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Flipping the Coin

Friday, October 12, 2012

I have run into frustration. Frustration. Anger. Resentment. Irritation. Pure rage.

I have hit that proverbial brick wall. The one that was coming. The one I was hoping to avoid. The one that puts me into a mild and other times deep depression.

Injury. Pain.

My knee. It has always been my Achilles's heel when it comes to my physical limitations. I have known it for half my life now. Ever since I walked away from the car accident that could have easily ended my life.

Flip the coin. Realize how lucky I am to sit here, typing this, baby sleeping in the other room. I've been able to live a full, wonderful life so far one that I love and cherish each and every day. I walked away from a car accident that would have killed so many. I get that. I know how lucky I am.

How hard is it to accept my limitations when I feel like at times I am defined by my fitness regime. Very. It trips me up. What do I do when I want to push play and say eff it, who cares? It is so freaking hard. I have to try so hard NOT to exercise when so many have to find excuses TO exercise. I hear the excuses as to why people DON'T want to workout, eat right, work toward a healthier self. Here I sit, constantly in that flux of working on bettering myself on all of those levels with fitness, nutrition, the whole ball of wax with weight loss/diet/healthier lifestyle -- take your pick.

Yeah I am a tad bit resentful. I will admit it.

It is hard to accept the fact that my mind wants to do more than my body is physically capable of right now. My knee and all of its arthritic glory has been hell this fall.

Why do I push myself so damn hard? Why can't I just chillax, take it for what it is -- a simple sign to slow it down? Why do I sit here and whine and complain and piss and moan about all the things I *can't* do instead of focusing on all the things I *can* do.

Here I stand at that stupid metaphorical fork in the road that everyone talks about....

Right now I can't
do Turbo Fire
Turbo Jam
95% of the DVD's in my arsenal

But I can
eat good
focus on my water intake
track every morsel in my Fitbook to ensure that I am getting in what I need
take supplements that I am regimenting for myself to help me with my knee
look in the mirror and feel grateful that I CAN do yoga/walk/relax/eat good/focus
allow my body to do what it needs to do to feel better so I can push it harder on the days that I DO feel good

Wow, that puts a bit of perspective on things. Looking at that, I see that there really is more that I can do than I can't. I think I can even expand on that list if I choose to. I don't think I will. I get hung up on the stupid things. Things that in my mind don't count. Yoga -- I love it. It works my body in ways that absolutely nothing else does. Cardio/ST/Flexibility tied up in one pretty, neat little bow. The whole sha-bang. No, I can't do the self proclaimed soul-mate workut that I want to push play for right now, but I am only limiting myself in my own mind if I am considering that my only form of physical self improvement as far as exercise goes. Who said there was something wrong with counting walking while pulling my little guy in his wagon as exercise? Who says that just because I am not in my workout clothes, in my workout room it can't count as exercise.

I think that the process of learning more about myself is the most enlightening facet of this journey. I am learning with each passing day that I can conquer those defeating moments in my own head that tell me that I suck because I can't do what I want my body to do. I am learning that the art of appreciating what my body is capable of on any given day is something to be celebrated. Enjoyed. Honored. Rejoiced.

No right now I am not able to do certain things, but the fact that I can turn my focus on other areas and feel lucky, happy, hopeful, and successful means more to me than any workout ever could.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Been there- INJURED, miserable, jealous, enraged, upset.. and some days are reminders of my injuries flaring up an I have to really, really be careful! Like STOP and forget about that PR, running faster, pushing myself harder and figuring out what's an excuse vs what's a good reason--- I LOVE TO EXERCISE- it's my PASSION- and there is this part of that won't stop, but I also have had to learn the hard way to have to STOP- lots of tears and complaining-LOL. Forget the part about being in constant pain- UGH. I feel for you and I love your honesty and also the realization that there is a flip side, that you can be grateful- that life is still good and that in the big scheme of things, this does not define you.
    I hope you find a way to improve the knee- maybe go see a specialist? Try accupunture? Look at your options- and the POOL. I'm telling you- it's been a life saver for me--- when I was down. Pool running is HARD if you do it right- there are plans out there for injured people- to do pool running intervals in the pool- deep water aerobics can be tough too if you put effort into it- jumping jacks, wind ssprings, marching- scissor kicks, frog jumps, plus amazing ab workouts- I would HIGHLY recommend the pool.

    GOod luck!
    2009 days ago
  • SINGER73
    Focus on what you can do and not what you can't
    2013 days ago
  • LIBRA73
    I hit this often with all my foot problems.

    Then I realized something important. I cannot jump without getting injured. Sooner or later it will happen. So I quit that part of my cardio, started walking more, jogging more, and taking to the walking trails around here. No, it isn't the Turbo Fire that I loved, but its way more imperative that I can walk and take care of my fam. I also learned that slowing down in every way is much more life improving than focusing on weight loss. I still want it, but it is not my main focus. It was a big change, and it is a daily challenge. Now I still Turbo when I can, but I baby my problem areas. I used to hate not going all out in my Turbo, but I have appreciated being able to finish a work out with an injury. It's a super hard lesson to stick with.

    You are awesomely strong and smart. I know you will find a way to rock a work out and keep focus on your goals with everything else going on! You are a poster child of success for me. I think you are a success story. You handle so much all the while not losing who you are! That is awesome!
    2013 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    My most successful stint at weight loss came when I was walking my little guy every day in his stroller. Not only was I burning calories and getting exercise every day, but I was loving it. Ever since then exercise has been a chore because I just don't enjoy anything else as much as I did that time spent with him.

    If your current dvd collection isn't an option right now, can you find some other videos that put less pressure on your knees? I know Wal-Mart often has a rack of inexpensive workout videos or your library might have some that you could check out.

    2014 days ago
    Sending you some hugs across the miles and I'm glad that you're now focusing on what you CAN do instead of what limitations that your doctor has advised you not to do. Just think of it for a moment, the car accident that you were in could have turned out very differently and you've accomplished SO much since then.

    You've very inspiring Amber and very, very strong.

    2014 days ago
    Life isn't fair. I should not have grown up fat and felt limited by a straight jacket of fat. You should not have injured your knee and you should not now have to limit your exercise.

    However, I need to let it go. Truly my only limits are in my head at this point. Even if it took me 6 decades to learn how to eat.

    You, on the other hand, have some real limitations to live around. No wonder you feel cheated. I'm sorry that you can't do all your DVDs and intense programs you long to do. It's good that you know you are blessed and are glad you are alive, but it is no wonder that sometimes you feel frustrated.

    Hang in there. Hey, do you like swimming? When my back is acting up, it's great! Hope you find just the challenge that you love and can do.
    2014 days ago
  • GUNNSGIRL91303
    Your attitude is phenomenal and inspiring. I need to remember to focus on the positive and the "I can do's" when things look dire. I hope your knee feels like cooperating with you soon Amber. Thanks for another great blog to help give new perspective and a breath of fresh air!
    2014 days ago
    First off considered yourself bear hugged emoticon . Great blog and I'm sure it wasn't easy to write, but it was an eye opener into your battle within. Can you do KenpoX with just upper body, modified lower body or no lower body at all or some type of boxing DVD available? (heck even TF just upper body while walking in place?) Just shooting ideas out there for you :)

    Walking is great and your kiddo gets the benefit with it too. Maybe it's just the universes way of making you focus on your diet, nutrition, and water. I so proud of you for how focused you are, you are an inspiration to all of us.
    2014 days ago
    2014 days ago
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