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I realised something today...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Yeah yeah.. I have PCOS, yeah it's hard to burn 7000 calories a week with just exercise then be 7000 calories in deficiency with my food instake ... But everyone has things in life that are hard... EVERYONE. (at some point)

From what I have understand, When you have fat on your body it stores hormones within the fat, and an excess of fat, can create a hormone disruption that makes it easy to gain weight back.
It took me about.... I would say... 2 months to lose my last kg. and I gained it and another half back in a day. (When I ate some sandwiches and some chips)
Which is not the first time this has happened in my Spark journey.. but this is the first time.. I am claiming my hormone imbalance, as my fault, and not the fault of PCOS. By the simple daily choices I've made... compounded over years.

Yesterday, I worked for an hour in my job - It has been shifted to work from home, which in theory, means I could work more efficiently and effectively and earn more money. Since tuesday.. it's thursday now, I have made 0 Phone calls (or sales).
On top of this.. "trying to motivate me" feeling, I went.. with the credit card that i just paid off that morning and new i had no money left.... I went and bought.... *hangs head*
1 steak and cheese pie. (yes I'm vegan!) a foccacia loaf of bread, bag of low fat air popped chips, two bags of lollies, the only thing i didn't eat .. was half of the loaf of bread. Which I will eat today.
So in short.. I sabotaged my meal plan, my training goals (as I am trying to save up for a racing bike for the triathlons), my weight loss mission, my self esteem,... etc etc...
And it didn't feel bad or anything, because, this is my old behaviour.. How I would simply act.. (It is actually actually impossible to buy healthy food here in CHCH nz - you must make it). So I will be like "I can't be bothered to cook... or work.. or work out.. or....... "
And this is the premise on which daily decisions have been made that have created a life of SLOTH.

Ok so Awareness is the first step right?... What's the second? lol..
(According to narcotics anonymous, I am... making step four, a fearless moral inventory, and step 5 admitting it to others (here on my blog)). Hrm. I think the next step, (these dont apply) ... is to DECIDE to not be slovenly.
And to do that I have to get specific on what I mean that to mean.
Someone who plans out her day and sticks to it, gets her activities and commitments done
Someone who knows not to plan too much, or has an action plan for when overwhelm sets in. I suppose someone who makes things mean something to her.. and thinks she's worthy of those things. You can see I'm starting to get a little vague now.. Which makes this step all the more important.

The other day.. during Aquafit, Shar was trying to chat to me, I love it when Shar chats to me.. but the girl trainer yelled out. JOG IN PLACE - FULL POWER. (my personal trainer (floss) says FULL POWER all the time.. infact.. haha he just completed a mountain bike race (and won) he had made a decoration for his bike that says full power for the day lol).
It was like a trigger word and I thought "yes" and I ran SO HARD SO FAST.. I made the most white water in the pool and I was focused, determined, and shattered afterwards.
My eyes were focused straight forward, but looking at nothing except my performance.. I recognized this feeling from before when I was training for the 10k pegasus fun run/walk.. When I went running for a little bit and I went down the street faster than I ever had before.
I think both times my intense focus lasted for about 50 seconds...
I really like that skill tho...

A while back, in the Done Girls Challenge Group - We were asked to define our super hero, someone we want to be like, in terms of weight loss or whatever, for Spark.. as a blog. I'm not explaining this well. I thought it was an excellent (WEEK LONG) challenge.. and while I'm late on it...
I think I am starting to shape this person up.. There is not one person out there in this world.. that is a person I want to be like, So I find it tricky to describe. however, this woman.. imo is incredible and I want to be like her and more:


If you watch Dr Jeanie's video, you will see that she's soft spoken, but confident, bright and intelligent, but able to explain.. I could imagine she's highly intuitive. I want to be like that! that is COOL. And not only that.. her business is healing people, also cool, and she's going all out with the social media for it too, so she's a business girl for sure :) I wish I could meet her :(

I want to be cool in the way I carry myself, calm, confident, with an air of wisdom,
I want to be focused and committed and light hearted with running a business
I want to be ruthlessly dedicated to weight loss while kicking ass and taking names
I want to spread love into the world and remind people why we are here
I want to be incredibly skillful with my emotions and learn how to tame them, manage them.. use them to work for me.
I want to find meaning in people close with people and tell myself I deserve it.
I want to be true to myself and know my voice and be strong enough to express it

and if I could sum this all up into one phrase.. it would be
I want to be a woman of integrity.

Eating a @#$#@ing mince pie, is not living my life with integrity

Wow check this out:

(it says: The soul is dyed the colour of it's thoughts, think only of those things that can bear the full light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by Day, what you choose, what you think and what you do - is who you become. Your integrity is your destinty.. it is the light that guides your way. - Herculius

INTEGRITY: A concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, INTEGRITY is regarded as the honest and truthfulness or accuracy on one’s actions. INTEGRITY can be regarded as the OPPOSITE of hypocrisy” Wikipedia

(I think the meaning ought to go deeper, the consistency is not just within your own actions or your word you will do them.. but consistency of harmony among other people eg, You can not be a an efficient burglar who does a burg every night and be said to be living with integrity? - there is a certain.. true to yourself element also)

I know for a fact the #1 Quality I look for in other people is how genuine they are (about who they are, their flaws, their successes etc). So it would make sense, that I would want this character for myself wouldn't it???

I have a problem with being lazy... I don't think it's the choice to not do things, I think it's a fear of success - and it's a protection from failure, criticism and pain.. We don't NOT do things without a valid reason - I think.

But that is not who I was born to be. Simple as that.

Oooh I like this one.. the Eagle of Integrity. hehehe Well there we go, If I had made the spark challenge on time, This would be my new superhero :)


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    In theory? weight loss should be come easier. .well more like.. not gaining the weight back...
    Once I have lost some of my body fat? Cos there will be less hormones to gear me towards it - right? maybe?? Hrm. Cos this is actually extremely difficult, I can either focus on my weight loss OR my work and social life.
    not both! Gr. If I just ate what I planned, I'd have half this battle won!
    2041 days ago
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