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I need to change things...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

I need to change things.

When I was younger and imagined my life in my mid twenties, I didn't think it would be like this. I thought that I would have more figured out and more accomplished at this point. I thought that maybe I would actually have meaningful relationships with others and feel at peace with myself. This has not happened yet. Not at all. Food is my coping strategy. It's what I use to cope with feeling let down, bored, annoyed, and I use it to fill that void that I don't like to examine or explore. That void that is the emptiness that I feel when I notice that I don't have someone to call a best friend, or even a good friend. I have collegues, coworkers, peers within my classes but I don't really have friends. And I wonder, what the heck is wrong with me that I can't form these meaningful connections that others seem to have. And I give, volunteer, do nice things for others, but I don't have that group of girlfriends or guy friends that make me feel like I'm at home. I want to stop feeling like a tourist in the town that I've lived in all my life. And rekindling the relationships I have had with my past friends makes me feel like crap, literally worse off actually. I have this core belief that I can't have friends, and it's what I have felt since about 8th grade. And it's pretty screwed up.

Yep. Pretty screwed up. I need to change this belief...

In other news, I am gaining a few pounds. They are coming on as I stay home and work on my assignments. At the gym today one of the older ladies asked me if I jogged before one of the fitness classes. I replied that yes, I did. And how I don't come to a lot of the classes anymore because of my busy schedule. I've basically been eating while writing papers. Suddenly one of the ladies in her 30s maybe said "yeah right, you keep eating..." basically implying that I was just making that all up. I was insulted but quickly brushed it off. When thinking about my body/health/weight I compare myself to people in their twenties whose bodies are pretty fit like my coworkers, interns, or classmates. I have a lot to go before I could wear those cute leggings. And the problem still remains, my eat habits stink. I have to start planning what I'll be eating again instead of writing down what I eat afterwards. I just don't want to balloon up in weight while in school, thats when my sister gained a lot of weight. It's in my genetics to become overweight but I don't want that to happen easily.

So I think that I tell myself often that I want to change. I want to feel confident, have friends, be healthy, and be able to run if needed from a charging bull. I don't know if I just have to fake it and pretend to have all those attributes until I finally feel different. It's emotionally taxing to work so hard to try to feel normal, or at least the ideal of normal.

So here is to change. I changed my background picture and body of color in my blog. It is Sunday, 5:43pm and I am trying to change again. Everyone who has changed and done anything meaningful always had a day where they started--hopefully today is my day.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Meaningful relationships take time to develop. When I say my sister is my best friend, it's not because we're sisters, it's because we both chose to work at this relationship we have, and build trust between us.

    When it comes to true friends, not the Facebook kind, I don't have many. I never did. And I've always been ok with that. I have a LOT of acquaintances, and in the last coupe weeks, some people have offered to be my friends and to help out in my time of need. Most of these people are well-meaning, and I have decided the best self-action I can take right now is to lean on them. It doesn't mean we'll all be best buds and going out for a beer & wings on Friday night after work. It means I've allowed myself to trust them for a short time. My emotional state is fragile right now, and I know I'm leaning on people, and inadvertently trusting them beyond what I would normally do. So at some point, I will slowly back away from some of those acquaintances, especially the ones who drain me emotionally, and find friends who don't betray my trust, don't tell my secrets to others, don't step on my toes, and don't p!ss me off.

    I would rather have less than 5 friends who are true friends, through thick and thin (and apparently I do have more than 5 of them), than to have a roomful of acquaintances that I can't trust.

    As for the attitude changes, I like where you're going with that. The idea of "fake it till you make it" is a good one, but when you apply it to your case, remember that it's not for every aspect of your life all the time. If you want to feel like a happier person, and you believe that smiling more often will accomplish that, then practice smiling, and when it needs to be there but you're not in the mood for it, fake it for that moment. Just remember to return to why you didn't want to do it in the first place, and deal with those emotional issues tied to it.

    As for comparisons, and this is the Kettle calling the Pot black by the way, you CANNOT compare yourself to others. Even though I have another SparkFriend who has lost as much weight as I have, and we have a LOT of similarities, I can't compare my weight loss efforts to anyone else, other than my own in the past. It's less about comparison and more about seeking support, when I start thinking that way. Your journey is yours, and yours alone, but you should seek out supportive people to pick you up when you stumble, offer a shoulder when you need to share, and take away the cupcake just before you sink your teeth into it. They're out there, but you have to know what YOU want in a friend, first. You need to determine what boundaries you want to keep when it comes to new friendships, until you're confident enough that the new friendships are worthy of continuing.

    Believe me when I say that you have more friends than you think you do. I didn't know I had as many friends as I did until My Guy's funeral. I know you have many as well.
    2055 days ago
    I became my next door neighbour, Angela! Angela walked into a room and lit it up. Nobody would ever forget her, everyone wanted to be in her crowd, her friend! So I would think to myself, 'what would Angela do, or say, or think' and largely it worked. So now I can walk into that room, head held high and a smile on my face. I'll just walk up to someone I know vaguely and start chatting, and no one knows I'm a jelly inside! But I still have no close friends, only acquaintances, and I've come to accept that no one likes me as much as I do!
    2073 days ago
  • 1935MARY
    Cheer-up I don't have any real life friends either.But I have many here and they are very helpful,not hurtful. I think when you love yourself again, things will change. Be proud of the little things, take baby steps and let this spark program work for you. You can find many of good friends here and the support you need. Take a deep breath,smile, and count your blessings.
    2073 days ago
    We live in a society that promotes the "Friends" type theory of friendship but in fact I doubt very much even a small fraction of people are living it. It is what we wish for but it isn't reality. Reality is that we are all busy ... really busy and trying to cope with a 24 hour a day / 7 days a week life that our cell phones and computers provide for us. I wish you a great adventure on your way to where you want to be ...

    2075 days ago
    You need to realize your own self worth. You aren't alone in having those thoughts and feelings. Far from it in fact! I'm very easy to talk to, and I make friends without trying - but most of the time I shut myself off from forming any 'new' meaningful friendships with people. (Or relationships in general.) I constantly compare myself to other girls in my life, specifically my handful of girlfriends that are over weight as well and yet they seemed to have found happiness. Self acceptance is quite the struggle, but it's not impossible. I'm new to Spark - this is my second or third stint. I actively follow the site, but I've never bothered with the blogs. At any rate, I'd like to extend an offer of support and encouragement. You can do this. Don't think it, believe it! Good luck my dear! :
    2075 days ago
    I wish you good luck on the way forward.
    2075 days ago
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