I saw my ex today and took a leap of faith
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
At first, I didn't want to talk about this at all. I wanted to forget it. Then I thought maybe that's not such a good idea to just try to stuff it away.
So, yup, I saw my ex today just like I KNEW I would. He was with cheater girl just like I KNEW he would be and it felt just as awful as I KNEW it would. Thankfully it was just in passing and they didn't see me. I had just gotten off work and fortunately was on my way to the gym. The first thing I felt was sick to my stomach. The second was despair. Then I made myself sit in the parking lot for a minute and just really let the emotions wash over me. But I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I didn't even move. Remember that CALM is my motto these days. I just tried to really identify what I was feeling even though it was gut wrenching.
I realized it was sadness and confusion. I miss our life sometimes. They have our life now. I don't even want to think about what that means or why that it is. At the urging of a good friend, I'm no longer going to dwell on things that only hurt me and have no purpose. It doesn't matter why and more importantly I have a new life. A life where I'm doing things that are good for me. A life I chose when I ended our relationship. He was not capable of being the partner I need to build the life I want. For a minute I considered not going to the gym and instead coming home, laying in bed and crying. But I didn't do it.
The time for that has passed.
This moment would have been a giving up point for me in the past. But I refused to back down and I had an awesome, amazing work-out. I thought about all of you my sparkies who push forward through so much hardship and how you guys and my family and friends are all on my side. That made me strong. It didn't take away the hurt but it made it O.K.
I knew that although in the moment I didn't feel happy and my life isn't exactly what I want, it's going to be. I can't imagine it sometimes. I can't even see what that life would look like but I believe it's possible. It's a leap of faith. I have to just believe that if I continue doing what I've been doing, even when it gets hard or feels like I'm making no progress, eventually that life will unfold.
It's like planting a garden. On a daily basis, you can't see much change, especially at first. Then you see some sprouts and you keep watering. Then one day you go outside and you have this beautiful, lush, vibrant garden. So from now on, I will look at my life as a garden. Some of it is still under the soil but I know, without a doubt, it's going to bloom as long as I keep watering it.
I'm finally at peace with where I am at. I'm O.K. that I'm sad. I no longer feel embarrassed or angry or ashamed that my ex cheated and didn't mourn our relationship or really even think twice about giving it all up. That was not his path and I no longer am concerned with what is. He's irrelevant to my present and my future. He's a weed in my garden.