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Accountability! Plus, I'm not sure how to feel...

Monday, October 22, 2012

SOOOOOOOOooooooooooo, I'm back.

Thank you awesome SparkFriends, for putting up with my super crankiness combined with total disappearance. And for the kind words while I was away having tantrums. haha.

Anyway. Accountability!! I only tracked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday breakfast last week. Since I didn't track I'm doing my accountability here. It is boring; feel free to skip down to the ********s

I didn't stress eat M or T, but Wed was a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. Mainly because I was at work until after 9pm, STILL didn't finish the task that needed to be done for the next morning, broke my cell phone, and cried all the way home. It was horrible, I don't want to have a day like that EVER AGAIN. UGH. So yeah, dinner was mac and cheese, the horrible nutrient free out of the box kind, and I ate almost the entire pan. But I can't remember if I had lunch that day, so maybe it evens out?? (denial, denial! it's nice to see you here! denial, denial, today! --do you guys know this song?) Thursday was not much better. No time to eat breakfast so I got a breakfast sandwich & coffee on my way in. Skipped lunch, mostly, and crap for dinner again (Chinese food! greasy! But I didn't eat seconds.) Friday... I am trying to remember. I think I had the same takeout breakfast, no lunch, again, and went out for pizza (CHEESE CHEESE GREASE AND CHEESE) with a friend for dinner. Plus I ate chocolates all week. Not like, king size candy bars, but still. I HAD been doing well staying away from the chocolates....

Oh and since I was resting my stupid annoying jerk of a hip, no fitness minutes. Literally ZERO. No exercise after the unsuccessful run on Monday. Unless hysterical crying counts as exercise; I haven't actually checked in the tracker.

Saturday I finally started to get better. Made a big pot of plain oatmeal for me & the husby. I had mine with banana and almond milk. Lunch was random snack food, we were out running errands. Ha. Not my best, but better! Dinner was beans beans BEANS and rice and whatever veggies were in the fridge. However, I also bought candy while I was out so I ate that too. Note to self: don't buy candy. Bad plan. Yesterday was um... leftover chinese food for breakfast (SHH! I got up late! It was really lunch! It's fine!) and takeout sandwiches for dinner. BUT, I made us cake for our anniversary and we never got around to eating it, so that's good right?


So it was a weird weekend, and not the healthiest of foods, but at least I tracked them all. And even with the snacks/candy, since I didn't eat three full meals PLUS that, I actually was not that bad on calories. I don't feel awesome, though. I need more fruits and veggies this week. I would punch you in your kidney for an apple right now, actually.

Here's where I kind of don't know how to feel about this... I got on the scale this morning and saw 270.0.

SO HERE I AM. At my first big milestone. I've lost 30 pounds. 10% of my starting body weight. 1/4 of the way to my first goal of 180 pounds. Also, I am now "obese," no longer "morbidly obese." BMI is 39.9, down from 44.3.

It took me near 4 months - 17 weeks. 30/17 = 1.76 pounds per week on average, which I think is super respectable. I'm aiming for 2lbs/wk, but considering when I was aiming for 2lbs/wk on another different weight loss tracking program/site I was lucky to lose 0.5/wk, I will totally take 1.76.

And I sort of feel like "... oh."

I had such an awful week, but I don't feel like I "earned" it, with my awful week. I think that's a way I might have felt in the past - everything else is terrible, I deserve to feel good about something, so I feel good about losing a few pounds. I was thinking yesterday that I need to get back to the good stuff this week; I'll feel better, I'll be better insulated against stress. Thinking I'll probably have to work to lose some I gained back, plus those pesky 2 pounds that wouldn't leave before, to get down to 270. And then when I did, it would be like "TADAAAA!"

And my body is like OH HAI, WENT ON WIZOUT U, K? Which is fine. I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong. And I'm not endorsing quitting your workout routine and eating chinese food as a plan. And I'm DEFINITELY not bragging "haha, I ate crap and lost weight anyway, while you all work hard! pthbthbthbhtbhtt*!" No. It's also not like, oh now I'm done. I missed the last bit and it's over. HA! No, I have plenty more pounds to struggle at losing. I have plenty more work to do.

I guess it's a manifestation of how deeply I have internalized being obese. Losing weight is officially in my mind something I am not good at, or even not capable of. So I look at the scale and go "yeah, no. that didn't happen." I'm seriously expecting to weigh myself tomorrow, or on Thursday, or this Saturday, and see 273 or 275 or 278, because this has to be a trick or something.

So I'm experiencing this. And I'm standing back to analyze the experience that I'm having. And it's all very strange and I don't know how to feel.

...ta daa? I guess?

*if cartoons have taught us anything, it's that the sound you make when you stick out your tongue and blow a raspberry at someone is spelled "pthbthbthbthbhttt!".
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are doing amazing!! 30 lbs is a lot to lose. I'm struggling with my first 5 lbs. Keep going, you are doing great!
    2010 days ago
    emoticon I want to say welcome back missed you. Anyway Thank you for the comments on all my different blogs. I totally expected to have lost nothing this weekend for how bad i was feeling i was doing and guess what? I lost two more pounds and that adds up to ten WHAT????? Who knows way that stuff happens. I'm so happy for you that you have lost thirty pounds you rock. I say don't ask questons of the scale gods LOL and go with the flow. Anyway i hope you have a great week.
    2011 days ago
  • LEB0401
    First of all... CONGRATS!!!! Second of all... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

    Though you say you ate all this junk food and whatnot, look at how much you're AWARE of the food you put in your body. That's amazing! No wonder you're losing.

    2011 days ago
    I love that this has been your experience this week and you've lost. Seriously-how awesome is that?!

    And this week you're just going to kick even more butt, I just know it. =D

    I've also had the exact opposite experience this past week but I think I may have found the problem. Maybe. I'm gonna have to blog about it. Anyway...

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    How's that for alliteration?! ;)
    2011 days ago
    The thing that all life altering programs have in common is, you guessed it, accountability!

    Make Today a Great Day!
    2011 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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