Bumps in the road I wish I could squish like a bug
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Arggh. So I'm trying so hard to stay positive and upbeat and hopeful. I honestly take everything you guys say to heart. After the stressful work week I had last week, I was determined to start fresh. Then yesterday I got a tidbit of information that pushed me to the edge and an exploding toilet that seeped into my carpeted bedroom sent me into full meltdown mode.
After the toilet episode I decided maybe it was time to rent a new place. They never fix anything properly and we've been dealing with backed up toilets for quite some time. I talked to my ex's brother because he and his wife recently moved into a new home and their rent is about what I can afford. Then I remembered that their mother had told me she, her husband and my ex were moving. Yes, he lives with his parents. When we broke-up he naturally had to go back to them because this almost 30-year-old man has never lived on his own.
So I panicked and asked the brother if the parents had moved near him. No, he says they moved to so and so. My heart sank and I just started crying. That idiot now lives within two miles of me. You know what that means? It means I get to see him at the grocery store, the drug store, the gas station, restaurants, barber shop. YOU GET THE PICTURE!!!!!!!
Oh but not only do I get to see him. I get to see him with the new girlfriend. The very same woman with whom he slept with for a month and probably more of our relationship before I found out and ended our relationship. How will I ever survive this? Even writing this now I feel like crying, throwing up, screaming, throwing something. I'm not ready for this. I've avoided them by not going places they might be. But now these two terrible people will be within blocks of my sanctuary. My peace. My home, the place I go for safety.
But then I woke up this morning and I was determined.
My day started off with a visit to a food pantry. I'm writing a story on their 20-year anniversary. It just reminded me that things could be so much more desperate. Then I got angry and determined to take back my life.
I decided I'm just going to face him and her. I don't care. I can no longer live in fear and humiliation. HE should be the one that is scared to see me and the one that feels uncomfortable. He's the one that should feel shame. Not me. I honored my promises. He betrayed not only me, but my son and he let down my family, his family and our friends. So I'm not going to be afraid to see him. I'm not going to worry about it. And for the first time in months, I actually feel some pity for him. Not in a mean, nasty way. But in a genuine way. I hope this is the beginning of forgiveness because that's where I want to be.