesn't mean you get a vacation from healthy eating. In fact, make today day one of November and make goals even if it just pertains to eating healthier and drinking your water. Those are just as important as exercise.

    Don't give up. You are stronger than you think. Remember, this too shall pass. emoticon
    2056 days ago
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