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I saw my ex today and took a leap of faith

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

At first, I didn't want to talk about this at all. I wanted to forget it. Then I thought maybe that's not such a good idea to just try to stuff it away.

So, yup, I saw my ex today just like I KNEW I would. He was with cheater girl just like I KNEW he would be and it felt just as awful as I KNEW it would. Thankfully it was just in passing and they didn't see me. I had just gotten off work and fortunately was on my way to the gym. The first thing I felt was sick to my stomach. The second was despair. Then I made myself sit in the parking lot for a minute and just really let the emotions wash over me. But I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I didn't even move. Remember that CALM is my motto these days. I just tried to really identify what I was feeling even though it was gut wrenching.

I realized it was sadness and confusion. I miss our life sometimes. They have our life now. I don't even want to think about what that means or why that it is. At the urging of a good friend, I'm no longer going to dwell on things that only hurt me and have no purpose. It doesn't matter why and more importantly I have a new life. A life where I'm doing things that are good for me. A life I chose when I ended our relationship. He was not capable of being the partner I need to build the life I want. For a minute I considered not going to the gym and instead coming home, laying in bed and crying. But I didn't do it.

The time for that has passed.

This moment would have been a giving up point for me in the past. But I refused to back down and I had an awesome, amazing work-out. I thought about all of you my sparkies who push forward through so much hardship and how you guys and my family and friends are all on my side. That made me strong. It didn't take away the hurt but it made it O.K.

I knew that although in the moment I didn't feel happy and my life isn't exactly what I want, it's going to be. I can't imagine it sometimes. I can't even see what that life would look like but I believe it's possible. It's a leap of faith. I have to just believe that if I continue doing what I've been doing, even when it gets hard or feels like I'm making no progress, eventually that life will unfold.

It's like planting a garden. On a daily basis, you can't see much change, especially at first. Then you see some sprouts and you keep watering. Then one day you go outside and you have this beautiful, lush, vibrant garden. So from now on, I will look at my life as a garden. Some of it is still under the soil but I know, without a doubt, it's going to bloom as long as I keep watering it.

I'm finally at peace with where I am at. I'm O.K. that I'm sad. I no longer feel embarrassed or angry or ashamed that my ex cheated and didn't mourn our relationship or really even think twice about giving it all up. That was not his path and I no longer am concerned with what is. He's irrelevant to my present and my future. He's a weed in my garden.
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  • no profile photo ELFGIRL12
    Stay strong. I have been through it myself and still have moments where I struggle. I t is true, it is no longer your path you have an entirely new journey to live and love within Keep peace and strength within your heart..
    2336 days ago
    I love what you said at the end b/c I had a break up earlier this year and I am just now finally over it. It took FOREVER. I thought the pain would never end. But he is just a weed!
    2340 days ago
    You are making good strides toward healing-it will take a little while. That is terrible that you had that happen, but good to see you are moving on and taking care of yourself. So happy you went on to the gym after seeing him! It helps so much with stress! You get those endorphins going and it makes everything feel better! Hang in there Laney! One day at a time! Focus everyday on positive happy thoughts as much as you can!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2380 days ago
    Wow , this really hit home for me thanks Steelkickin- led me right to it , I am going threw the same thing right now with my husband of 10 Years the pain is sometimes unbearable or it seems but at least I know threw this blog , the garden will grow and so will I :) thanks so much for sharing !
    2380 days ago
    Oh wow, what an awesome and inspiring blog! I am sorry to hear about all the pain that was brought up when you saw your ex, but you handled the situation with such admirable grace. Good for you for deciding to go to the gym anyway! You are so strong! And your garden analogy is just lovely. You ARE going to get through this!

    2387 days ago
    Can I be you when I grow up?!
    Seriously, such a mature and thoughtful response to such a stressful experience! Kudos!

    emoticon Love the garden metaphor, too! emoticon
    2388 days ago
    What a terrific analogy - you ARE a beautiful garden! Everything may not have bloomed yet, but you HAVE figured out you don't have a place for the weeds!
    2388 days ago
    Great blog. Who grows a "weed garden" It is a process that hurts until it heals and does not hurt anymore. Great use of your time by working out,instead of thinking about it too long and dwelling on it. emoticon emoticon snip,snip.
    2388 days ago
    You got the right idea girl! You are a garden, a beautiful garden that is blooming. He is an ugly disgusting weed that is ruining your garden. You get out your tools and pluck that weed. Eventually it will be gone and not return! Hang in there every time you work through how you feel about him and her you are wacking away at that ugly weed! You are strong and will make it and will find someone who deserves and loves you no matter what!! emoticon
    2388 days ago
    emoticon Great blog and proud that you did your workout! That's the way to do it!!

    2388 days ago
    Awesome blog!!
    2388 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    For every ending there is a new beginning!
    2388 days ago
    Great blog.

    Sometimes we want to fight what we feel instead of looking into what we are actually feeling and dealing with those emotions.

    Good for you. You are getting healthy. Not only in the gym, but inside as well.

    Keep on nourishing that garden..... it's blooming.
    2388 days ago
    I love your attitude! Remember he is your EX for a reason...and no one wants or needs a 'weed in her garden!'

    2388 days ago
    Give yourself some time.
    I've seen that, I've been there, so believe me - it works. And you will heal COMPLETELY.
    2388 days ago
  • no profile photo LIFETIMER54
    Just keep going forward and don't look back on the past that can't be changed. YOU GO GIRL!!!! emoticon
    2388 days ago
    Be happy knowing that you are a better person than he is. emoticon
    2388 days ago
  • EOWYN2424
    Be strong! Hang in there! You can do this!
    2388 days ago
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