I am only thinking out loud so don't say I should be glad to have a job. I AM. This is my journal, therefore my thoughts.
Been feeling down this week.
I did get rid of that kid that was supposed to be helping me. And one of the bosses said I didn't do a good job managing him. I was not the kids boss and he had other duties given to him by his boss and I can't manage someone who has someone else telling them what to do. Don't put the blame on me man. But I am worried about my job. Not because of this, but because it has slowed down so much in the past month, I have a lot of time slots open. And I have a really bad attitude when talking to my clients. I am just not having fun with my job anymore right now. I did tell them the next person they get to help me will only coach. I will not have them do spread sheets and the like. They will ONLY help me with the actual coaching. That way they will have appointments and an agenda each day they work. Thereby giving me more control of their time....
I registered with Career Builder and Workforce Services here in town and found a company here in town that does sort of what I do now, but maybe it would be better there. But I have to be fired to go there because I had to sign a no compete clause that is null and void if they fire me.
Ever since my boss got his new silent partner and that guy is now in charge of me, I am just not happy.
But even though I have not had a raise in 1.5 yrs I would not make what I make now anywhere else.
I have been doing a lot of binging and purging this week. And I am sure it has a lot to do with my job situation.
It seems I go through this mood every year this time. But I think I have a foundation for these feelings this time, right now.
I am alone this year for the first time in 25 years. I will not be able to see my son at all for the holidays and have no one to spend them with.
I am in a "What's the point of anything" and my thoughts go dark.
My goals for the weekend are simple. Try to get through the next 3 days without binging and purging. For me it is about control and self hate, not getting skinny. I know it is bad.
Some people think if only you could see the world through my eyes. I would not wish that on anyone.
Said I wouldn't bring the cloud so I will be back later.