That time of year again...

Friday, October 12, 2012

I am only thinking out loud so don't say I should be glad to have a job. I AM. This is my journal, therefore my thoughts.

Been feeling down this week.

I did get rid of that kid that was supposed to be helping me. And one of the bosses said I didn't do a good job managing him. I was not the kids boss and he had other duties given to him by his boss and I can't manage someone who has someone else telling them what to do. Don't put the blame on me man. But I am worried about my job. Not because of this, but because it has slowed down so much in the past month, I have a lot of time slots open. And I have a really bad attitude when talking to my clients. I am just not having fun with my job anymore right now. I did tell them the next person they get to help me will only coach. I will not have them do spread sheets and the like. They will ONLY help me with the actual coaching. That way they will have appointments and an agenda each day they work. Thereby giving me more control of their time....

I registered with Career Builder and Workforce Services here in town and found a company here in town that does sort of what I do now, but maybe it would be better there. But I have to be fired to go there because I had to sign a no compete clause that is null and void if they fire me.

Ever since my boss got his new silent partner and that guy is now in charge of me, I am just not happy.
But even though I have not had a raise in 1.5 yrs I would not make what I make now anywhere else.
I have been doing a lot of binging and purging this week. And I am sure it has a lot to do with my job situation.

It seems I go through this mood every year this time. But I think I have a foundation for these feelings this time, right now.

I am alone this year for the first time in 25 years. I will not be able to see my son at all for the holidays and have no one to spend them with.

I am in a "What's the point of anything" and my thoughts go dark.

My goals for the weekend are simple. Try to get through the next 3 days without binging and purging. For me it is about control and self hate, not getting skinny. I know it is bad.

Some people think if only you could see the world through my eyes. I would not wish that on anyone.

Said I wouldn't bring the cloud so I will be back later.
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  • JIBBIE49
    My husband was in the military 23 yrs. so I spent many years of no family for the holidays. Now there is "Skye" on the internet so much easier to talk to people.
    3112 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12377922
    I am so grateful you are discussing this out loud. You have every right to be sad about all that is happening. Being grateful is more than just pretending that you are happy. You can be unhappy. We all are some times. I hope you can knock the cloud out and down. I too have struggled with feeling the cloud was going to sap the life out of me. I find that for me a routine of sleep, more vegetables than sweets, enough good fat, and supplements help me a lot. Any of those get thrown off and I can be in the bed. I pray you find peace, comfort, and biggest of all-HOPE. Hope can sustain us no matter what the circumstance. emoticon
    3112 days ago
    *hugs* Good plan for the weekend...perhaps actively seek something that brings you true joy for some me time this weekend?? You're right, it's not about skinny, it's about loving ourselves better first and foremost!
    3112 days ago
    Michelle - BIG hugs. Hang in there. I know it's hard and facing the holidays can be very stressful and lonely. We will be here on the team thread ALL the way through the holidays sharing so know you won't be alone VIRTUALLY. You know me and my zany ideas. I'll be cooking up ELF recipes and GOYBAD to barking jingle bell dogs and who knows what. We will be here and someone is usually close at hand on the chat thread.

    I love the ideas the girls are sharing with you.

    Praying for you!

    3113 days ago
    That is painful to know you will not be with your son for the holidays. Is there any way you could visit him for a few days between the Thanksgiving and Christmas season? I know it is a bit of a drive, but you could do a long weekend or something. Then you would be able to spend some holiday time with him.

    Two Christmases ago, I was alone on Christmas day. It was very painful and I hated it more than I thought I would. I was so miserable and sad. I do understand some of what you feel. I did see my children during the Christmas holiday, but not on Christmas day. We had to find another day to have our celebration.

    I know there are places in St George that need help on the holidays. Could you volunteer at a shelter, food kitchen, or even an animal shelter? You may find others who are alone and spend time with them. Giving is a great way to get out of a funk.

    I'm not trying to trivialize your struggles. I am hating my job right now. I love the work but hate the pressure from others. The politics are terrible.

    I hope you find some positive ways to deal with your pain and misery. It is hard because the behaviors you use can be addictive. How about a show in Mesquite? It isn't that far and if you don't drink, you could drive there and back. Or you could get a room for the night.
    3113 days ago
  • SUZIEW27
    emoticon I'll be praying for you!!!

    I usually spend the holidays alone too!! It's hard (especially when I know my family is all hanging out together at someone's house). What I have learned over the years is to plan something that will be fun for me. I will get a bunch of DVDs to watch or go to the movies or pull out a couple of good books and just lose myself in those things!!

    I've actually gotten to the point where I turn down invites to places because I really like that down time!

    3113 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12109531
    Keep your job search up and stay positive! There were many holidays I had to spend away from my family and I found it helpful and rewarding to volunteer to help those less fortunate. It kept me busy and I met new friends, while at the same time I felt good about making a difference in someone's life.

    Keep a cheery attitude, stay positive, and things will turn out for the best.

    Have a great day, and I hope you reach your SP goals.
    3113 days ago
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