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Something's Changing

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I'd like to start this blog by describing what was typical in the past for me. I would get up and step on the scale...every single morning. Then I would either like what I saw or hate it, but I would always let the scale tell me how to feel for the day. I would actually consult with my scale throughout the day. It really didn't matter what the number was, it would be a reason to eat. If it were up, I felt bad and used that as an excuse to eat. I would say, "it doesn't matter, I will never lose this weight." If it was down, I would say, "well, I am doing well. It's time for a reward," and I would eat to reward myself. Hmm, could this the reason for my weight problem?

It wasn't that alone, of course. I ate for every emotion, good and bad. Anxiety was all that kept me from eating, but I would resist the food to the point that I was sick...and sick-looking. It didn't make me feel that great to lose the weight because I wasn't fit at all. It was just the number of pounds were down, and though I loved to see what I was seeing on the scale, I still hated the way I looked. The scale is really the least important factor in all of this.

This time around, I decided to try something completely different. I decided to check out what was helping others. SP was a good place to see that. I have read articles and blogs, blogged myself, began keeping a journal, and tracked my food and exercise. It's all so motivating. I am learning to take accountability. I always thought I was being accountable because I am an honest person. I don't cheat, steal, or blame others for my mistakes--unless it's my weight problem.

As a child, I experienced many misfortunes, and it led me to depression, alcohol, drugs and many other destructive behaviors. I blamed all these things on the way I am...fat. I would look in the mirror and hate what I saw. I would be mad at the circumstances that I felt caused me to get here. I realized that it was time to stop letting those things determine who I am.

Fortunately, I have realized that I have the power to control all those things. I don't have to look in the mirror and think negatively about myself. I don't have to drink to get rid of the bad feelings. I don't have to live in the past anymore. Letting all those things control what I would do with my life has led me on a downward spiral. I will make all my decisions with one thing in mind now. I am going to take responsiblity for whatever the outcome. I will not blame anything or anyone and really be honest with myself. I can be honest with others, but I'm just as valuable, so why not be honest with myself, too?

All of this has changed in my mind in a very short time, but something that is really amazing is that I did step on the scale last night before bed, and it was not what I had expected. I went back several more times just to check it out again. Maybe it was wrong the first time...and second and third and even a fourth. Nope! My weight hadn't budged, and yes, I'll admit, it was not a great feeling, but I didn't take that and go on a binge. I said, it's just a number and the scale is not my decision-maker. I am!!! I will decide if this is going to bring me down or give me motivation.

I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale but with a new perspective. I had a light breakfast and spent some time thinking. Perhaps those little morsels that I was having and not recording were adding up. Perhaps I am exercising way more than I should because my goal was to burn 720 calories this week and have reached over 1200. Perhaps I was a little more stressed and hormones are part of the reason. Perhaps I step on the scale at the wrong time of the day and way to often. It really doesn't matter. As long as I keep moving in the right direction and focus on the ultimate reason I have to do this--my health--I will get to where I want to be. In reaching my goal, I will not look back and focus on that one night the scale didn't agree with the extra slack in the waistband of my pants. I will focus on all the healthy decisions and the learning that got me to where I wanted to be and the healthy decisions that I will still have make to stay there.

I really do love myself for having compassion for a person who should be given unconditional support, caring, and forgiveness, just as I do with my husband, children, family, and friends.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 68ANNE
    It is so nice to read about the change in someone. That moment of realization......aha! Thank you for sharing!
    2063 days ago
    I'm proud for you for the realizations that you came to about the scale it is only a tool and not the end all be all. As long as you come to the realizations then you can learn from them. You can do this. emoticon
    2064 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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