Whoops, ate my feelings anyway

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

(Disclaimer: I'm grieving a miscarriage so take any ramblings with a pinch of salt)

For the past five days I've been relying heavily on one strategy to make it through.
I ask myself "what's the healthiest choice I can make right now?" And then I do that. Just the next step. Like, lying in bed with no interest in getting up.
"Get up, get dressed, feed my daughter and me breakfast"
And I just do the get up part, then I repeat the question.
It's kind of laughable, but it really has been getting me through. But last night I felt exhausted in a very thorough way; spirit exhausted, cry exhausted, body exhausted, thinking exhausted. And after a lovely dinner provided by a friend, I ate... and ate.... and ate.
The total damage is just under 1000 calories. And this morning I feel, not guilt, but... something. Awareness? Disappointment? Prepared? No, not yet prepared.
But it is the thoroughly tired feeling that seems to really flip off my "full" switch. And I wanted very much to feel comforted last night. There is definitely something emotionally comforting about a full belly for me. Something in me gets a little worried when I'm hungry AND tired. It wants to rest and feel better.
Not sure what to do with this information, but I know it'll come up again. I don't think I can give it anymore brainpower right now, though.
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