(TMI alert) I'm so tired of starting over... and ramblings
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
But, I'm kind of doing it again, and this time I have to make it through all the way to goal. It seems like I can maintain pretty well in the 140's but that's not where I want to be. I know that this is still a relatively healthy weight for me but my body frame is actually supposed to be about 20 pounds lighter. So I'm refocusing, and not only on weight but on my health, lifestyle, and day to day life.
I know I have only been active again on Spark consistently for a solid week, but I feel like I'm there. I'm finally ready to dedicate myself and do what I've been wanting to do for a while. I've taken steps to help improve my life in other ways as well. I'm only allowing myself one night to drink per week, and minimal amounts. Smoking really hasn't been a problem for me lately which is great, because this is always a major struggle of mine. I have started taking my vitamins again (which always make me feel better), and I'm instilling a routine to follow weekly to help manage my day to day life. I'm hoping this will help alleviate some stress.
Over the passed eight months I feel like I've been struggling with a lot of personal issues. Issues that impact my mental & physical health, my marriage, and my professional life. One of those specifically being depression.
I will stress again these are personal issues so I'm ****warning of a TMI alert**** in case you're not interested. I do feel somewhat awkward sharing such personal issues with the world of SPARK, but sometimes I feel like if I don't write it down it's not going to be addressed and referenced later.
I have made a big decision recently that may not be a big deal to most, but it is a very important decision for me. I decided to go off hormonal birth control. We are not trying to conceive, this was a personal choice due to health issues. I have been on hormonal birth control for almost eight years. After many weeks of research I decided to quit. While I understand that not all my problems are related directly to or solely caused by my birth control, I feel that it is a big contributor. There have been so many studies that are demonstrating how awful the stuff is for you and the short and long term effects on a woman's body.
I'm going to stop beating around the bush here.... my symptoms exact - non existent libido, depression/mood swings/hopelessness, persistent anxiety, etc. these are my constant woes. I do not have reasons to feel this way. My life is good, I do not have reasons to feel like this!! Like I said this is incredibly hard to post such personal information for people to read, but it's important that I am open with myself about recognizing the issues that are present in my life and make active changes to overcome them. My husband has been pretty supportive about this, this time around. When I brought it up months ago, he told me he thought it was all in my head. AGAIN, I'm just going to be honest, I feel like his first thoughts on my condition months ago were insensitive and lacked any sort of helpful solution/compromise. I've been feeling like a nut case, and that no one understands what I'm going through, I just wish I could make him understand how I'm feeling.
I need to be honest with myself and face this head on, and that's what I'm doing. In January, thanks to the health reform I will have contraceptive coverage and I will be getting a non hormonal form of birth control. I think I'll spare you those details, but I have high hopes for it.
In the mean time, I am hoping that my physical activity, improved diet, vitamins, and motivation will see me through this rough patch and there will be a light at the end of tunnel for me.