NIKI8911
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(TMI alert) I'm so tired of starting over... and ramblings

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

But, I'm kind of doing it again, and this time I have to make it through all the way to goal. It seems like I can maintain pretty well in the 140's but that's not where I want to be. I know that this is still a relatively healthy weight for me but my body frame is actually supposed to be about 20 pounds lighter. So I'm refocusing, and not only on weight but on my health, lifestyle, and day to day life.

I know I have only been active again on Spark consistently for a solid week, but I feel like I'm there. I'm finally ready to dedicate myself and do what I've been wanting to do for a while. I've taken steps to help improve my life in other ways as well. I'm only allowing myself one night to drink per week, and minimal amounts. Smoking really hasn't been a problem for me lately which is great, because this is always a major struggle of mine. I have started taking my vitamins again (which always make me feel better), and I'm instilling a routine to follow weekly to help manage my day to day life. I'm hoping this will help alleviate some stress.

Over the passed eight months I feel like I've been struggling with a lot of personal issues. Issues that impact my mental & physical health, my marriage, and my professional life. One of those specifically being depression.

I will stress again these are personal issues so I'm ****warning of a TMI alert**** in case you're not interested. I do feel somewhat awkward sharing such personal issues with the world of SPARK, but sometimes I feel like if I don't write it down it's not going to be addressed and referenced later.

I have made a big decision recently that may not be a big deal to most, but it is a very important decision for me. I decided to go off hormonal birth control. We are not trying to conceive, this was a personal choice due to health issues. I have been on hormonal birth control for almost eight years. After many weeks of research I decided to quit. While I understand that not all my problems are related directly to or solely caused by my birth control, I feel that it is a big contributor. There have been so many studies that are demonstrating how awful the stuff is for you and the short and long term effects on a woman's body.

I'm going to stop beating around the bush here.... my symptoms exact - non existent libido, depression/mood swings/hopelessness, persistent anxiety, etc. these are my constant woes. I do not have reasons to feel this way. My life is good, I do not have reasons to feel like this!! Like I said this is incredibly hard to post such personal information for people to read, but it's important that I am open with myself about recognizing the issues that are present in my life and make active changes to overcome them. My husband has been pretty supportive about this, this time around. When I brought it up months ago, he told me he thought it was all in my head. AGAIN, I'm just going to be honest, I feel like his first thoughts on my condition months ago were insensitive and lacked any sort of helpful solution/compromise. I've been feeling like a nut case, and that no one understands what I'm going through, I just wish I could make him understand how I'm feeling.

I need to be honest with myself and face this head on, and that's what I'm doing. In January, thanks to the health reform I will have contraceptive coverage and I will be getting a non hormonal form of birth control. I think I'll spare you those details, but I have high hopes for it.

In the mean time, I am hoping that my physical activity, improved diet, vitamins, and motivation will see me through this rough patch and there will be a light at the end of tunnel for me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CLRWILLIAMS25
    I randomly came across your page through interaction with a mutual sparkfriend. I just wanted to say that you're definitely not alone! I have been thinking of getting off of hormonal birth control for a few years for the same reasons- no libido, lots of anxiety and severe mood swings. I have been exercising regularly for 8 months, which hasn't really helped any of the symptoms. I hope this change will help you feel better emoticon
    2951 days ago
  • CATMAGNET
    I'm with 62NVON on the hormonal BC issue too, because ironically enough, it has helped STABILIZE my moods (and has been positively impacted by a healthier diet and exercise) and caused the monthly pain of severe endometriosis go away for the past 2 years. Yes, I've had blood clot issues, so I'm now on blood thinners and have switched hormonal medications, but for me, the benefits still outweigh the costs.

    However, every woman is different and needs to make her own decisions regarding her fertility and how she's going to control it. I'm glad you're doing what's best for you and your goals. I wish you nothing but the very best. :)
    2961 days ago
  • 62NVON
    Aw, sugar... let it out! You know you can do this.

    I'm on the other side of hormonal issues as you know. I feel totally irrational sometimes. But I think it would be much worse if I didn't eat right and work out. I'm sure some of your issues will level off once it's completely out of your system and your body adjusts.

    emoticon
    2961 days ago
  • SHMARA
    Thank you for sharing! Holding stuff in puts us in a very lonely place. And you are right, it's good to get it out.
    I think we all go through similar situations at one time or another. I stopped taking birth control years ago for the very same reasons you listed. It might be great for some women, but it always made me feel insane! Not to say that since I stopped I have been issue free, but I sure feel better.
    As women we go through many trying times, often feeling like our own bodies are against us. I believe that it's important to listen to ourselves, listen to our bodies, and try to find a good balance.
    Hope you feel better soon emoticon
    2961 days ago
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