What do I look like

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

For people battling eating disorders, it's often stated that these individuals look in the mirror and see nothing but fat. Their frame can be frail and skeletal, but the disease relays a different message. The disease sees a fat person. I've often heard people say, "How can they possibly think they're fat?! Look at them!!" They can't understand how an individual could look at that body and see fat. But it's not so much the interpretation of the image, as it is the image itself. The eye is actually seeing a different image than that of a person who is not inflicted with the disease.
Although I'm not anorexic, I understand this phenomena. You see, I don't really know what I look like. In the same day, I see at least 4 different versions of me, often more. Usually I walk out the door thinking I look presentable...sometimes out and out hot. I feel confident, empowered and proud of who I am and how I look. An hour or two later I catch a glipse in a mirror, and it's then that I realise that I have morphed into a tired, drawn, fat woman.
I've looked towards pictures to answer the question, "What do I REALLY look like." but those only support the idea that I actually DO have superhuman capabilities. In fact, I can look at a stack of photos and actually see the morph in it's many different stages.
So, I'm left to rely on others to answer the question for me. What do I REALLY look like? Well, we can throw my husband's answer out the window right away. He's not willing to live with the repercussions of an ill-timed answer, regardless of how truthful it may be. There is my very close friend, my mother....but from the size of the underwear she buys me (think bedsheets) it's quite apparent she's inflicted with the same disease (hmmm, must be genetic). So I'm left wondering, will I ever really know what I look like.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    When I added you as a friend because of your great sense of humor I didn't realize you look in the mirror the same way I do. I am a recovering bulimic, must have beat it since I'm now overweight :) I still am so unsure of my true self but I do think photos help. I can see more of me in a photo than I can see in a mirror, especially my face. I just had a photo taken w/ my fellow teachers and was so pleased to see my face looking thinner and more attractive! Try a digital in your undies to get a true glimpse!
    4057 days ago
    You know, I was thinking the same thing today. It is good to know I am not alone. Some days I am proud of myself for the weight I have lost already, and in the same day I can look in the mirror and not see that the first 50 is already gone. Thanks for posting this, you said it all better than I could have and at least I know I am not the only one! We will make it to our goals, let's just work on getting our minds there too!!!
    4089 days ago
    Having been on both ends of this argument (bulimic, and now overweight again) I know exactly how you feel. Just keep positive! Remember that the hot girl you see in the mirror is the person you really are, inside and out. The tired woman you see in the mirror is a trick from a tired mind, and your mother should never buy you underpants! :)
    4089 days ago
    You decribed so well what I often feel. Thanks,
    4089 days ago
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