150,000-199,999 SparkPoints 197,966

And now the healing begins

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I miss him so much. I've gone into his favourite room of the house several times each day, just to see his things, smell the last clothes he wore, and just remember what life was like with him.

The memorial was nice. I heard many tell me it was beautiful, and that the tribute I wrote that the reverend read for me made many people choke up and weep. His ex also had some words to say, and although she's not my favourite person, I will give her credit for not going over any lines. Then Half-Brother had a few words, too, telling everyone how much Tal had impressed upon HB that he could be a great man, as long as he kept working at it.

The chapel was full, and staff had to open up the back end of the chapel to give everyone a chance to sit. There were so many people there. As I entered the chapel with his sister to lean on, I could tell it was full. I couldn't look around, I just didn't have it in me. But I could feel everyone there.

If Tal had been there, to talk to me, he would have downplayed that so many cared for him, and would have thought he didn't deserve this much attention.

That's the kind of man he was... always understating his importance in people's lives. Vanity wasn't a word that described him.

Mom & Dad are still here, and I've had many friends tell me to call them. And I will, soon. Honestly, I can only handle Mom & Dad in short spurts, mainly because of how we lived is/was so much different than how Mom & Dad live.

Part of the healing process, apparently, is to go through his things, and come to terms with his passing. Today, there are some things I'll be doing in the city that will be, eventually, healing to me. But it won't feel that way.

I would still rather have him with me.

I might post my tribute to him, I haven't decided yet. I might just scan it and post it instead. I know I can't type it again just yet.

Although the anti-depressants Dr. Shiona prescribed for me are helping me sleep deeper, they don't keep me asleep for more than 5-6 hrs. I don't think I've had more than 6 hrs sleep each night since he passed away. This morning, I woke up, and my first thoughts were of him. And I cried. I couldn't move. It took me a long time to be able to move. If it hadn't been for a full bladder, I might still be in bed. (It's 7am as I write this.)

My heart is so broken. I don't want to be without him. Just like I know he didn't want to be without me.

As I sat in bed, trying to get dressed, I saw the backside of a birthday card in a clear drawer he had given me this year. It wasn't a funny one, like he often would buy. It was a card that told me how much I meant to him. He wasn't much for writing, but that card said volumes. And it did again this morning, as I read it again. And then I cried. I couldn't move. I could just sit there, crying.

I don't know what I'll do without him.

He really was my everything.

I love you, Sweet Heart. Always.

Your Baby Doll
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been here for a while and hadn't realized what had happened. I'm praying for you right now, wish I could give you a hug. What can I say? I wish you comfort and strength to go through these deep waters of pain.
    2015 days ago
    2035 days ago
    Jo, I'm crying with you. Tears fill my eyes right now and run down my cheek. I can not even begin to understand your pain. Just the thought of losing my DH devastates me, so I can't even imagine. You are such a strong person Jo. I know you may not feel that way right now, but your strength has helped a lot of us during this journey. We are here for you now. Take your time to grieve. But know we are all here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers Jo. I wish you lived closer so i could give you a real hug. For now though, emoticon emoticon this is the best i can give.

    2040 days ago
    My heart is just aching for you. I can feel your anguish in every word you write, pouring out your heart, your pain. If only there was something that somebody - anybody - could do to give you even a moment of respite, but I know this is something you must walk through...a journey. You are in my prayers, and I know God will comfort you, but the healing takes time...maybe forever. A loss like that never really goes away. Give yourself time, cry, get mad, whatever emotions come up, let them out. Blog, journal, talk - whatever it takes. Hopefully the sting will ease. I remember when my young sister passed away feeling like there is something wrong with the world to just keep moving along its merry way without even noticing that it was a darker place because someone special had been taken too soon. Everything felt dark and gloomy and surreal. How much more you must hurt having lost your special love. I can't even imagine. May you find comfort in your memories together - and hold him close in your heart.
    emoticon emoticon
    2040 days ago
    oh my god Jo, I wish I could just take all your pain away. Just being able to sit down and type it out will be very helpful, although I know it does not feel that way to you right now. You have lots of friends here that love and support you.
    Take Care of yourself my love. emoticon emoticon
    2040 days ago
    I haven't spent much time on-line recently and just saw your posts. I am so sorry for your loss. We are all hear to listen. Glad to see that you are writing about it. Make sure that you don't isolate yourself. Now is the time when you need your friends and family the most.
    Big hugs.

    2040 days ago
    C'est vrai, Jo, que le deuil d'une relation aussi proche prend beaucoup, beaucoup de temps. Il faut prendre le temps. La guérison sera très lente. Pour la plupart des gens, ça fait du bien de parler de l'être cher encore et encore et encore et encore. Un décès aussi subi est un grand choc. Perdre l'amour de ta vie, c'est une douleur inimaginable. Pour l'instant, il est probablement encore beaucoup trop tôt pour passer à l'action, n'importe quelle action. Tu as besoin de ressentir et probablement de beaucoup en parler avec des amis proches. (Mon expérience me vient du fait que je faisais du bénévolat auprès de malades en soins palliatifs et que j'ai fait quelques cours.)

    Merci de nous faire assez confiance pour nous parler de ces moments si intimes que tu as vécus. Ça te fait du bien d'en parler, et ça nous fait du bien de savoir comment tu vas.

    Toute mon affection,
    2040 days ago
    Keep writing. Keep blogging. Start moving again. But good golly Jo...please give yourself time. You do not have to do ANYTHING right this minute & don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Listen to your heart & your intuition. They won't lead you wrong! You're a strong person...so thank you for letting us be here to help you!!! emoticon
    2040 days ago
    You are right,now the healing begins. Writing this blog was the first step. Reaching out for support takes a lot. It will be tough and you will have your hard and good days but that is all a part of the healing process. Talbot obviously loved you, so hang on to that, hold it close to your heart. You WILL be ok. You are a fighter. Hugs
    2041 days ago
    So sorry for your loss.
    May your memories give you strength. emoticon
    2041 days ago
    It will take time...... emoticon
    2041 days ago
  • DOOBIE893
    2041 days ago
    I am sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. It will take some time before you start feeling better emoticon
    2041 days ago
  • JGRAY76
    I am so sorry for your loss. It's good that you are writing about your feelings and it's a healthy part of grieving. One day at a time as you work towards a new life. Take care of yourself!!!
    2041 days ago
    2041 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by JLDACQ