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The night I tracked my binge....

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I am one of those in the habit of making excuses. And I have to say that there is one in particular that I have become expert at making.... using my anger and emotion as an excuse to eat. And eat. AND EAT.

I share my food tracker. Go ahead, take a look at it. I am not ashamed tonight. I'm owning up to what I did to myself. Go look, I dare you. In fact, here, I'll make it even easier... here's the link:

I ate tonight out of anger. I was a day's-worth-of-calories angry. I was angry at my husband for leaving a sink full of dishes. I was angry that my job search wasn't going as successfully as I hoped. I just was so full of anger that I took it out on myself. I was angry looking at people's pictures on Facebook. I was just F'ING ANGRY. It's hard to understand what goes on during a binge, and if you're not a binge eater, it's reasonable to question why anyone would do such a thing to themselves. Well, I'd love to give you an honest answer, but the truth is, I don't have one.

I imagine that it's the same mechanism that causes people to drink, or cut themselves, or do drugs. You lose control of the level-headed self you are and go into something like a black-out, only you're completely conscious and aware. Part of you fights to stop it, but the angry (or sad, or bored) part is stronger at that very moment and you give in to it. Then in a flash you've managed to eat 1600+ calories worth of food and have nothing to show for it. The tears flow.

I never tracked a real binge before. Everyone over-indulges once in a while, but this isn't the same. This is replacing the emotion with food. Hopefully, someone else will read this and be able to relate. I just needed to vent before I further damaged myself and my self-esteem. I have worked so hard for 10lbs, I really don't want to sabotage myself.

I own up to this. This is my mistake, and I made the excuse to do what I did. I OWN IT. And I will start fresh tomorrow, give myself a clean slate, and move on.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are soooo right about the political post, Slowder. I can't wait for this frikkin' election to be over already! I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, but man, some people can be real a-holes.

    I would like to say it's ok to binge once in a while, but it really isn't. It just doesn't solve the problem. I'd really like to try (keyword is TRY) to blog next time before I binge. I also noticed it's much harder to resist the binge during PMS. Grrrrrr!
    2310 days ago
    I can totally relate. I also tend to binge. Here's the thing though, I should get angry but instead, I misdirect the anger into something else ... but it almost always leads me to the pantry or the fridge!

    I've been trying to misdirect myself from those food areas into doing some sort of physical activity instead now. When I find myself standing with those double doors spread open, eyeballing the shelves for wares, I try to tell myself to go find my cellphone and earbuds, plug up Pandora, and go pound the pavement for a while. It works, some times. Truth is, some times it doesn't but it does let me clear my head.

    I can't do exercise videos and get the same release. I get mad at all those skinny b*tches that are dancing around the screen way too easily and it just makes the anger and urge to binge worse.

    Funny you all should mention fb. I am spending far less time on there lately and I think I'm better for it. Way too many political pix and arguments go on over my feed. It's almost worse than the darn NEWS on tv. At least with the News, I can change the channel. I can hide the pix on my feed or de-friend people, I guess, but it takes time and effort that I really don't want to give it. You know?

    Stay strong! emoticon
    2313 days ago
    Oh the binge!!! How I hate that so much, and the tears that follow. And how I hate that my DH has no idea and can say ALL the wrong things during one. Great to hear the next day was better.
    As for your job search........I have been unemployed now for a little over a year, the longest period since I started working at age 15. I was the primary bread winner too. So for a year, we have struggled financially, had no health insurance, and had to make some huge adjustments. BUT, I have also spent this time getting healthy. I've lost 80 lbs, quit smoking, completed a 5K, and really changed my eating habits. I still have a long way to go. I'm not there yet, and we are now at a point I HAVE to find a job SOON. I apply for several jobs every week, and am still not getting calls. So I just tell myself everyday I'm not working, is one more day I get to work on me and my health ti form "habits" that I can stick with when I do go back to work.
    Hope this helps at least with the job search not causing anger.
    2314 days ago
    Yes, writing this blog absolutely put me in to check. The trick is to remember to blog BEFORE the binge. Writing it helps, especially when you know you're angry over (seemingly) silly things or things you have no control over.

    I think you'll all be happy to know I am having a better day today, back on track and rockin' out!

    Thanks for all the support and encouragement!
    2316 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    Wow! Well said. I totally relate to that. Being angry with someone else and really just taking it out on oneself! Makes no sense but I do it all the time. I also relate to the totally irrational anger like looking at pictures on facebook. I can often feel like that and not really know why! You are not alone. But the more we think about it and write about it the more aware we are and the more likely we are to beat it!
    2317 days ago
    Yes. I have been there, done that. I know exactly what you mean. Move on, simply. Through the guilt and ill feelings, just move onto a clean slate. :)
    2317 days ago
    WOW! This is a powerful blog and kudos to you for posting. But even more important is your statement at the end: "And I will start fresh tomorrow, give myself a clean slate, and move on." As horrible as we feel during and after bingeing, 12 midnight wipes the slate clean and we have a chance to do better. It sounds like you can forgive yourself and that is so important.

    No one can understand what binge eating is unless they are a binge eater. For me, I liken it to being in a car without brakes at the top of a long hill. The car teeters on the edge and it's torture as I try to keep the car from starting down the hill. I used to tell myself that a little bit of whatever would be okay and I could stop, but now I know that's just a lie I tell myself. Once the car starts, it can't be stopped until I crash and burn. And then yes, the tears flow.

    I have more binge free days now. Learning how to comfort myself without food has helped immensely, identifying the emotions that make me want to tip over that edge and an excellent therapist have been keys for me.

    Thanks for posting and much success on your journey.
    2317 days ago
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