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Sunday, October 14, 2012

I know you're not supposed to have regrets, but lately I've been having a lot of them... and they've been making me eat because I'm so down on myself. Let me paint a picture for you. When I was 22, I was living in Manhattan, working as an entry level investment banker, and living with my husband, who was a trader. We worked a ton, and I complained about my hours, but I had my whole life in front of me and felt pretty proud of what I had accomplished. Then, after two years of 100+ hour weeks, I quit and went to grad school to become a teacher. I reacted too strongly to banking and did a 180. My first regret. Then, I worked at a top tier school in Manhattan and enjoyed it. I was around lots of smart, interesting women, and the kids were smart and well-behaved. Then, I got engaged and had a beautiful wedding. I was skinny, my husband was handsome, and I felt proud of my accomplishments. A month after the wedding, we moved to North Carolina where my husband went to business school. It was a very hard adjustment for me - I gained weight and felt very disconnected from the world in which I grew up. I never realized what a bubble the New York metropolitan area was until I left. Then, after he graduated, he got a job in NE Florida - a very southern, conservative part of the state. Here I am a teacher but with none of the shiny prestige. I am now 29 - no longer thin, no longer with a job that other people admire. And I feel like it's too late for me to reinvent myself because I don't know how without the connections I would need to help me. At least at home, I knew people in different industries who would at least talk to me about a career change.

Anyway, I look back on the last 7 years and it's hard not to see them as a downward spiral. I feel like I had such a promising life ahead of me and now it's just mediocre. I try to be grateful for what I have - a wonderful husband, a charming house and garden, and a cute puppy - but selfishly, I mourn for what I lost. I feel like I had so much and threw it all away. Perhaps it's not rational, and perhaps I place too much importance on what others think, but I just have to be honest. In NY, whether I was a banker or a grad student or a teacher, I felt appreciated and admired, to a certain degree. This gave me confidence and I felt disciplined and in control of food. Feeling good about myself made me feel like I was worthy of being skinny and well-dressed.

Now, I don't have that same self-confidence, so it's harder trying to convince myself that I am special and deserve to be beautiful. These are the things that occupy a lot of my thoughts...but I am nervous to share them because I know they don't portray me in the most positive light. Thanks for listening!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Change is difficult for all of us but it happens in life. I can look back and see several different stages in mine and each time I was discouraged and down about the future, something even better and more interesting happened eventually. Try to keep yourself open to the possibilities. Good luck.
    2074 days ago
    Your life is not set in stone. Who knows what is around the corner. You made the best decisions you could based on the situations you were in and how they made you feel.
    2077 days ago
    It is ridiculous to think that you can live a life and not have regrets. The issue is not letting them govern you.
    2078 days ago
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