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The Straw that Broke my Back

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

If you've read my blogs before, you know that staying positive is a big deal for me. And I've really been able to channel that positivity through some challenging things in the past months. But it is getting ridiculous, and my positivity, while not gone, is not around.

June 27th: I recommit to making SP and my health my #1 priority. I decide to deal with the negative voice and my plateau and really get into it.

July: Diagnosed with a stress fracture, have to give up running

August: vacation on the beach with a boot on my foot (but I did stay in range 10 of the 14 days of vacation with a LOT of planning, tracking, and determination).

Sep 1-14: sure I have a stress fracture in my foot. Sure I'm in pain and still wearing the boot, but I can still ride my bike and eliptical like crazy!

Sep 14-30: First I stop the elliptical as I realize it is making my foot injury worse. A week later I realize the bike is also hurting my foot, so I get off the bike too. But I keep STing like a crazy person!

This whole time--every time I got knocked down I gave myself a pep talk and stayed positive and focused. I kept my goals in sight and did not get down.

October: I get an MRI and find out it's not a stress fracture, it's a ganglion cyst hidden in the middle of my foot. A BIG ganglion cyst. It will probably require surgery.

Do I let that throw me? NO! I buy a swimsuit, goggles, and a membership to the YMCA, cause that's the kind of resilient gal I am!

October 15: My tooth breaks where a filling came loose. I get it refilled and am in pretty severe pain for 7 days before I get a root canal. But I'm still swimming!

October 24: My tooth is temporarily done (still needs to be crowned). It hurts the tooth a little to swim, but I'm still swimming like a champ! Until the 24th, when I bend over to get my shoes off the floor, and my old herniated disc slips, causing pretty severe pain and has continued every since.

I'm done, people. That did it. I wasn't able to do anything but lay on the couch. My resilience is at an end. I would like to tell you that I kept my head up and kept on keeping on, but I didn't. I'm not binging or going crazy, but I am eating out of range and drinking wine like it's going out of style (yes, even with my muscle relaxant!). I am whiney, irritable, depressive, and probably weigh more than I did last week. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of all of this. I feel like it has all been just a bit too much to ask of me.

At the same time, writing this humbles me, b/c most of the world has it WAY harder than I do. WAY harder.

But that doesn't change the fact that it is pretty damn hard right here right now.

So waaahhhhhhhhh.

Friday I got to the foot surgeon to find out what we need to do about my cyst, which is still pretty painful.

meanwhile I am trying to figure out how NOT to let the negative voices win as I am still stuck on the couch.

So my big goal for today is to track, pure and simple, even if I'm out of range. I've not been on SP at all. I've had this experience before when injured that it just pisses me off more to read upbeat, energetic stories while I'm down. Sad, but true.
I'm also going to try to have no more than 2 glasses of wine tonight.

On the bright side, which I can still see despite my bad attitude, is that I am sitting in front of a fire, surrounded by my 3 cute, cuddly dogs, while my wife is making me coffee in the kitchen.
So don't feel too sorry for me.
But feel a little bit sorry for me, cause this sucks. And it just helps to say it.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Man, your life is hard right now!! I can't help but be glad for you that you have realized that you need to return to some sort of reality: tracking is an amazing place to do this! I am sorry that you have been knocked back down each time you have begun to get up, but I am just a bit jealous of your evening by the fire with your own 'cuddle brigade'!!
    2028 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/31/2012 5:32:31 PM
    Awwwww, Man! So sorry! emoticon
    2028 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/31/2012 3:39:43 PM
    You're right, it does suck! Annjie, you can't catch a break and you can wallow in that for a while. Just not too long.

    While you can't read other people's positivity right now (and I TOTALLY get that), maybe you can keep writing your story? I imagine that will be pretty cathartic, and you might even be thankful later that you wrote it all down!

    I hope things start looking up soon!
    2028 days ago
    Tracking is HUGE! Especially in the face of all your trials & tribs! But hey, enjoying a fire with your dogs & partner sounds like it goes a long way to "distract" in good ways! :-)

    2028 days ago
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