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You know its wrong, but...

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I have been holding off on posting you on this. I feel guilty and ashamed. But there are so many wonderful SparkFriends that I know are curious about how this work thing is going for me.

The bad news is: poorly.

Not the work part. That's great! The kids are nice & cooperative. My colleague is cool and any bumps in the road have been ordinary, expected and overcome easily. It has been a good experience for my bruised ego.

But the food and exercise part has been a travesty. I'm a mess. My calories were cut to 1200 by the Spark 'puter. I am trying to eat healthy, but I'm so damned hungry all the freakin' time. I upped my veggies, clamped down on fats, looked for healthy choices, packed healthy snacks and its still not enough food. The numbers say I have enough protein which was the first hunger trigger I noticed when I first started Sparking. (If I got enough protein, I was able to keep myself in line the rest of the calorie way.) Just because you know what you are doing wrong, doesnt mean its any easier to fix it.

Exercise plans have gone out the window. I have exercised after work exactly ONCE, despite good intentions, bringing clothes and planning. I "one more thing" myself out of my exercise time. "Oh, let me just grade this one last orphan paper." "Let me organize my desk so that I can find that tomorrow." "Let me get ahead on my photocopying while I can." "Where the heck is that computer file saved?" The next thing you know its 3pm, my drop-dead-go-get-the-Child time. Plus my legs are so tired from standing, my back aches and I have a headache. The one time I did manage to run (Parent Night, when I was there from 7am to 8:30 pm) it was so hard I managed the 10 minutes and then quit. I think it might have been a low blood sugar thing. This was after I spent 2 hours grading tests. "Finish this, and then you can run. Promise, we'll burn off this cortisol!" I did decompress a little on the run, but it wasnt enough to get the exercise benefits.

Oh and my plan to do something in the middle of the day. Toast. I have students almost all the time making up work. Sigh.

Last time I weighted myself, I was up a pound. I didnt weigh in yesterday or today...I'm afraid for this week and will put off the bad news. My depression, anxiety and insomnia are back with a vengeance now that they dont have my endorphin warriors keeping them in line.

So yeah, there we have it. Not the most optimistic blog. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong, but its still happening.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Just a resource for you. Check out "The Smarter Science of Slim". There is a book by Jonathan Bailor...BUT also a free podcast on iTunes. I've not bought the book but plan to. Anyway, the prove through science based research from multiple sources that "a calorie is not a calorie"'; the quality of the food you eat is the most important thing. It is a very logical approach to dieting and explains why low calorie diets don't really work. The podcasts are entertaining and I usually listen to them while I'm in the car.
    Begin with #1 - it explains "SANE" food. There is also a website by the same name.
    1200 calories sure isn't much when you are working and a Mom.
    Hang in there!
    p.s. I am trying to "eat SANE" but this is a big birthday month in our family, so I'm fighting with the starchy carbs!!

    2025 days ago
    These things happen. Congratulations for blogging about it (I know it's hard to admit).

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Now, you need to find some "me" time, since I would bargain that this has gone out the window too. I find that if I make time for me, then the rest follows (exercise, good eating). Your number one priority has to be YOU!
    2033 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Yeah, what they said!
    2034 days ago
    I'm struggling with finding balance in exercise again. I've been getting out more than you have, but the 4 or 5 times a week, at least 30 minutes usually more workouts are becoming a distant memory in the last two weeks.

    The summer is over.

    I have settled in to the new position.

    I still have to get the other work done.

    It's HARD to work out. I am working toward at least getting the mindset of "you brush your teeth every day, you can get out and at least walk every day." When I was out on medical leave, I made myself get outside for 30 minutes every day. This was in January in New England.

    So yeah... I've had the negative dialogue going on, too.

    I've also been thinking of Chris Downie and the just change one thing and the just 10 minutes of exercise thing.

    Tomorrow is October 1. Want to join me in Getting Outside for at least 15 minutes every day this month even if it's only for a walk?

    2034 days ago
    I agree with everyone else here - STOP beating yourself up! I do not work out after work; I am too dog tired! So, if I plan on getting any exercise in, it has to be in the morning. I get up at 4a.m. because it is the only way I can get it done before getting ready for work - I drive almost an hour each way, so have to finish exercising by 6a.m. at the latest. But, I don't have any children at home, either, so give it some time and you should find what works for you. Try different things to see what will fit into your lifestyle.
    2034 days ago
    You are a very strong person. You have given me support when I felt like giving up. Just logging in to see that you like my status means so much to me. I will now give yoU the support.

    STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. GET YOUR BUNS UP PUT YOUR BIG GIRL RUNNING SHOES ON AND GET OUT THE THAT IS A SPAKS FRIEND ORDER........................... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2034 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/30/2012 3:24:06 PM
    Forgive yourself and move forward. The past is the past and cannot be changed. But now you've learned a bunch of things that aren't working for you; it's a starting point to find out what will work. You're in an entirely new situation with new challenges and new obstacles. It will take some time to navigate. And a pound? Pish. A pound is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

    I know you will find a way to make this work. Because you're that kind of gal. One good choice at a time.
    2034 days ago
    Ok, stop using yourself as a whipping post. You are beating yourself up over things that are done and over. Take a few deep breathes and try to relax. You really can get back on track. I know you can. Just get you head back together, one small step at a time.

    2034 days ago
  • ZIGGY122
    OMG! girl stop beating yourself up... would you insult your best friend this way... of course not... be kind...do an act of kindness by starting with yourself emoticon emoticon
    2034 days ago
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