First, I want to say, I'm sorry that all my blogs are not always positive. This one won't be a total downer but it's certainly not a celebration. I use writing to help me work through my anxieties as well as document my negative emotions so I can start to see my patterns and maybe find solutions.
Recently I blogged about realizing that stress was my trigger to eat. When I'm stressed, I eat mindlessly. Well this last week was the most stress I've had in some time. Mostly it was because I had to get up earlier than usual three out of five work days and my body was not happy. I'm one of those people that needs at least 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night.
Despite all of this, I kept my eating in check, I still exercised, although not at my usual speed, and I managed to remain relatively social instead of retreating into the angry, depressive state I find myself in a lot lately. Yesterday I had a nice hike and today I had a good nap. Even though I still feel a little sleepy, I finally feel rested both physically and mentally. It's given me time to reflect.
And here's what I've realized: When you are not spending all your time eating or drinking you feel EVERY SINGLE negative emotion and it sucks! Every insecurity, anxiety, defeat and every other thing you don't like feeling, becomes front and center when you can't use things to distract you from them. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel better. It seems like the bad feelings just linger for days and they make me irritable and mean. I don't want to be an asshole! And I'm sick of feeling angry all the time.
I'm not used to this. Is this normal? Does every body just feel suffocated by negative, bitter emotions and insecurity all the time? Is this because of my recent break-up? Will this pass? Is this what happens as you get older? Is this part of losing weight and changing your life? Most importantly, how do I fix it? I hate being mad one minute, sad the next and then scared and then furious.
I'm not by nature a negative person. I mean I'm not some idiot walking around thinking nothing bad ever happens and life is a Disney movie. But I do always try to see the good or silver lining in any situation and when it comes to human beings, I'm typically tolerant and forgiving. Oh but not lately. I have zero tolerance and I'm impatient. Sometimes I don't even care about being social.
Will I ever be my happy, upbeat, fun, caring self again?